131. Chapter 131

Her baby sister needs her.

Her baby sister needs her, needs her to synthesize an antidote to the venom Cadmus pumped into her veins, the venom that sent her crashing out of the sky, that nearly broke her back in the fall, that left her unable to breathe without a respirator and that left her vital signs falling, falling, falling.

Her baby sister needs her, and she’s working as fast as she can, she’s drawing on everything she every learned in school, on the job, in the field, pouring over her mother’s dissertation drafts in the middle of the night as a teenager. She’s drawing on everything she has, and Kara is still dying.

She’s still dying, she’s still fading, and Alex’s hands are shaking, and she’s snapping at Winn, and she’s yelling at Maggie, and she’s glowering at J’onn when he takes her gently by the shoulders and reminds her that Supergirl needs Dr. Danvers right now, not her sister, and she’s failing, failing, failing.

Kara’s going to die, and it’s going to be her fault, her fault, her fault.

“You can do this, Alex, you just need to breathe,” Maggie’s reminding her, and then she’s leaving the lab with a steely, hurt look in her eyes because Alex doesn’t need to be reminded to breathe, my sister can’t breathe, she can’t breathe and I can’t figure it out, I can’t get this to work, I can’t do it, I’m out of ideas, and she’s going to die, so I can’t just relax and breathe, don’t you understand that?

But Maggie comes back a half hour later, and her hair is wind swept because she’s been running, running, running.

“Alex,” she says, and Alex doesn’t turn around because Alex is trying something else, another chemical combination, that is sure to fail, fail, fail.

“Kara just needs to breathe.”

There’s something in Maggie’s tone that makes her look up, that makes her stop, that makes her hope.

Maggie slips over to Kara’s bed, container of gas in hand, and she floods it into Kara’s oxygen mask.

Within moments, Kara coughs and Kara sits up and Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara is going to be just fine.

She doesn’t hear Maggie’s explanation about how their fight about breathing made her think of Kryptonian atmospheric conditions, doesn’t hear Maggie’s explanation about leeching out poison through the lungs, doesn’t hear any of it because she should have come up with it, she should have known, she should have thought of something so obvious, and she failed, she failed, she failed.

She failed and her sister almost died.

She’s home with a fresh bottle of bourbon that night, home and quarter way through the bottle when there’s a knock at her door.

“Alex, babe, come on, I know you’re home.” Maggie’s voice.

She responds by taking another drink.

“Agent Danvers, you realize I can just phase through this door, don’t you?”

She furrows her brow, because what the hell is J’onn doing here?

“Alex, come on, we brought pizza.” James.

“Yeah, at great risk to our health and well-being, since you’re probably in one of those moods where you’ll threaten me with your index finger. Again.” Winn.

Her window rattles and Kara is flying from her living room to her front door, opening it for the others before Alex can even stand up.

“Alex,” Maggie is in the door first, concern and love, love, just unfiltered love, written all over her face. She rushes across the room, kneels in front of her girlfriend, pries the bottle gently from Alex’s fingers, kisses the tears gently from her face, until Alex pulls back, until Alex stands up, until Alex shifts away, away, reaching again for her bottle, for her comfort, for her solace, because she failed, failed, failed.

And she doesn’t deserve the compassion on these people’s faces, she doesn’t deserve the love in their eyes or the pizza in their hands or the openness of their stances.

Them. She just doesn’t deserve them.

“I yelled at you,” she tells Maggie, her voice ragged with worthlessness and her voice ragged with liquor. “I yelled at you, you’re my girlfriend and I yelled at you, and you’re over here trying to make me feel better? And Winn, I snapped at you, and J’onn, I threatened your agents when I found out who was with Kara when she got shot, and James, James, god, I completely ignored you, Kara’s your best friend and you were terrified and I was so selfish, and Kara, if Maggie hadn’t had her brain on right I would have killed you, you would have died, and it would have been my fault, I failed you, Kara, so just leave me alone, all of you, please, because I – “

But Kara’s arms are wrapped around her body and Alex is tense and Alex is resisting but Kara is stronger and Kara knows and she waits and she waits and she’s right, because Alex breaks, breaks, and lets herself collapse into Kara’s arms, grabbing desperately at her like she’ll fade away if Alex lets go even for a moment, even for an instant. Kara pulls her gently back to the couch, and Maggie sits on her other side, and Winn kneels in front of her with one hand over his mouth and his other on James’s knee next to him, and J’onn stands back and hugs himself with his arms across his chest because his little girl is in pain and all he wants is to let her feel what he does, let her believe in herself like he believes in her, because that is what she deserves.

“Alex, the stuff Maggie gave Kara wouldn’t have worked if your antidotes didn’t keep her alive as long as they did. You helped, Alex, you did.”

“But I didn’t bring her back, Winn, I was so stupid, I couldn’t see what was right in front of me, I couldn’t figure it out – “

“Al, that’s why you have people. That’s why you have a team, that’s why you have me. You don’t have to save everyone alone, Alex, you… look around you, babe. All these people, your friends – well, your family, really, right? – they all love you, Alex, even when – especially when – you can’t do something on your own. That’s what we’re for. That’s what people who love you are for.”

Kara is beaming at Maggie and James and Winn are exchanging grins and J’onn has never found his feet quite so interesting to stare at.

Alex sniffs and Alex wipes her eyes with the back of her index finger and Alex turns to look Maggie full in the face.

“People who love me.”

Maggie bites her lip and takes a deep breath and Maggie nods.

“And that… includes you.”

“I’m here, aren’t I, Danvers?”

“You love me, Maggie?” Her voice is shattered and her voice is hope and her voice is redemption and her voice is the possibility of self-forgiveness and maybe, just maybe, self-love.

“Yeah, Alex. Yeah, I do.”

Kara barely suppresses an awwwwww and James and Winn hit each other’s arms and J’onn smiles at his feet.

“Even though I’m a failure.”

“You’re not a failure, babe. You’re not. You’re the farthest thing from it, babygirl. You’re perfect.”

“Maggie’s right, Alex. You’ve saved all of us before. None of us would be here without you. And even if that wasn’t true, Alex, you’re worth more than the number of saves under your belt. You’re amazing, Alex, just because you’re you. You’re my superhero. Always have been, always will be. Okay?”

Alex leans into Kara’s open arms and breathes, truly breathes, for the first time in hours, because Kara’s heartbeat is steady under hers, and she’s surrounded by the people she loves and apparently they love her too – apparently Maggie loves her too – and suddenly, she wants only one thing.

“You guys said you brought pizza, right?”

Maggie’s dimples shine and James laughs and Winn holds out the boxes of pizza with a bowed head like he’s offering riches to a queen.

And he feels like he is, because damn, it doesn’t get more fairy tale happy ending than the best pizza in National City with your family.