404. Chapter 404

Alex has been fighting with her for years.

Usually, without acknowledging the real problems. Usually, making mountains out of seeming molehills, because the mountains are too terrifying, too vulnerable, to mention.

Sometimes, tackling the real problems head on.

“Why hasn’t it ever been enough?”

It takes Eliza a lot to realize how deep the scars she caused go.

It takes Eliza a lot to realize that what she’d thought of as support, Alex had received as abuse. As condemnation. As affirmation, not of how smart and strong she is, but as affirmation that she really is worthless at the core.

It takes Eliza a combination of Alex’s sister and Alex’s girlfriend to unveil her denial, her unwillingness to see just how badly she’s damaged the daughter she loved more than anything in this world.

It takes Kara, rising from the Thanksgiving table, and telling Eliza point-blank that instead of reprimanding Alex for drinking so much, Eliza should stop to consider why she is, what she’s coping with, and she knows Eliza loves her but Rao, couldn’t she show Alex that a little more often instead of just telling her and expecting her to feel it?

It takes Maggie, taking Alex’s hand into one of hers and the car keys with her other, thanking Eliza for her hospitality but telling her in no uncertain terms that she couldn’t stay under a roof where the woman she loves is being made to constantly feel like she’s not enough, because Alex is more than enough just as she is, and she’s sorry, but they can’t stay somewhere that’s so hostile to Alex’s ability to recognize how incredible she really is.

Eliza doesn’t call for a week.

Kara texts to tell her that Alex needs time.

Maggie texts to tell her that Alex needs space.

Alex doesn’t text at all, simply nodding her red-eyed approval at the messages her sister and her girlfriend are sending on her behalf.

Eliza doesn’t call for a week, but when she does call, she knows what she has to say, and – for the first time – she understands why she has to say it. And she feels it. Means it.

“Alex,” she says softly, stopping herself from saying her full name, because Kara’s pointed out how Alex flinches at her full name, every time, so why use it as a weapon? “Everything you’ve said to me over the years? About me making you feel responsible for Kara, like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? You’ve been right, all this time. Of course you have. My beautiful daughter. I took a fourteen year old child and I put the weight, not only of this world, but of another, on her shoulders – on your shoulders, my Alex – and I blamed you for things that weren’t, ever, your fault. When your father was taken by the DEO, I… and this isn’t an excuse, Alex, I have no excuses… I expected you to… to somehow replace him while also living up to impossible standards as a sister to Kara, and I… I didn’t see how you suffered. I didn’t want to see it, Alex, because if I did, then I… I would never be able to forgive myself. But that’s my problem, my darling daughter, not yours. I can’t ask for your forgiveness, Alex, because I’ve already asked for far too much from you, but I… I wanted to say that, forgiveness or not, I am sorry. And I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I… I will do better, Alex. If you want to give me the opportunity. I know you’re a grown woman, and I am so, so proud of the woman you’ve become – I’m so sorry I don’t say that enough – but I’d still love the opportunity to be a better mother to you. The mother you deserve. The mother you should have had all these years.”

Alex can’t speak because all Alex can do is sob, but Maggie drives her to Midvale the next morning, and she waits in the car, a small, somewhat sad smile on her face while Alex falls into her mother’s arms and sobs some more.

But the sobs are happier, now, than they have been in the past, and when Alex and Eliza both come to the car to insist Maggie come inside and eat with them – Eliza’s bought tiramisu, and Alex’s favorite pie, not Kara’s – Alex makes sure to hold Maggie close to her side, all day, all night, pressing extra kisses to her face.

And Eliza gives her extra attention, extra love, too, because she might be making up for lost time with Alex, but Maggie has lost time with parents to be made up for too.

And that idea?

Eliza, mothering both her and her girlfriend with warm smiles and affectionate pet names and incredible cooking and even more incredible nerd talk?

Makes Alex the happiest woman in the world.