611. Chapter 611

She’s seen the photos from when they were teenagers: Alex and Kara.

And – smiling or unrelentingly serious – Alex always looks ready.

Ready to protect Kara.

Ready to make her laugh.

Ready to make her feel good, to make her feel special.

And she’s wonderful with Adrian.

And she’s seen her here and there with kids coming in and out of the precinct.

She always lowers her body to be on their eye level, but somehow never manages to be condescending about it.

Her voice changes when she talks to them, but just a little.

A little more sunshine and a lot less hurricane.

Still Alex.

Still beautiful.

Still… perfect.

But Maggie’s never brought it up, never imagined Alex would want kids of her own.

She basically raised Kara.

Maggie can’t imagine Alex wanting to put her life on hold to raise another kid.

So she assumes.

She assumes, and she probably shouldn’t have.

Because when she sees Alex with Ruby, it warms her heart.

Because she loves discovering all of her fiancee’s secret talents.

She loves learning every little thing there is to learn about Alex Danvers.

But then Alex makes the comment.

About when they have kids one day.

When, not if.

And Maggie seizes up.

She doesn’t want to.

But she can’t help it.

She seizes up and she wants to surrender then and there.

Because of course this is too good to be true.

Of course Alex was always going to leave eventually.

Or, more precisely, Maggie was always going to destroy them eventually.

Alex says they should discuss it, and they need to. They do.

But Maggie shrugs it off, because their lifetime of firsts – and whether or not that includes children – is important.

But more important, right now, is the child, now woman, that Alex has already raised.

“Go be with Kara,” she tells her. “I’ll see you when you get home.”

And Alex kisses her, and she smiles, but both the kiss and the smile are close-lipped.

Alex heads home to Kara.

Maggie heads home to her heavy bag.

She lays into it hard and long and painful, and she barely has the energy to take a shower.

She doesn’t bother putting on anything but boxers and a tank top.

Alex’s tank top.

Might as well wear her fiancee’s clothes while she still can.

While Alex is still her fiancee.

She passes out on the couch, face down, stomach down, before she realizes she’s falling asleep.

It’s sunrise by the time the door cracks open.

Sunrise by the time Alex kneels beside the couch, sweeps Maggie’s hair away from the nape of her neck, and kisses her newly-exposed skin.

“Couldn’t make it all the way to the bed, beautiful?”

The affection in Alex’s voice makes Maggie want to run.

It’ll end sooner or later anyway.

“We need to talk,” she sits up, pushing up on her hands, her voice both groggy and sharp. “But how’s Kara?”

“Sleeping. She took the morning off to rest, she… you’re right. We need to talk.”

Maggie rubs sleep from her eyes.

“Tea and agave,” Alex asks, but it’s more of a statement.

“I love you,” Maggie responds gratefully, before realizing that love might not be enough. Before realizing that her world might be about to crumble apart.

Again.

They don’t speak as Alex puts the kettle on, making a coffee for herself and a tea for Maggie.

They don’t speak until Alex sits back down on the couch, shifted toward Maggie so their knees are touching.

“So,” Alex starts, sipping and flinching because it’s too hot, too much, too fast. She tries not to think of it as a metaphor. “You don’t see yourself as a mom.”

Maggie shakes her head. “It’s just never been something I wanted. And it’s not… it’s not because of my parents, it’s not because of some trauma or… I’m not broken or anything, I – “

“I didn’t say you were, Maggie,” Alex interrupts softly, and Maggie tries to take a deep breath.

“But you do. Want kids.”

Alex sits back and sighs and blows on her coffee, staring over the rim of her mug at her fiancee.

“I mean… not now. Eventually, I always figured. I mean… back before I came out, before I realized I’m a lesbian, I… I guess I just figured I’d raise a child myself. With Kara, you know? The whole ‘it takes a village’ thing. Except then, the village was just me and Kara. Now, I guess I assumed it would be you and me. And… and our chosen family.”

Maggie nods and tries to swallow enough tea to burn away the tension in her throat.

It doesn’t work.

“I don’t want to be in the way of something you want, Alex. The kind of family you want. So if you – “

“No. No, Maggie, you don’t get to do that. This is a relationship, it’s not… you don’t get to decide for me that because I want something you don’t, you need to leave me for my own good. Unless you want to leave.”

Her hands shake nearly enough to spill her coffee.

Maggie puts her tea on the coffee table and puts her hand on Alex’s thigh.

“Of course I don’t want to leave, Danvers. I just don’t want to – “

“Be in the way of something I want, you said.”

A silence.

It grows longer and their eyes remain locked.

They sigh, suddenly and in unison.

They laugh despite themselves.

“Alex, I’m just worried that… is this something we can… compromise on? I mean, it’s like sex, isn’t it?”

Alex furrows her brow and tilts her head.

Maggie smiles sadly. “You get that from me,” she pokes the space between Alex’s eyes gently, and Alex bites her lip to keep herself from crying.

“It’s like sex in the sense that, if one person doesn’t want to have sex, and the other person does, it doesn’t matter. You just don’t have sex. And with this… I don’t want kids, Danvers, but if you do, then… I don’t…”

“This is my fault,” Alex puts her mug down and buries her face in her hands.

“Babe, no, hey. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting kids, Alex, it’s not – “

“No,” Alex moans from behind her fingers. “I was impulsive, I was stupid… we’d just survived a war, a literal alien invasion, and I…”

“Do you not want to marry me?” Maggie finds herself asking for the second time that week, and it breaks both of their hearts.

“I do, Maggie. I do. Just… there’s so much we haven’t talked about. And I’ve wanted to. I’ve thought about it. Having kids. With you. All of it. I just… I guess I was scared to say certain things… I didn’t want to…”

“Scare me off?” Maggie asks, and Alex finally lifts her head out of her hands with a nod.

“Alex, listen to me. If you don’t want me to leave, I’m not leaving. Just because we don’t know what the compromise is right now – or if there’s a compromise – doesn’t mean we won’t find one. You’re the smartest, kindest, bravest woman I’ve ever met; and I’m not that terrible in my better moments.”

“Mags.”

“What I mean is, we make a pretty good team.”

They both pause and smile at their beginnings, and they lace their fingers together.

Maggie kisses Alex’s knuckles while Alex kisses Maggie’s, their eyes locked together.

“If anyone can figure this out, it’s you and me. We just need to communicate and be open. The whole way through. No assuming what the other wants or what the other needs, okay? I need to hear you and you need to hear me, and to do that, we need to talk. About everything. Okay?”

Alex nods with brimming tears.

“I want to marry you,” she whispers, and Maggie kisses her eyes.

“And I want to marry you,” Maggie smiles. “Forever.”

She rubs their noses together, and Alex giggles and returns the gesture.

“We’ll figure this out?” Alex needs to hear it again.

“We’ll figure this out,” Maggie assures.

They seal it with a kiss that contains their entire past and the multitude of their future. Together.