233. Chapter 233

It takes Alex about a half hour of full on sobbing to realize that Maggie isn’t going to let her drink more tonight.

She cries harder, then, because she’s never felt loved like this, because she’s never had to just deal with the pain like this. Because Maggie doesn’t care that she’s getting tears and snot all over her shirt. Because she’d failed. She’d failed everyone. Kara, Jeremiah, her mother, J’onn, the entire city. Herself. Everyone.

And Maggie is still here, and Maggie is still holding her, whispering soothing words into her ear and reminding her to breathe and telling her that she’s perfect, she’s perfect, she’s perfect.

So Alex cries harder, and by the time she feels like there is no water left inside her, her body feels like she just spent a solid twelve hours training in the green room at the DEO.

She doesn’t know how Maggie knows, because she doesn’t say anything. But as she tries to stand up – she realizes with a jolt that she must still be drunk – Maggie hops down from the stool and braces herself firmly and lifts Alex off of her feet with surprising strength and balance and ease.

Alex just clings to her as Maggie carries her to the bed – their bed, perhaps – and sets her down gently.

Alex stares up at this amazing woman, this woman that she’s breaking in front of yet doesn’t seem to think less of her – if anything, she’s looking at her like she likes her, loves her?, more than ever – and she doesn’t deserve her, doesn’t deserve her strong arms and steady hands and soft kisses to her head and soothing whispers in her ear and being called sweetie. Doesn’t deserve any of it, no matter what Maggie insists.

She doesn’t deserve her, but she needs the pain to just go away.

She reaches up and grabs at Maggie’s face, pulls her crashing down to meet her lips, pulls her off of feet so she lands in a sprawl on top of her, and she hears Maggie gasp into her mouth, feels Maggie open her lips in surprise, and Alex takes advantage, slipping her tongue into Maggie’s mouth, and Maggie lets out an involuntary moan, but then Maggie is pulling away, away, away.

And Alex breaks, again, because maybe Maggie knows she’s right. Maybe Maggie knows Alex doesn’t deserve her.

She’s leaning up on her elbows and there are tears in her own eyes, now, as she stares down at Alex’s terrified face.

“Al, if you want me, if that’s what you want right now, to lose yourself in this, in me, that’s… that’s fine, you can. You can use my body however you need to. I lo – I’m wild about you, and I trust you, and I always want you, and I understand. But you’re… Alex, you’re hurting, badly, and you deserve… you deserve better than a frenzied fix-it fuck.”

Alex stares up at her for so long Maggie is terrified she’s said the wrong thing, terrified she’s made Alex feel rejected.

“Hold me?” Alex rasps after a long moment, and Maggie smiles softly.

“Of course, Danvers.” Alex shifts so Maggie can pull the covers out from under her, so she can help her out of her sweatshirt. Alex watches as Maggie slips out of her jeans, and Alex reaches trembling fingers up when Maggie’s fingers travel to her shirt.

Maggie assents, stepping closer so Alex can undo the buttons herself. She watches as Alex concentrates through puffy, red eyes, and she knows she’s never truly been in love until this woman.

Her fingers skate across her skin as Maggie shrugs out of her now undone shirt, and she hops over Alex’s body to slip under the covers behind her. Alex automatically lifts her head so Maggie can rest one arm underneath her neck, and she shifts back so her body is flush against Maggie’s, and Maggie smiles as Alex’s entire body relaxes, as she sighs into the safety of Maggie’s arms.

Alex’s breathing evens out eventually, but Maggie doesn’t sleep.

She doesn’t sleep, because she knows.

And sure enough, Alex screams for her father, screams for Kara, as she sits bolt upright, shaking and breathless.

“Hey, hey, Alex, I’m here, I’m here, Kara’s okay, everything’s okay, I’ve got you, sweetie, I’ve got you.”

Alex looks around wildly and stares at Maggie like she’s never seen her before, like she’s trying to figure out where she is. Who she is. Why she deserves the woman with the soft hands and soft voice and even softer eyes. But her breathing regulates the longer she looks, and Maggie lets her look as long as she needs to.

It doesn’t happen again.

Because when she sun starts to rise, Maggie is still awake. Still awake and watching over her girl, watching over her sweetheart, soothing her with kisses to her face designed to rouse her out of a dream but not fully wake her each time Alex’s body starts to tense in sleep.

“Good morning, beautiful,” she whispers when Alex’s eyes start to stir open.

And for a moment, for a blissful moment, she remembers nothing but the warmth of the woman next to her, but the smile greeting her, but the love infused in the beautiful.

Maggie knows, and her hands, her lips, her body, is there to soothe Alex when she starts to remember.

Jeremiah. Cadmus. Kara. Jeremiah. Kara. Eliza. Cadmus.

“I know you’ve got a long day coming up, so can I… can I treat you to breakfast, babe?”

A slow, grateful smile battles the agony that had been growing on Alex’s face, and she is so, so thankful that Maggie is treating her warmly, treating her tenderly, but also treating her like she’s a strong, capable DEO agent with a tough mission ahead of her.

“At that place with the apple-spice waffles?”

Maggie scoffs playfully, gently. “Always at that place with the apple-spice waffles. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am, Danvers?”

Alex smiles and pulls her down with groggy hands for a kiss. Her tongue flits across Maggie’s bottom lip and she relishes the way Maggie shudders pleasantly in her hands, the way she moans softly, the way she opens her mouth and gives Alex’s tongue entry, the way she sighs into her mouth and the way her strong body goes pliant in Alex’s arms.

“The best kind, Maggie,” Alex rasps when they pull apart with swollen lips and hearts that are starting to heal. “The best kind.”