768. Chapter 768

It was the holidays, really, that did it.

Or, that’s what she said it was.

Really, she couldn’t figure out what the hell it was.

Because it wasn’t like there was anything actually wrong.

She had a girlfriend: like, a steady girlfriend, who loved her unconditionally, who didn’t judge her for her past mistakes, who didn’t pity her for her childhood. Who understood her job and respected her values and god, was incredibly, incredibly beautiful.

And, through said girlfriend, she had a family. For the first time in forever.

Nothing was wrong in Maggie Sawyer’s life.

Except… everything was wrong.

Everything.

She tried to think about work.

All that came to mind were cold cases she hadn’t been able to solve, and bodies in trunks and little mistakes here, big mistakes there.

Failures, all around.

She tried to think about her motorcycle.

It was on the cheaper end of things, but expensive to maintain, and did she really deserve to spend that kind of money on herself anyway, especially when she had access to cars through her job, so why was she being so selfish in treating herself to something like that?

She tried to think about Alex.

Who was just inevitably going to leave anyway.

No.

How could she think something like that about Alex? What a terrible girlfriend she was, thinking the worst of her amazing, dedicated, passionately-in-love-with-her girlfriend?

But the passion wouldn’t last.

She was Alex’s first, and Alex couldn’t be to blame when Maggie inevitably got boring, became stale, or just generally all around not enough.

She tried to think of the gym, of her early morning lifting dates with James or her late afternoon dates with a heavy bag at the gym across from the precinct.

She didn’t have the energy to even wrap her hands.

Worthless.

She tried to hide it, at first. When it first started.

Well, not started.

Began again.

Because she’d always been like this: had cycles. Cycles where she was alright (or thought she was alright, or could at least pass as alright), and then cycles where she was… decidedly not okay.

This was one of those decidedly-not-okay cycles.

She was self-harming again.

The worst part was the raging debates in her head – yelling, really, screaming, but just in her chest, just enough to make her heart feel like it was going to implode – about whether to tell Alex.

About whether she was just doing this for Alex’s attention anyway, and how selfish she was because Alex was always ready to give her attention, so why did she have to bring Alex pain to get it instead of just asking for it like a regular, healthy person?

She texted her girlfriend’s number with her cell in one hand and a razor in the other.

She heard her future sister-in-law break the sound barrier getting to her.

“Alex is on her way, Maggie. I couldn’t carry her that quickly, it wouldn’t be safe for her body. Can you open the door, please? Or, just knock on it so I know you’re okay in there?”

A long pause. She couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move her mouth. Didn’t want to open it.

There was no point, really.

Talking just made things worse.

Why had she even called Alex?

“Maggie?” Kara repeated, her voice somewhat Kara Danvers and somewhat Supergirl.

“You can literally hear my heartbeat, Kara. You know I’m alright in here.”

She heard Kara’s audible sigh of relief, and it sent a pool of unwanted relief through her own body.

She was ashamed how easy she was.

“Well, there’s more to being alright than just having your heart beating, Maggie,” Kara sighed, clearly leaning against the wall and sliding down, so they were back to back with only the bathroom door between them.

“I’ll just sit here until Alex gets here, okay?”

To her credit, Kara let the pause linger for a long time.

“Maggie?”

“Yeah. Okay, Supergirl.”

Sarcasm helped. Or, at least it used to. But she had no desire to hurt the woman on the other side of the door. So her words came out soft, and without any bite at all.

Despite herself, she knew Kara would understand.

They waited like that – she still had her cell phone and razor in her hands – until the front door opened with a muted bang.

She heard the sisters shuffling, heard Alex’s soft voice.

She didn’t know if she was grateful or irritated to not have superhearing at this moment.

She’d ruined both of their days.

She should have just ridden this out alone.

She should have just –

“Hey babe,” Alex’s voice came from where Kara’s had been a moment ago – on the floor just outside of the bathroom – and a chill went down Maggie’s spine, as though her body was reacting to Alex’s proximity.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, because it was the only thing that mattered.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Alex promised, and her voice so lacked any resentment, irritation, or impatience that Maggie… broke.

She threw the razor to the other side of the bathroom – and her phone along with it, but that was a problem for her future self – and reached up to unlock the door.

She didn’t have the strength to completely pull it open, but she curled herself against the cold tiles of the bathroom floor and shifted enough for Alex to be able to slip into the small room.

“I’m sorry,” she groaned, curling in on herself as Alex knelt over her, checking her body for the wounds she didn’t give herself; at least not on the outside.

“Shhhhh. I got you,” Alex murmured, and Maggie thought she heard the familiar patterns of Kara making pancakes in the kitchen.

She stayed on the bathroom floor for what felt like seconds and what felt like years.

It was like she was drunk at a college party.

It was like she was actually, this time, loved.

Alex didn’t get off the floor once while Maggie was curled up into herself.

She didn’t demand any explanations or tell Maggie how scared she was for her.

She just held her, and told her she loved her, and told her she was proud of her, and told her she was going to feel better than she was right now, and until she did, Alex would be there. She would always be there.

And, as the smell of pancakes and maple syrup filled their apartment, Maggie started to believe her.