538. Chapter 538

After The Human Factor

Episode 5.23

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Your computer will soon tell you that I do not own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above

Mechanical Heat

By

Richard Castle

Captain Nikki Heat flattened herself behind the abandoned cab as she watched a police drone go by on its treads. She peered under the cab and tried to follow the drone with her Glock.

Suddenly the drone turned to face away from her. "Sir or madam as the case may be." A loud, deep authoritative, but definitely artificial voice said. "You are in violation of New York City Statute 3.1416, Impersonating a Banana. I will have to take you into custody using minimal force." The drone fired its flamethrower, badly damaging an innocent fire hydrant. The drone resumed its way down the street.

Nikki waited until it had turned the corner before she let out a breath.

"I've always loved those panties on you, you know. Not as much as I love them off of you, of course."

Nikki turned to glare at her fiancé, Jameson Rook. He was lying right behind her and could easily look up her skirt. "I'm going to have a serious talk with One PP about their stupid idea that female captains should wear skirts." She said softly but with a bite in her voice.

"And I may write an article about how the sight of a police captain in a skirt makes the police seem so much more approachable and friendly to the average citizen. Do you think the New Yorker would be interested?"

"Only if you live long enough to write something." Nikki stuck her head up and checked the street. It was totally empty. "Your loft is right across the street. Follow me once I go and don't stop for anything."

"I'll stop for you." He shot back.

"Rook, don't…Oh, hell. Just follow me." The two sprang to their feet and sprinted across the street and into the lobby of Rook's building. They were suddenly face to face with another police robot.

"Hello, children. I'm Officer Friendly and I'm here to teach you about the New York Police Department. The New York Police Department is the Police Department for New York!" Officer Friendly smiled and then laughed maniacally. "Today we'll be talking about police brutality. Have any of you children ever beaten a perp to a bloody pulp? You have? Excellent. Now, I'll give you some pointers!" Officer Friendly drew out his steel baton and advanced on Rook.

"Nikki, this might be a good time to do something."

Officer friendly began to giggle. "You should only strike the extremities, such as the head and the penis, but you know that, don't you?"

Nikki raised her Glock and fired three rounds into the eye of the robot. Officer Friendly came to a halt.

"That….was…brut…."Officer Friendly said before collapsing.

"Upstairs, quickly." She said, running up the stairs rather than taking the elevator.

Once inside Rook's loft, he slammed the door closed. "That's a solid steel door set into a concrete wall. No one is going to shoot through that door."

"Where are your weapons?" Nikki barked.

He led her to his bedroom and opened his closet and rooted around in the back. "Here we go." He handed Nikki as assault rifle. "A Russian AK74M with an under-mounted OP 25 forty millimeter grenade launcher. And ammo." He added, handing her a green canvas bag. "I'm glad I kept some souvenirs of Chechnya." He resumed searching in his closet. "Aha! My Bushmaster fifty caliber carbine and ammo. I'd like to see any of those tin terrors stand up to us now."

"I'm sure we'll get a chance." Nikki was busy familiarizing herself with her new weapon.

"How did the NYPD end up with all of these defective police robots anyway? There was nothing going on about that when I went on the tour with Bono."

"They were offered to the city for free by the inventor. The idea was that if they worked in New York, he could sell them anywhere."

"If you can make it here you can make it anywhere?" Rook sang.

"That was the idea, Blue Eyes." She tried not to smile at Rook, but failed.

"What genius designed those things anyway?"

"A Doctor Merlputter. Austrian, I think."

"Merlputter! Are you sure?"

"Yes, why? Do you know anything about him?"

"Nikki, he's a master criminal. This isn't incompetence. He's deliberately let those robots loose to wreak havoc and keep the police occupied while he robs the city blind."

Nikki grabbed her phone and dialed the precinct, putting it on speaker.

"Detective Ochoa. What is it, Captain? You okay?"

"I'm at Rook's." Nikki quickly explained about Merlputter. "What can you do?"

"Not much, Boss. Our new, improved police cars won't move and robot snipers have us pinned down. We can't move."

