516. Chapter 516

She tells them she needs time to process.

Her father. The war.

The… tank.

Her engagement.

Coming out.

The tank.

Her credit card and Kara’s face while she pushed an entire interstellar vessel back, back, back, to save her, to save everyone. When she could so easily have lost herself.

Kara fighting Rhea.

Nearly losing her.

Again.

So she bails on Game Night and then again on Movie Night, and they try to surround her with their love, because that’s all this family ever wants to do.

Love each other.

But she resists and she tells them no, no, she needs time, she needs space.

But god, she hadn’t meant this much time. She hadn’t meant this much space.

Because yes, she’d fantasized about having time alone, but she’s realizing that she’d had more than enough time alone.

In that tank.

In the tank of her own creation.

She needs her friends.

She just can’t talk. She just can’t laugh. She just wants to… be.

No expectations, no demands, no what’s wrong, no you’re no fun, no you’re quiet, what is it, how can we help.

Because she doesn’t know how to say that they can help by just… being there. By letting her witness their happiness, without feeling like she’s bringing them down. By letting her soak it all in without feeling like she’s draining out their good time.

But she’s not used to asserting what she wants – not in terms of her own emotions, anyway – so she buries it.

She buries it, like she’s so used to doing, and it feels normal. It feels familiar.

It also feels absolutely terrible.

She facetimes Kara, and she doesn’t open her mouth. Because she can’t.

She has nothing to say. She just wants to be… together.

Once she’s convinced there’s no alien invasion, Kara squints and she sighs and she smiles so softly. The look she always gives Alex – just Alex, no one else – before she strokes her hair and says she’s proud of her.

Alex’s heart aches.

She hopes Kara knows what she doesn’t have the energy to open her mouth and say.

“You know, Maggie called me this morning. She said maybe we can have an impromptu Movie Night tonight. Does that sound good? You can just nod, or blink. Whatever’s comfortable,” Kara tells her, and she almost cries.

Almost cries, because Kara knows her, and Maggie knows her, and she doesn’t know how to ask, but maybe she doesn’t always have to.

Winn calls her later – something about her picking the movie tonight – and she doesn’t know what to say.

“I mean you don’t really want to let me pick so we can watch The Return of the Jedi for the five hundredth – “

“Winn,” she interrupts, dredging up everything she has inside her, and it feels like her insides are inverting, but it also feels like sweet, sweet relief. “Listen bro, I want to be around you. All of you. I do. But I don’t want to pick the movie and I don’t want to talk and I don’t want you to ask me what’s wrong. Just because I don’t want to be physically alone in the apartment doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you guys. But wanting to be around you guys doesn’t mean I want to be the center of attention, or even… even on the side of attention. I just want to… be. With you all. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to – I’m sorry, I have to go – “

“No no no, hey, Alex, Alex, whoa. I’m proud of you, okay? For managing to tell me without threatening me with your index finger. Seriously though, listen, if you don’t want to be alone – I’m sorry, I should have asked before, I’m sorry – “

“No, it’s not your – “

“My point, Danvers, is if you don’t want to be alone, I know James and Kara have this CatCo thing until right up to Movie Night. And I think your pool shark gets off shift right before, too. So why don’t you come over to my place beforehand, watch me play video games? I’ll feed you. No talking or asking what’s wrong. Just me saving the galaxy. Okay? And then we’ll go to Kara’s together when they’re all ready. Okay?”

She doesn’t speak because she can’t speak.

“Alex, listen, I need you to grunt or something, just so I can – “

“Yes.”

“Alright. Great. You don’t have to say anything else. I’ll come get you from the lab when I’m done updating James’s suit, okay? I’m proud of you, Alex. I’ll see you soon.”

She hears the kindness of his smile as he hangs up, and she feels her own lips turn upward of their own accord.

This must be what it feels like to not bury her feelings down.

And god, does it feel good.