672. Chapter 672

After 47 Seconds

Episode 4.19

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd have to be bombed to say I owned Castle. Rating: K Time: See above

Author's note: At one time, before episode 6.23 and 7.20 and all of season eight, I thought these next four episodes were the worst Castle episodes ever. I stand corrected. However, as I have previously, I'm changing these next four stories ever so slightly. I'll bet you won't notice the difference.

Detective Kate Beckett had missed the arrest of Bobby Lopez, so she slipped into the observation room. Espo and Castle were interrogating him. Kate smiled as Bobby tried to claim he had amnesia and couldn't remember anything about the explosion. They'll never go for that. She thought.

"You do not get to use that excuse." Castle said sharply.

Lopez shook his head. "I swear. I don't remember."

"The hell you don't remember. Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it." Castle snapped.

Kate looked through the glass in shock. "He remembered. He remembered everything? He remembers me telling him that I love him?"

Kate walked out of the observation room and on out of the precinct. She walked to a small park nearby and sat down. He lied to me. He said he remembered nothing about the day the sniper tried to kill me and hit him instead. How could he do this? Why would he do this? Kate thought back on her years with Rick Castle. I've spent so much time pushing him away, insulting him and his book and dating other men, why would I have ever thought that I had a chance with Castle? I suppose on some level he likes me. Or maybe he just feels sorry for me. Poor stupid, broken, Kate Beckett who has never really had a life other than being a detective. I suppose Castle has developed a real desire for justice after all. He'd probably want to see me catch my mother's killer, just so it would give me some closure and allow me to move on. Move on with no Richard Castle in my life. She laughed at herself bitterly. Not that I've ever had Richard Castle in my life, really. I could have had him, though. He asked me out after the Tisdale murder. I was sure he just wanted to get me in bed, and maybe he did. Or maybe he just wanted to give me a little thank you for me letting him be on the case. If I'd just had the brains to say yes to him, something might have happened. Even if it was just a night of meaningless sex, I'd have had more of Castle than I do now, or that I ever will have.

Beckett was taken from her reverie by two little children running through the park with their mother behind them. Little Castle babies. I'll never have any life with Castle. Here I've been trying so hard to put myself someplace where I could be with Castle. What a joke. I told him that day at the swings that I couldn't be who and what I wanted to be until I solved my mom's case. She's been dead for over a dozen years now and I'm no closer to finding who ordered her death than I was the day she died. How could I have ever expected Castle to be interested in a cop whose whole life has been one massive obsession? How could I have thought that he would want to spend the rest of his life with someone like me? Could I ever give up my obsession with mom's death? Could I let it go? Would it make any difference to Castle if I did?

Kate had no answer for that and headed back to the precinct. She managed to get through the day on autopilot, just managing to function. She could hardly look at Castle without feeling a deep sense of loss. But as she had done so many times before in her life, she pushed her personal feelings down deep inside herself and functioned as a cop and nothing but a cop.

When they finally had a confession from Leann West, she was relieved. She could finally mourn the loss of any chance of happiness that she would ever have. When Castle suggested they go out for a drink, she mumbled something about being tired and rushed off.

Kate sat in her apartment and sipped on her second glass of wine. It was doing no good. She didn't have even the slightest buzz. I don't know if I can even be a cop anymore. How could I go into the precinct every day and see Castle, knowing he has no feelings for me? Or at least not the feelings I want? What the hell could I do if I wasn't a cop? I haven't been anything at all except a cop for so damned long I don't know how to behave as anything else. Could I just kick Castle to the curb? He'd want to know why. Hell, he'd probably want to help fix whatever was wrong. Sure, I'll just tell him that if he could just kindly fall in love with me all at once, things would be fine. Maybe I could transfer to some desk job at One PP? That would turn Castle off. He hates paperwork and he'd leave eventually. And I'd be all alone. More alone than I've ever been. No Castle and no real cases? God, but I'd hate that.

Kate started to think back over her police career to see if there was anything she could do that would salvage something the wreck that was her personal life and now her career. She was thinking about the times she and Castle had interrogated suspects when something occurred to her. We lie to suspects all the time. Castle said he remembered everything, but suppose he was just trying to rattle Bobby? She thought about that. She also remembered something that she had read when she had tried to learn a little about the after effects of trauma after Castle had been shot. People don't always know that they've forgotten some parts of their trauma. I remember reading that their minds can actually fill in the blanks with false memories to help them deal with the trauma. After all, Castle didn't say "Kate Beckett told me she loved me and I remember every second of it." Maybe, just maybe…

She got to her feet and grabbed her phone, then put it down. No. I have to do this face to face.

A twenty minute cab ride later, she was a Castle's front door. She stood there for several minutes, getting up the courage to knock on the door. Finally she did.

"Beckett. How are you? Here, let me take your coat. Can I get you a drink?"

Beckett handed him her coat, but declined the drink.

"You've been a little off for this case, Beckett. Is something wrong?" His smile told her that he wanted to help, whatever it was. Maybe he could.

"That's what I came here to find out." She said. She took a deep breath. "When you and Espo were interrogating that pickpocket, I was in the observation room. You said you remembered every second of the time you were shot. Is that true?"

"Pretty much."

"What do you mean, pretty much?" She demanded.

"I remember standing at the funeral, I saw the glint of the sniper's scope and dove for you. I felt something whack me in the chest." He smiled. " I was too dumb to realize it meant I'd been shot. Somehow I managed to land on the ground with you on top of me. I remember you pulling your shirt off to staunch the flow of blood. Very sexy by the way. I really thought I was going to die and I was trying so hard to talk to you and then….everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital."

"What were you trying to say to me?"

He shrugged. "It's really not important."

"Yes, it is. While you were trying to talk to me, I was telling you that I love you." Kate was starting to cry.

"You what?" Rick said, shocked.

"What were you trying to tell me?" She demanded again.

"That I love you, Kate."