Nikki nodded. "It's up to us."

There was a knock on the door. "Open up! NYPD! There is a heavily armed pigeon loose in the building and everyone must evacuate. If you are not outside in exactly eleven milliseconds, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door open." There was a deep pounding on the door.

"He'll never get through the door." Rook said.

"Don't be too sure. I recognized the voice. That's a Schlemming unit. Their heads are made of solid depleted uranium."

"That's almost as dense as Schlemming's head." Rook cried. "The door won't stand a chance."

"Is there a back way out of here?"

Rook nodded and took Nikki down the back stairs. But, as soon as they reached the street, they were accosted by another police robot. The scantily clad, top heavy robot smiled at Rook. "Hi, Tiger. I'm an undercover police robot disguised as a hooker. Do you think it would be worth the public embarrassment to be…" Nikki ended the conversation with 40mm shaped charge round to the robots head.

"Where would this Merlputter go, do you think?" Nikki asked.

Rook thought for a second. "He's big on diamonds. The diamond district."

"Midtown! West 42nd." Nikki said. "But how do we get there?"

"We can't use your Crown Vic. Merlputter will have programmed his robots to take out any police cars." Rook thought for a moment. "We'll take a cab."

They ran back to the abandoned cab. Rook drove and Nikki got in the back. They roared off to Midtown. After six blocks they came to a police robot holding up traffic, in spite of the fact that the streets were empty. Rook honked at the robot. "Hey, what happens? How come I gotta stop? I have passenger! Lady need to get hair done. You think Abdul made of money? Move you ass. Why there never a cop when you need one?"

Luckily, the police drone had been programmed to deal with rude New York cabbies. "Whasamatter? Where's the fire, bud? Can't you see I'm busy? Just wait a minute. Move along folks, nothing to see here."

Nikki stuck her head out of the cab and spoke in pure New Jersey. "Oh, officer, sweetie. Gimme a break, will ya? I gotta get ready for tonight. Be a dear and let a lady through, okay, honey?"

The robot moved over to talk to Nikki. "Look, Sweetheart…"

Before the robot cop could say another word, Rook hit the gas and sped through the intersection. He could hear the robot yelling at him. "I got your medallion number, moron. The taxi and limo commission is gonna be all over you like a cheap suit."

Once at the edge of the diamond district, they stopped the cab and got out. Police robots were smashing their way into diamond merchants' shops and grabbing all of the merchandise. Rook and Nikki followed along behind them.

They found the robots loading the diamonds into an eighteen wheeler. And there. Operating the robots' controls was the master criminal himself, Merlputter. And standing beside him was Detective Shclemming.

"Schlemming again?" Nikki cursed under her breath,

But Merlputter saw them, drew his gun and pointed it at Schlemming's head. "Drop your weapons or I'll put a bullet in this man's head."

As Nikki was trying to decide what to do, Schlemming saw Nikki and waved to her. "Hi, Captain Heat." That was enough to cause Merlputter to shoot. The bullet bounced off of Schlemming's head and smashed the control in Merlputter's hand. The robots stopped at once.

"Schlemming's head really is that thick." Rook said as Schlemming continued to wave at Nikki.

"Schlemming, why were you helping Merlputter?" Nikki asked,

"This nice man is one of Santa's helpers. He was collecting pretty toys for good boys and girls."

Nikki just shook her head.

Once back at the 20th Precinct, Nikki wrote up her report.

"It seems that Schlemming is the hero of this. I guess I'll have to reward him somehow. Maybe make him a paperweight or a door stopper?" She looked around. "Where is Schlemming anyway?'

"He locked himself in a stall in the women's bathroom again. He also panicked and lost control of his sphincter again. And no, Raley and I can't go in after him. It's against regs for us to go into the ladies room. You'll have to get one of the female detectives to do it."

Nikki looked around and saw that there were no female cops in sight. They knew about Schlemming,

"I guess you'll have to go in and get him." Rook said.

Nikki shook her head. "I have to get home and get this skirt off. From now on, Captain Heat is wearing pants." She smiled at her fiancé. "Coming, Rook?"