594. Chapter 594

She tells the soldier – terrified and in pain on the cold, solid ground – that he’s going to be okay. That he has no internal injuries. That he’ll be alright.

That she’s got him.

It makes her think of her soldier.

Her sister.

And it wrenches her own insides. Painfully.

She almost calls her.

Almost.

But she has Maggie, now.

She doesn’t need Kara butting in and ruining everything, now.

But she can’t stop thinking about what she told that soldier.

The thing that Alex always tells her.

I got you.

I’m here, you’re safe, I’m taking care of you, I’m protecting you, I love you.

She doesn’t know, now, how to let Alex be there. Keep her safe. Take care of her. Protect her. Love her.

Because she can’t give any of that back to Alex.

She can’t give anything to anyone. Not anymore.

Not as Kara Danvers.

And Alex never wanted her to be Supergirl.

And now, that’s all Kara wanted to be.

So she doesn’t know how to let Alex… love her.

Because she doesn’t know, anymore, how to let her love… herself.

“I’ve got you,” she told the scared, young soldier.

She tries not to think of her sister as a scared, young soldier, nearly drowning in that tank; a scientist, a healer, transfigured into a killer.

All because of her.

All because of the burden of growing up with Kara Danvers.

She doesn’t want to be a burden anymore.

She doesn’t want to… be. Anymore.

And, later, when Alex comes over and tries to demand that she talk to her, tries to demand that she let her in, Kara lets all her rage flood out of her veins and into Alex’s soul.

It feels like Red K felt, but there are no excuses this time.

It feels like Red K felt, and it feels amazing.

It feels amazing to break Alex’s view of her, to wrench her big sister from the delusion that Kara Danvers is worthy of existing, to rid her of the false hope that humanity is worth living in.

She gets a rush from the hurt in Alex’s eyes.

And she hates herself for it.

She hates herself for it, and the more she hates herself, the more she pours her hatred into her sister.

She hates herself all the more when Alex doesn’t leave enraged. When Alex doesn’t try to hurt her back.

When Alex doesn’t try to get even.

She hates herself all the more when Alex still insists that Kara Danvers is her favorite person. Even after all… that.

J’onn tries.

Lena tries.

She feels everyone around her trying.

It makes her feel all the worse.

But somewhere inside her, it buoys her.

Somewhere inside her, it reminds her of who she used to be.

Who she can be.

The feeling just increases when Eliza texts her.

I love you, Kara. Please call me when you get the chance. I want to hear your beautiful voice. I am so proud of you, my wonderful, wonderful daughter. I’m so grateful you came into our lives. And Alex is, too. We’re here for you, Kara. We’re always here for you.

She wipes her eyes at the way Eliza writes essay-long texts. At the way she’s proud of her. Always.

Just like her sister is.

She sighs.

She calls James, first.

“I’m sorry,” she tells him, without preamble.

“It’s okay, Kara,” he tells her, without hesitation.

The hatred threatens to return. She fights to keep it at bay.

“It’s not,” she counters, and she hears him sigh. “Can I unquit?” she asks, before he has a chance to try to comfort her again.

“Of course you can,” he tells her, and she thanks him, and she hangs up, because small steps, and she’s about to break.

She texts Lena next.

The heart Lena sends in response makes the corners of her lips twitch upwards.

And then she does something terrifying.

She heads out to the bar.

Because Alex still texted her to tell her where everyone would be tonight.

Just in case.

She knows Maggie’s eyes light up, and James’s, and Winn’s.

But she only has eyes for her sister.

Her sister, who doesn’t, somehow, hate her for the things she’s said. For pulling back. For abandoning her when Alex needs her, too.

Her sister, who kisses her shoulder and who loves her more than she loves her own life.

Her friends – no, her family – do a good job of keeping things normal. Of not making a huge deal that she’s finally come out with them, after all this time.

But after a while, James and Winn announce that they’re going to play pool. Maggie kisses Alex before getting up to follow them, alleging that she has to keep the bar safe from Winn and his awful interpretation of geometry with sticks.

After a while, they leave Kara alone with her sister, because they know they need it.

Kara wants to be angry, irritated.

She’s grateful, instead.

“I love you, Kara,” Alex tells her before she can say anything. “I love you, and there is nothing that you could ever say or do that would make me love you less.”

Kara nearly breaks. She holds on to her big sister instead.

“I’m sorry,” her voice cracks. “For how I spoke to you, for pushing you away. You’re getting married, Alex, and I should be here for you, I – “

“Kara, that’s not – “

“Yes, it is. Celebrating life is just as important as… as mourning things. And you two, celebrating your love? Especially after…” She doesn’t talk about the tank, because she doesn’t have to. Alex knows. “I should be here for you, Alex.”

Alex shakes her head and takes Kara’s hands into hers. “And I want to be here for you, Kara. With everything you’re going through. I got you, Kara. Always. But you need to let me, you need – “

“I know.”

Both of their voices are broken and both of their faces are wet.

“I love you,” they say at the same time, and they laugh softly and Kara puts her head on Alex’s shoulder and moans.

“I’ve been such a jerk,” she says, her words muffled by Alex’s shirt, but Alex just shakes her head and kisses Kara’s hair.

“Yeah, because I’ve never been a jerk to you before in my entire life,” Alex says, and Kara smiles.

“How many kinds of potstickers are gonna be at that rescheduled tasting?” she asks, and Alex beams.

“So many,” she grins, and nearly cries when Kara lifts her face and there’s a smile plastered on it for the first time in too long.

“Excellent,” she kisses Alex’s cheek, and for the first time in too long, it is.