Feelings betray

(Rorim's POV)

"What just happened?"

I lay flat on my bed, blinking, dumbfounded. I didn't know where to start with the sequence of events in my memory. That was the longest time I have been alone with someone for that long. Not to mention, the person I hated the most. For FIVE hours. It's not even a date. Did I just waste five hours of my precious time with Norman? Did I just allow all of that to happen? And how on Earth was I just relaxed? How did I do? That doesn't sit right now, does it? I was only going to sympathize right? You can't possibly feel anything else after knowing that his aunt had been in and out of the hospital. Sympathize not socialize! But for five hours?! What did I even stay there for? Dinner? Dinners should have lasted in minutes! Not one and a half hour! No. What the hell was I doing? This shouldn't happen again. This shouldn't—-

knock knock knock knock

"Rorim?"

I sat up, surprised. "Yeah?"

"You alright? You forgot to close your door, I thought you just fainted." Zen stayed on the doorway, face clear with worry.

"Don't worry, I don't randomly faint in my own room, no." I smirked and he shook his head, embarrassed. "Can you close the door for me? I'm just about to take a bath."

"Have you eaten already?"

I nodded, the taste of pizza still lingering in my throat.

"Okay." His hand pulled the knob of my door. "Oh by the way, what are the cats' names? Because I've been calling them randomly the whole day and they don't listen at all. We kind of gone silent after last night, you know?" Right. I was too stunned to even tell his their names.

"Apple Sauce and Caramel."

"And I'm guessing their collars are contextual?"

I smiled and he nodded in understanding. "Thank you for looking out for them, and for not asking me any questions about last night."

He smiled in turn. "Anything for you, Rorim. Sleep tight." Door finally closed.

I dropped to the bed again, sighing.

I need a bath.

Turning the faucet on, I filled my tub with lukewarm water. And while I waited, I decided to unpack my bag and brush my teeth. I recalled the folder Ms. Hipher handed earlier and pulled it out. Now that I felt a bit calmer, I supposed that I would feel less bothered when I read his work. What could he possibly have written about me?

With the tub filled, I dipped with the paper in my hand.

Reading won't hurt.

Leaning back, I held the paper up and started to read.

Five letters that could have stemmed from somewhere but all I can think of was 'mirror'. An anagram. A reflection. A memory. An image. That is Rorim. I could describe her facial features in great detail, and I could picture her face in my head once my eyes are closed. But if I was blind, like everyone else, I could only rely with my heart. And so, with sincerity, this is how I would describe her…

At first it was stable, both my emotions and the paper's contents. Until his words poured. And like my eyes that fought their tears, it was both pain and relief. His paper was nothing that I expected at all. How could his words wound me? Reading it, I could hear his voice. I could picture his lips move as each word was a sound of melancholic lullaby. And until I couldn't hold it any longer, with one blink, I allowed them to overflow. Who knew reading could, indeed, hurt?

Defeated, I watched the paper slowly sink, the inks fade and the water float away. His thoughts had become the water that my eyes endlessly gushed with.

Eyes flooded, I allowed myself to consider. Maybe Norman is worth forgiving in this life? Maybe I can just let him be in this life? Maybe he and I can be normal?

No.

Everything he did in the past, all the choices that led him to his actions, were all him. He did all that while unaware of who I was or forgot my being entirely (as everyone does). It felt excruciating to see words like these dwelt in his mind. That once upon a time after everything I have gone through, I had a glimpse of it and that he spoke of me with deep yearning. Like he has seen it ever since. Seen me. Recognized me. It's absurd and I was going insane.

I can only laugh. As pathetic as it sounds, maybe in another life this could've been a lovely love letter that I can swoon my evenings with. But I would only be a fervid fool if I allow it to tamper with the fate I will finally make for myself. His yearning was nothing but an nuisance compared to mine.

So that night, embraced with affliction, I cried silently to sleep.

———————————

If an hour-old me appeared out of nowhere and warned me not give the box to Gale, despite dubious, I would have listened.

Outside the first house next to the road, Gale held me tight and close, her arms around my waist, as my arms flailed and my feet kicked around. Eyes blurred, cheeks soaked, all caused by my tears. Without wiping them, I watched as the bird takers carried the box to their car, ignoring a wailing child on the side. How can someone I trusted so much betray me like this?

"NO! DON'T TAKE THEM! PLEASE! DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY!" My throat ached and my voice shook but all the more was my heart.

"Raven, they will take care of the rest of the eggs. You won't have to worry about them now. Those people are only doing their job." Ms. Hipher explained from behind, her voice a bit sympathetic.

