466. Chapter 466

Whenever he goes back to his high school to speak – about the need for gender neutral restrooms; about the importance of self-care and Latino queer communities after Pulse; about consent, about queer relationships, about self-love and about safer sex – he pays special attention to the kids who sit in the back.

Who sit in the back of the classroom and try their hardest to look like they’re not paying attention.

He pays special attention to the ones who try to look invisible, but who sit up straighter, whose eyes fly wide – if only for a moment – when he brings up certain identities. When he validates certain labels. When he talks frankly and openly and proudly about his binder, about his first packer, about his anxiety dis/order, about being in therapy.

He pays special attention to these kids, because they’re often the ones who need him most.

So when he’s talking to his old health teacher’s class about queer sexualities, and he mentions friends of his who are ace – when he explains that the asexual spectrum is real, is not about damage, has nothing to do with brokenness, except the brokenness of a society that shreds individuals’ self-worth for their approach to intimacy – he notices when a boy in the back of the room, backwards snapback and faded Padres shirt, sits up straighter. Stares at him like he can’t quite believe the words coming out of his mouth. Twitches his hand, his lips, like he wants to raise his hand, like he wants to say something.

He doesn’t.

“Hey, it’s Justin, right?” Adrian approaches him as the boy takes an inordinate amount of time packing his bag as the class files out, as Adrian finishes hugging and shaking hands with various kids who were freshmen when he was a senior, who’ve grown so much in the last year.

“Yeah,” Justin answers stiffly, warily. Hopefully.

“Hey listen, um… I know you don’t know me, but… you know I mentioned that cop and her FBI girlfriend who are like my queer moms, right? I’m having dinner with them tonight, and I thought you maybe would wanna come with me. A bunch of kids from the school’ve met them, and I thought maybe you’d like to.”

Justin stares and his hands tremble, but he sets his jaw and he swallows retorts about why would I want to do that, why would you be asking me, I’m not queer, I’m not queer, I’m not…

“Sure man. I have a Model U.N. meeting after school. Can you wait around until 4:30?”

Adrian smiles – his heart still leaping at the idea of a cis-appearing, straight-passing guy casually calling him ‘man’ – and nods as he slips his phone out of his pocket.

Mags – is one extra for dinner tonight okay?

He barely has to wait for a reply.

Always, Ade. Can’t wait to see you.

He doesn’t tell her anything more about the boy – about Justin – he’s not sure what he would say, anyway. Justin hasn’t said anything to him. Just with his body, just with his face. But nothing direct. So whatever he might or might not want to say – whatever he might or might not be – is Justin’s to tell, at his own pace.

And Adrian will let him.

Just like he lets him play with the radio in his car as he drives him , frenetically switching through the stations with a broad grin on his face.

“I’ve got an older sister who always sits in the front seat,” he offers by way of explanation, and Adrian just nods and lets Justin crank the volume up.

He freezes before they make their way upstairs to Alex’s apartment.

“Why me?” he asks, and Adrian tilts his head just like Maggie does.

“I thought maybe some things I was talking about resonated with you.” He shrugs. “It’s okay if it didn’t. But I thought maybe it did.”

He and Justin hold eyes for a long moment, and Justin nods first. “What you said about that ace stuff. It got me thinking.”

Adrian smiles softly, nods softly.

“About what?”

Justin shakes his head and takes a full step back.

“Let’s just go upstairs.”

He’s surprised by the warmth with which the cop and her FBI girlfriend greet him, the enthusiasm with which they hug Adrian, the shorter woman – the one with the cop badge, so Maggie – nearly toppling him over with the force of her hug.

He wonders if this is what family is.

He offers a stiff hand for Alex and Maggie to shake, and his heart melts a little when he sees them brush hands, brush lips, when they slip back into the kitchen, smoothly, easily, navigating around each other to get dinner on the table.

“Can I help, Detective Sawyer?” he offers, and Adrian snorts while Maggie beams.

“You just make yourself comfortable, kid. Adrian tells us you were at one of his guest classes today.”

He nods nervously, but one look at Adrian’s face tells him that that’s all he told them, that he didn’t say anything about… anything else.

“Yeah, he said some things that um… that resonated with me. Do you wanna be a teacher, Adrian? You’d be good at it.”

Adrian beams and Maggie stands on tip toes to kiss his cheek.

“Which parts resonated, Justin?” Alex asks, keeping her voice casual as she brings down plates from a high cabinet. She remembers she needed pushing, but gently, gently, gently.

He freezes and Maggie and Adrian make sure to continue setting the table, to not stare.

“Some stuff about asexual stuff. About not wanting to have sex, and that being… that being okay.”

To Justin’s surprise and to Adrian’s delight, Maggie steals behind Alex at Justin’s words and kisses the back of her neck.

“Well, it’s totally okay in this relationship. Hmmm, Alex?” she presses kisses along her throat from behind, and Alex hums into her touch.

“Yeah, the whole sex thing? It’s cute when she wants it, but uh… we’ve figured out ways to keep her satisfied,” Alex beams, Alex blushes, Alex looks over her shoulder, her own heart leaping to be meeting someone else who might be like she is.

“Wait,” Justin pales. “You… you’re… I’m sorry if this is rude, I don’t… Are you asexual?” he stammers at Alex, and she disentangles from Maggie’s arms to hand her down the plates, which Maggie takes with another kiss to Alex’s cheek.

“Guilty as charged,” Alex grins, and Adrian watches Justin closely.

“But you… you two… Adrian said you two are practically married, he told our class that you’re his… you’re his queer moms.”

“Awww, Ade, don’t you have anything better to tell the high schoolers about?” Maggie teases from where she’s setting plates on the table, and Adrian sticks his tongue out at her.

“We are,” Alex answers Justin, who’s still staring between her and Maggie, open-mouthed.

“But you’re… you said… I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, I don’t – “

“It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“But you just said Maggie likes sex… wants sex… but you two… you’re happy. You’re together and you’re happy, and I…”

Maggie freezes at the table, Adrian freezes by the counter, and Alex freezes right in front of Justin. All three of them watch, wait. Nod. Love.

“We’re together and we’re happy, and Alex is the perfect woman for me. I love sex, she doesn’t. And she is the absolutely perfect woman for me.”

Alex beams, but her eyes don’t leave Justin’s face.

“But… but I… I thought maybe I was gay, or that I… that something bad happened to me, or something’s wrong in my brain, or my body, or I… I could still be happy? With a girl? In a… in a queer community? I could be… I could be with someone who… I could be happy?”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. And you can be happy,” Alex whispers, hands hesitating before she puts them on his arms, and he steps forward slightly to meet her fingertips.

“You can be so, so ecstatically happy. I am. I promise you can be, too. You deserve to be.”

“Yeah, one day you can be just as sickeningly happy as these two nerds,” Adrian tells him, and Justin laughs in relief, laughs in choked tears, laughs in hope.