610. Chapter 610

It takes her a while to realize it.

It takes her a while – an a handful of full-blown panic attacks – to realize that her panic is about her own traumas, her own losses.

But also, her panic is about what she almost lost.

Who she almost lost.

Because she hasn’t had time to think about it.

To think about Alex.

Because Alex’s lungs filled with water – Kara’s fault, Kara’s fault, Kara’s fault – and then there was an invasion and then there was the fallout and then there were these… panic attacks.

Then there was this fear.

So it takes her a while to realize that it is about her pod, and it is about her planet.

But it’s also about Alex.

Because Kara is no longer the only Danvers sister to almost lose everything in a confined space with no way out.

Kara is no longer the only Danvers sister to almost drown in the silence, to almost break her fists trying in vain to get out, to feel something other than the nothingness, the impending death, the inevitable agony that will precede it.

And it’s all Kara’s fault.

It takes her a while to realize that, in her flashes of Psi-induced panic, she’s not the one completely trapped and alone in her pod.

It’s Alex.

She only realizes as Alex rushes to her, runs to her, drops to her knees to comfort her, to tell her she’s there, that she’s okay, as she can feel Alex’s body heat.

A horrible and blessed contrast to how frozen and clammy she had been when Kara had broken her out of that damned tank.

“It’s you in the pod, not me,” she weeps, her voice not nearly as broken as her spirit.

“Me?” Alex asks, her hand on Kara’s shoulder, her eyes glued to her face.

“I almost killed you. With Rick. I almost killed you, that was me.”

“No,” Alex tries to interrupt, but Kara isn’t having it.

“You almost died. When I saved those people when we were kids, he figured it out.”

“Kara – “

“And Maggie told me, she told me to take things slow, to think things through, but I just… and the water, all that water, and you – “

“Hey, hey, Kara, listen to me,” Alex tells her, her jaw slack with shock, with pain. “Look at me, hey.”

Kara’s face is scrunched from the tears, from the agony, and Alex fights to keep hers clear.

“Kara, look at me, okay? I’m here. I’m here, and none of what happened – none of it, do you hear me? – none of it was your fault. Okay? I promise. None of that was your fault. And Krypton wasn’t your fault. There’s no shame in surviving, Kara.” Alex’s voice cracks, and that, more than anything, eases Kara’s breathing. But not by much.

“But you – “ she tries to protest.

“I’m alive. I’m here. You saved me, remember? You saved me. You did that. I’m alive, because of you. You saved me.”

“I saved you?” Kara asks, her voice high, broken, destroyed, unhinged. Hopeful.

“Yeah,” Alex breathes, trying to smile for her little sister.

Kara closes her eyes, forcing herself to feel Alex’s presence. To hear her heartbeat. Forcing herself to breathe.

“Alex,” she chokes, because she needs Alex’s faith.

More than her suit. More than her cape.

She needs Alex’s faith more than anything.

And Alex knows. She always has, and she always will.

“Go get her,” Alex braces her, and Kara knows, now, that she can.