823. Chapter 823

After Rise

Episode 4.01

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I don't want my gun, I want my Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Make it out to Kate."

Castle looked up briefly, then opened the book and wrote something, handing it back to her without looking at her or saying a word. She stood there for a second until the woman behind her cleared her throat loudly. She stepped away and read what he'd written. It was exactly what she'd asked for: To Kate, Richard Castle. There was none of the personalized remarks he usually wrote when signing his books. Okay, he's angry with me. After three months, there's no reason for me to expect that he'd be anything but angry.

She stood by the door as the line of fans moved on and eventually stopped. He went outside and she followed him as he thanked the store employees. Then he walked right past her.

"Castle…"

"We need to talk." He said, not looking at her, but heading across the street to the park.

They sat on the swings. She was looking at him, but he didn't look at her. "Castle, I realize…"

"Can I speak?" He interrupted her. "As you probably know, I was kicked out of the precinct by the new captain. That's given me a lot of time to think over the last few months. It's obvious that this…partnership of ours has run its course. I think the best thing to do is to make a clean break." He stood up. "I'll send you what I found, though it's not much. Goodbye, Detective Beckett." He walked quickly away.

Beckett was so shocked she sat there, frozen, until he was out of the park. Then she stood up and went after him. "No," she said to herself, "you can't tell me you love me and then dump me. You can't. Can you?

She started to run and yelled his name, but he had already gotten into a cab and was going away from her. She stood on the sidewalk, confused and hurt.

She went to Lanie.

"Lanie, Castle's broken up with me. He said we were over and walked away."

Lanie shook her head. "He didn't break up with you, Kate, because you were never together. Couldn't you see that sooner or later this was going to happen?"

"No, I never did."

"Well, you should have. You can't treat a man, or anyone, like you've treated Castle and expect him to hang around forever. It just doesn't work that way. Especially with a man like Castle. He's got too much pride to stay with you when he isn't wanted and he has other options, you know."

"I do want him around. I do." Kate said sadly. "I really do."

"You don't act like it. You've never acted like you want Castle around."

"Lanie, I've tried. I've done all I could to let him know I want to be with him."

"And it wasn't enough. You called me a couple of times while you were recovering, right? But you never contacted Castle at all, did you?"

Kate couldn't bring herself to tell her best friend that Castle had told her that he loved her as she lay on the cemetery's grass, bleeding out. "What can I do?"

Lanie shook her head. "I don't know. I don't have a magic wand to magically tell you what to do and I sure as hell don't have anything that'll help you with Castle after you so obviously shut him out of your life. You two could have been good together, Kate. Very, very good. But you can't expect him to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. You have to do something, but you won't. You haven't wanted to do anything since day one with that man. I wish I could help you, Sweetie, but I can't and I really doubt that you can even help yourself."

The Soniya Gilbert case had been a nightmare for Beckett. She had frozen up twice when suspects had pulled guns on her. Only the quick actions of Ryan and Esposito had kept her from getting killed. She had to talk to someone.

"You sounded upset on the phone, Kate. Are your PTSD symptoms getting worse?" Dr. Burke asked gently.

Kate stumbled through what had happened with Castle from his declaration of love as she lay wounded to the break up and her seeming inability to function anymore on her own.

"You said he told you this as you were wounded, possibly dying. Is it possible that he didn't mean it? Perhaps he felt you'd feel better somehow if your last memories were of him saying he loves you?"

Kat thought for several moments. "No, he loves me. Or he did then. He's been with me too long and put up…"Kate stopped and began to cry. "He's put up with too much from me to not love me, although he may have given up on me."

"We've talked a bit about your…relationship with Mr. Castle. It's a very odd relationship, especially if Mr. Castle does, or did, love you. Do you love him?"

Kate nodded. "I want to love him. I want everything to be good between us. But I have to concentrate on my mom's murder….and I know it's terribly unfair to him and I want…."She began crying again. "I don't know what I want, but I just want to be better. To not be…me. The me that I am."

