651. Chapter 651

After To Love and Die in LA

Episode 3.21

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I am on a righteous path, but I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time:

She grabbed the door handle and hesitated for just a second, then she opened the door. Castle's door was just closing. She stopped, closed the door and leaned against it. She stood there for several minutes. God, I am gutless. I ran from Castle, just like I always do when things start to get serious. It's unfair to Castle. He didn't have to come to come to LA with me. He doesn't have to risk his life. Hell, he doesn't even have to buy me coffee, but he does all those things and more. At first I thought he was trying to get me into bed, but I realize he wants a lot more than that. Does he really want always? I've assumed he'd get tired of me and move on leaving me with a broken heart. But, if I keep pushing him away, that'll guarantee he'll leave eventually. Castle has to have some limit as to how much he'll put up with from me. And then my heart will well and truly be broken and I never will have known what being with Castle, really being with Castle, is like.

And it'll hurt Castle as well if we break up. He's been with me for too long to just be looking for a fling. God, am I really such a heartless bitch that I'll just keep hurting Castle until he goes away to protect my own heart? I hope not. Dammit! I'm not. I know I'm not. But what do I do?

She walked over to her bed and lay down, fully dressed. She tried to remember all of the people who had assumed she and Castle were together, or those, like Lanie, who felt that they should be together. She thought back to her last conversation with Royce before he destroyed everything they had. They had been sitting together in a bar, talking about the old days.

"So tell me about Castle." Royce had asked.

She had shrugged. "There's not much to tell. He's a writer, he shadows me and writes books about a fictional NYPD homicide detective. She's kind of based on me, except for the sex scenes, that's strictly Castle's over active imagination at work. That's it."

Royce had smiled at her. "You know, kid, you were always the smart one, but that doesn't make me the dumb one."

"What do you mean? I never called you dumb."

"The first time I saw you two, you were chasing after a suspect with your weapon drawn and Castle was maybe a foot behind you. And he was standing there at the murder board, making suggestions, good ones, I think, and you were nodding and agreeing with him. That's just a writer shadowing you? Come on, kid, I know better than that."

She blushed slightly. "Okay, it's more than that. He's basically, my partner. Aside from you, he's the best I ever had."

"Kid, I'm still not stupid."

She frowned at him. "I do not think you're stupid, Royce. You have an abnormally big head, but there is a brain in there, someplace."

He laughed again. "I talked to Ryan and Esposito, too, about you two."

Kate blushed slightly. "Please, don't believe those two."

"I was good because I had spent years out on the street, and I worked my ass off at being a good cop. And, I had good instincts, but you were always the smart one. And Castle's a smart one, too. As smart as you are, I think."

She shrugged. "Okay, apples and oranges. You're both great partners, but in different ways. Okay? Happy now?"

Royce had shaken his head. "Not yet. I've seen the way he looks at you, and heard how he talks about you and how his eyes light up when I talk about you. He's crazy about you, kid. And it looks to me like you don't feel the same way about him. Or do you?"

Kate had looked away. "It's complicated, Mike."

He had shaken his head. "Let me give you some advice, kid. It's never that complicated. But, suppose you tell me why you think it's complicated."

"To begin with he's been married and divorced twice. I just don't see him taking marriage seriously."

Royce had chuckled. "One of my old pals on the force was married three times before it finally worked. He said that re-marriage after a divorce was the triumph of hope over experience. I think if Castle has been with you for this long, kid, he's betting on hope."

She had shaken her head. "He's a playboy, Mike. I can't tell you how many times he's been on Page Six or some other gossip site with one supermodel or another."

"Must be a busy playboy if he can do that and still be with you as your partner."

Kate blushed again and looked away for a second. "Okay, it's been a while since he's made Page Six and he hasn't dated that much. Hardly at all for him. "Kate had thought for a second and then blurted something to her ex-partner. "Look, I have thought about me and Castle. We could be…."She had stopped, unable or unwilling to say exactly what they might be. "But I have to concentrate on my Mom's case. It wouldn't be fair to Castle for me to be putting him second to that."

"Have you talked to Castle about how he might feel about that?"

She shook her head determinedly. "No. Once I start a conversation like that, there's no going back. I'll end up failing both Castle and my mom. I can't do that."

Royce had taken a sip of his beer and looked her in the eye. "I still have friends on the force. I heard about when you shot Coonan. He had a gun on Castle and from what I heard, you got to Coonan because of Castle. Right?"

She nodded slowly, but didn't say anything.

"So, maybe you should consider being with Castle to help you solve your mom's case. The more you talk about him, the more I think you really care a lot for him. Remember the old saying, kid, you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Don't miss this one. You'll regret it for the rest of your life."

The conversation had ended when Royce left and then she got a phone call. More than just the conversation had ended.

Kate got off her bed and began undressing and getting ready for bed. As terrifying as it is, I have to take my shot at Castle. I just have to nerve myself up to it.

After the case was over and they were on the plane home, Kate re-read Royce's letter to her. "If only." She read to herself. I can't let Castle be an "if only" in my life. She looked at her sleeping partner and smiled.