467. Chapter 467

She knows.

She knows, because she knew pretty much the minute she first laid eyes on Maggie Sawyer.

She knows, and Kara knows, because she told Kara pretty much the minute after she first laid eyes on Maggie Sawyer.

She knows, and Kara knows, and sometimes she thinks Maggie knows. But Maggie is her best friend, so she hasn’t told her. Hasn’t told her because how can she tell her without telling her she wants to kiss her, without telling her that when they hold hands, she wants it to mean something it doesn’t mean now, without telling her she wants to be her girlfriend, without telling her that when she sleeps over in Maggie’s bed, she doesn’t sleep, because all she wants to do is touch, is kiss, is giggle, is cuddle closer, cuddle more, cuddle romantic?

She knows, and Kara knows, and sometimes she thinks Maggie knows, but she hasn’t told anyone else.

Mainly because she doesn’t want anything getting back to Eliza.

Eliza, who always expects perfection.

Eliza, who is kind to all the other kids – including and especially Winn Schott, the boy Kara brought home for dinner after he got a black eye for experimenting with nail polish – but Alex is the exception.

Eliza, who Alex could never stand to disappoint, especially now, especially since… her father.

Eliza, who can’t stop talking about that jerk Max Lord, that jerk Max Lord who came in second to Alex’s Intel entry, that jerk Max Lord who’s so smart and so responsible and oh, Alexandra, isn’t it so wonderful that he wants to take you to the spring formal? He has such wonderful taste, to be courting my beautiful, intelligent girl.

Alex doesn’t know how to tell her no.

Alex doesn’t know how to tell him no.

Because she can’t stand to be a disappointment.

Because if she tells Max no, she won’t be rejecting one particular boy, one particular date.

If she tells Max no, she’ll be rejecting Eliza’s hope that she can live a cookie-cutter life, a full life, an exceptional life… a perfect life.

So she bites back tears and she swallows bile and she programs a yes into the robot he made and sent to her locker – she can’t help but think Winn would have done a more elegant job – and she accepts Eliza’s hugs and discussions of what dress she’ll buy her and oh, do you want to get your hair done? I’ll pay for it, Alexandra, you’ve been working so hard, you deserve to be pampered.

She bites back tears and swallows bile and tries not to watch Maggie’s fists clench. Tries not to watch Maggie’s jaw set, her eyes water, her nostrils flare.

She tries not to derive any hope from those things.

She tells herself it’s only because they’re friends. Best friends. And they were supposed to go to the spring formal together. As friends. As best friends.

“You have to tell her, Alex. You don’t have to go with Mr. Yucky Pants,” Kara tells her as they walk the beach together that night. Alex scrunches her face up and Kara adjusts her glasses.

Alex’s heart tugs, as the gesture still makes her think of Jeremiah.

“What? He’s rude. And he’s arrogant. All the bad English words you’ve been teaching me.”

Alex can’t help but smirk, and she tosses her arms back in her trademark shrug.

“Yeah, he is, but even if he was the nicest guy – like, James or Winn or something – I wouldn’t…”

“I know. Because you’re a lesbian.”

“Shhhh!!!”

“No one’s here, I’m sorry – “

“I know, Kara, just… just…” Alex groans and holds out her arm, offering it to Kara, who steps eagerly into her embrace. “I’m scared, Kara,” she continues, in a small voice.

“I’m with you,” Kara tells her, and she wraps her arm around Alex’s waist, so they’re walking as close as they can be. Alex sighs and lets herself feel safe.

For now.

For now, until she sees Maggie the next morning on the steps on the side of the school. Until she sees Maggie and she wants to scream, because she still looks sad and she still looks hurt and she still looks like everything Alex wants.

“I don’t wanna go to the stupid dance with that stupid Max Lord,” Alex huffs without preamble, collapsing next to Maggie unceremoniously.

Maggie sits up straighter, and the ghost of hope flashes across her features.

“Oh. Well, you said yes, so I thought you did.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Ew, no. He’s gross. And even if he weren’t gross, I wouldn’t wanna go with him, I…” She stares and she forgets how to breathe when Maggie’s expectant eyes meet hers, when Maggie’s fingers graze her own so light it almost tickles.

Her best friend. Her best friend. Her best friend.

“I wouldn’t want to go with any boy.”

Maggie’s breath hitches and Alex licks her lips.

“Neither would I,” Maggie whispers like she hasn’t spoken in years.

Alex’s eyes are stinging, and Maggie’s are wet, too.

“Why are you, then? Going with him?”

“I’m scared,” Alex admits.

“Of?” Maggie asks, and Alex gulps.

“Of what would happen if I went with the person… with the girl… I really want to go with. Instead of some boy.

“What are you scared of?”

“My mom. Not so much the world. But my mom. Disappointing her. And… and you. Losing you.”

Maggie shrivels, and Alex shakes her head, reaching out to take her hand.

“I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t feel the same way. Or if we tried to be girlfriends and it didn’t work and I lost you as a friend.”

Maggie blinks and a tear spills onto her cheek.

“You won’t. Lose me. Not ever. And your mom… she can deal, Danvers. She can deal, because you… you’re perfect.”

Alex gulps. “Perfect for you?”

Maggie grins, and Alex thinks that maybe, just maybe – with her little sister, with her best friend, with… herself – she can do this.

“Yeah. Super perfect for me.”