"I DON'T CARE, I WANT THEM HERE! THEY BELONG HERE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO THEM! PUT THEM DOWN!"

From behind, I could hear Gale sniff. How dare she cry? How dare a traitor cry?

"Raven, please calm down. I promise you, they will be alright. I prom—"

"NO!" With all my strength, I elbowed her chest and she loosened her grip. "YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO ME! I TRUSTED YOU! BUT YOU GAVE THEM AWAY! HOW COULD YOU?!" I was already facing her, eyes watery and guilty. "I WILL NEVER BELIEVE EVERY WORD YOU SAY. NEVER. TRAITOR! I HATE YOU!"

Pushed her as hard as I could, I ran. I didn't want to see them. Not the bird takers. Not Ms. Hipher. Most of all, not Gale.

My feet brought me back to the storage room. Tired and defeated, I dropped to the floor, in front of the empty space where the eggs used to be. I couldn't explain how heavy my chest felt. Or how hot my eyes were. Or how empty and scared and distressed my mind was. I just cried until my eyes could no longer secrete tears. And even when it was empty, I whimpered until I couldn't anymore.

I didn't know how many hours passed in that dark, storage room. I just knew that I stayed there for a long time. Hours might have become days. Days probably turned into a week. I didn't care either way. Norman came along. And even if he was there, on his usual seat most of the time, I stayed quiet. Sometimes, in a silent cry. Sometimes, just awfully silent.

Norman mostly didn't speak either. He only brought food when it was time to eat and water from time to time. And I would eat but it would be left unfinished. I would sleep there too, mostly after wondering where the eggs were and were they all hatched and taken care of. Time has passed when Norman started sleeping there with me too. One time he brought two pillows and another blanket and laid them next to me. I didn't push him away when he helped me lie down. And ever since that day, his expression changed. No longer bright and warm, like when he first arrived. None of us spoke. Everything was purely made with silent understanding.

I decided one day that nothing would change if I stayed there. It was the first time, in a long time that I felt, that I stepped out of the room. It was dawn and cold and dark. I looked at the corridor, peeked at my old room and our playroom. Nothing much has changed. That was the painful part. It was as if nothing happened. How could they? It was only me who mourned. Because it was only me who cared. My loss.

I went back in the room and studied Norman. In his sleep, he looked gentle and pure, a picture that reminded me of that new hatchling I woke up to from that day. With a sad smile, I lied next to him and held his hand. This gesture woke him up, his eyes slightly opened in surprise.

"Norman." I croaked, as if speaking for the very first time.

"Raven." He murmured, pushing himself up but I stopped him.

"Stay down." I pulled him gently and he followed. Out of the blue, my eyes began to tear, which I wiped immediately and fought the rest.

"It's okay, you can cry." Norman wiped my eye gently with the other hand. "You don't have to be okay if you're not. I'm here for you."

With a whine, I broke. "I miss them." Norman scooted closer and rubbed my shoulder. He didn't speak, he just frowned and hummed, the one I used to hum to the eggs.

"I didn't even get to watch the rest hatch. They just took it from me." Choking on my tears, I inhaled. "I wanted to see them fly. I wanted to name them. I wanted to see them perch from their nest. I want—urgh. How can they take it all away from me?"

Tears started to roll from the corner of Norman's eye. This made me cry more. All those times that he stayed beside me and helped, I forgot that he also cared for them. He must have been sad all this time too. He must have cried in pain too, ached in betrayal too. I was too absorbed by my own feelings that I didn't think of him. I was not the only one. I was with him. We looked forward together. Searched together. Cared together. Promised together.

"I'm sorry." I held his hand tighter. If it wasn't for him, the eggs wouldn't have been with us at all.

"Why are you sorry?" He croaked, choking on his own tears.

"I'm sorry that I forgot about you. That you cared. I wasn't the only one who lost them. You were there too. I'm sorry that I left you alone."

Shaking his head, he joined his other hand on ours. "I'm sorry too."

Eyes on each other, we laughed and then cried some more. Until we felt calm.

"Thank you," I spoke again, our foreheads touched. "for never leaving."

"I could never. You promised me and I promise you more."

In silence, I realized that he's the only family I got left. Not my flock. Just he and I.

He smiled dismally. "Did you know what a group of ravens are called?"

I shook my head, curious.

"They're called unkindness." he breathed and his eyes watered. "Funny right?"

"Yeah…" What a coincidence.

He sniffed, sucking in his tears. "I wish they grow up okay. And that they'll fly to visit us, even though they have no memory here."

"I wish so too."

I closed my eyes to wish. Then I wished that wishes do come true.