chapter forty two

kung fu fighting.season four, episode six.

Lately, she'd been staying at his apartment a few nights a week, for no particular reason. Or, so she said.

He studied her features. Her brows, which were almost always furrowed, we're relaxed. Her breathing was even, as opposed to her usual anxious nature. Her face was bare, no makeup in sight.

And he thought she looked perfect.

He was aware that he had feelings for his best friend. But laying here, looking down at her as she was wrapped in his arms...

Mark knew that he loved her.

He wanted to tell her. He wanted to be more than whatever they were. He just had to find the right time to bring it up.

While Cassie was curled up in Mark's embrace, pretending to be asleep but really just at peace, she was calm for the first time in what felt like forever. Her breathing was steady, and all of her worries seemed to have washed away.

She didn't know what she had been feeling lately. They were friends with benefits, yet it felt like so much more than that.

Cassie sighed softly, trying to figure out what she was feeling. She cared about him more than anyone, that's for sure. She always looked forward to waking up next to him, or seeing him at work, or simply talking to him in general. Obviously there was a physical attraction, but it went much deeper than that.

Cassie loved him.

She just needed to figure it out for herself.

☆

Cristina and Cassie were on Meredith's bed, the former laying down with her head on the pillow and the latter sprawled out in the opposite direction. The duo decided to play therapist for their obviously troubled friend.

"What are your other symptoms?" Cassie asked, writing in her notepad.

"Okay," Meredith sighed. "There's the father thing... the mother thing... the sister thing... the dying and coming back to life thing."

"You have too many things," Cristina said.

Meredith frowned. "Cassie has a lot of things too."

The brunette scoffed. "Not the time, Mer."

"She's not wrong," Cristina shrugged, earning herself a glare from the blonde.

"Can we get back on track?"

Meredith nodded. "I can't sleep. I can't sleep without the dreaming—"

"And the panic attacks."

"One. panic attack."

"Okay, still."

"What's wrong with me?" she groaned.

"As far as I can tell," Cristina shrugged. "Severe abandonment issues."

"That's crap," Meredith scoffed. "Psych is crap. Issues?"

"Actually," Cassie began, causing the other two to roll their eyes.

"Here we go."

"A fear of abandonment isn't a recognized condition or mental health disorder, per se. Instead, it's considered a type of anxiety and is more than often treated as such. Initial behaviors of abandonment fear are usually not purposeful, however they are self inflicted. Over time, the reaction these behaviors get, plus the attention that comes with it, can become self-reinforcing. That can cause someone to repeat the behaviors in order to get the response again. This behavior can have unhealthy consequences, and over time it can ruin relationships. It can also prevent the development of healthy platonic bonds."

Meredith looked at her blankly. "Huh?"

Cristina pointed at Cassie. "She's saying that it's all your fault."

"No," Cassie defended. "I'm not— okay, look. Have you considered that maybe you and Derek should stop having breakup sex? That it might be making things worse?"

Meredith sighed. "The more available he gets... the more I pull away."

Cristina tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Meredith waved her off. "It's a Derek thing."

☆

"So, what exactly is a ?" Mark questioned Derek as they walked down the stairs together.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "It's an evening with gentlemen."

"Sounds kinky," Cassie said, coming up between the two. Mark looked down at her, instinctively smiling and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "The Chief is getting a stripper?"

"No, I don't... I don't think the Chief meant strippers," Derek shook his head.

"Sure sounds like strippers," Mark shrugged as the group passed Bailey. "Dr. Bailey? What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say the words ?"

"Tassels," she answered. "Shiny, sequined tassels and 1 dollar bills."

"See?" Cassie pointed at Bailey in agreement. "Strippers."

"There will be no strippers. I'm... almost positive."

"So you don't know what this thing is either?"

Derek shrugged. "No, but you're in?"

"Oh, Mark is going?" Cassie raised a brow.