Dr. Burke looked at her and nodded. "Is it really an either or proposition? Mr. Castle has been a help to you with your mother's case already. Could he help in the future?"

"I don't know. I do know that if I start up with Castle, I can't just stop it. And if I give up on my mom's case because of Castle….I just don't know."

"Kate, I can't tell you what you want. Only you can make that decision. And unfortunately, neither one of us can decide what Mr. Castle wants. You'll have to work that out between the two of you."

For three nights running, Kate had sat in her car outside of Castle's loft. She had sat there for hours and hadn't been able to work up the courage to talk to him. Then she saw some movement at the front of the building. It was Martha and Alexis, coming out to get a taxi with suitcases in tow. That meant Castle was by himself. Unless he has someone with him. He hasn't had a date since he broke up with Gina. Now that he's done with me, he'd want to be with someone who appreciates him. She decided to take the chance.

She stood in front of his door and knocked. The door opened and there was a smiling Castle. "Did you two forget…" The smile faded at once. "Detective Beckett."

"Can I come in?"

He began to shut the door. "I don't think there's any point in that."

She shoved her boot in to stop the door. "We were partners for three years. We saved each other's lives. Don't you think that I'm entitled to a few minutes of your time?"

He grudgingly opened the door. "Come in."

Kate walked to the couch and sat down.

"Would you like a glass of wine?" Castle was going into host mode.

"Yes, please."

He busied himself in the kitchen and came back with two glasses of red wine.

"I'm sorry. Not calling you was a terrible thing to do and I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "It's in the past, Detective Beckett. Don't worry about it."

Would you please call me Kate or Beckett? She thought. "If I'd called you, I would have just dragged myself back into all the things I was trying to get some distance from. First it was Mike Royce."

Castle frowned. "His death wasn't your fault."

"After he lost his bounty hunter's license he called me. I didn't pick up. He called a dozen times and I never picked up. Before he went to LA he sent me a text. I didn't reply. He was my friend and I couldn't even be bothered with talking to him. He probably would have died anyway, but I'll always feel guilty for not talking to him. Just like I'm guilty for not talking to you."

She took a long drink of her wine. "You like irony, don't you, Castle? How's his for irony? One man tells me the truth and I kick him to the curb. And I go to a man who's lied to me from the first day he met me. And Roy Montgomery is dead because of me. And Evelyn is a widow and the children have no father. And Roy died for me. Yes, he committed a crime and he deserved to be punished, but not murdered."

"Roy knew what he was doing. He had made peace with himself." Castle said softly.

"I wish I could make peace with myself. They're trying to kill me, Castle. They sent Lockwood and he failed and they sent someone else and he missed, so they'll just keep sending people until I'm dead. And I can't do anything about it. I'm falling apart as it is."

"What do you mean? Falling apart? How?"

Kate told him about how she'd frozen up twice during the Soniya Gilbert case. "Castle, when my mom died, I changed. I put up a wall around myself so I'd never be hurt again. I can't be the kind of person I want to be, or have the kind of relationship I want until that wall is down. And the wall won't come down until I find whoever killed my mom. And I can't do that without my partner. Without you."

Castle got up and walked to his office. "Let me show you something."

Inside the office was his electronic board that he used to plot his novels. But, when he tapped the board, her picture came up in the center, surrounded by all the people involved in the case.

"Castle, what is this?"

"My investigation. It looks pretty, but it's fairly useless. I found nothing."

"Erase it. Now. If anyone finds out about this, you'll be a target, too."

He laughed. "Do you think I'm not already a target? I'm your partner, and so are Ryan and Esposito. Whoever is doing this is ruthless. They'd rather kill more people than they need to than less."

"You're my partner?" She asked, hoping he meant it.

"I guess I am."

"Thank you."

"That doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you."

"You should be mad at me."

"But I'll bring you coffee. You still drink coffee, don't you?"

"Always."