Inhale...Exhale

A person full of psychological problems is prone to being surrounded by situations that alter their comfort zone, and for people like me, those who are full of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress in itself it is difficult to deal with stressful things, but when his safe zone is interrupted by unexpected situations, it is almost impossible to control himself, since in a few words he feels that his world is falling apart.

And my case is no exception...

I ran through the streets as fast as possible, I couldn't breathe and I felt that my legs weren't enough for me. My head was spinning and I felt that everyone was looking at me. It was so unbearable for me to feel the attention of people, I was always someone anxious and being about to have a panic attack drove me crazy, I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth with all my might. I couldn't see clearly, my vision clouded little by little and that made me more scared to the point of making me hide in an alley, right now the only thing that was clear to me was that I couldn't keep running in that state, I felt ready I was dying and I was sure no one would stop to support me 'they never did' I felt horrible heat, I was suffocating, what if I die now? I hit my chest in an attempt to get my breathing back to normal, but nothing seemed to want to work. I looked around looking for something to distract myself, but there was nothing, it was just a dirty place that was somehow reduced to the accelerated rhythm of my breathing, it was as if the walls were getting smaller and smaller, despite their great size. space.

Calm.

When something frustrating happened to you, you just have to remember to breathe.

Damn it doesn't work!

Inhale... 1...2...3...4

Hold your breath.

Exhale... 1...2...3...4

1...2...3...4...

I can't do it, those fucking exercises never worked for me!

Close your eyes, and keep breathing.

I opened my eyes slowly, they weighed me down and my head ached, I spent a few minutes in that same place, I still didn't want to leave, I didn't feel safe, I put my head between my legs and took a deep breath. Usually that worked for me and put my mind at ease.

But it didn't last for long.

When I decided that it was safe to go out, it was when I was already a little calm, I walked with my head down, I could still feel the eyes of the people, there were only a few steps left to reach my safe place.

I knocked on the door, and no one answered. She felt that at any moment she would burst into tears and she hated the feeling. I didn't want to be seen as a mess, the last thing I wanted was for more people to discover how disastrous my life was, so I had given up, it was already a habit to give up so quickly so I just opted to go straight home. I walked down the hall with my head down and a bit sleepy, but was stopped by the sound of the door opening. I turned and ran quickly, I didn't wait for her to speak and entered immediately, I could only see a surprised girl in the distance.

-Oh hello? Come in.

'I-I... I have to talk to you.' I walked from one side to the other. My voice sounded unsteady.

—Ok... First take a seat, you must breathe, calm down first and we'll talk. In agreement?

—I-I can't... I-I had a panic attack and I feel like I'm going crazy, if it wasn't for the exercises you taught me I'm sure I would have died. I-I... Alice p-please. I felt like the air was leaving my lungs.

'Have a seat, and take this.' He handed me a pill and a glass of water.

'T-thank you,' I took a seat and waited for it to take effect.

Although my breathing became normal and my chest no longer felt tight, the dizziness continued so I just felt the need to go to sleep.

-Okay. I see you much better, now yes. You can talk. She looked at me and I nodded.

"I, I think… It's happening again. I looked at her and she looked confused. -The hallucinations returned.

—Oh... I see why you had the panic attack, but, Andy, that can't be since you take the medication to avoid them. You take them right? -I ask

-Nope? I thought I should stop doing it when you're down. I haven't taken them in a long time.

—Andy, you come to therapy every day because you suffer from (PTSD) Post traumatic stress disorder and along with that, anxiety and depression. That's why you should take your medications, no matter if you think you're fine already. I decide that. You understand? I'll prescribe new medications, the others you can throw away. Maybe they didn't work, so take it. She handed me a note with the names of the new medications. -So, tell me, what was the hallucination about?

"I'm not sure if it was a hallucination or not. The truth is that it looked so real, I know my mind can play with me, but this time it was very believable. The subject looked so real, I couldn't touch it. But I remember thinking that was really weird, since he kept smiling at me. I remember his voice, because it was very pretty, and he was also very polite. Do you think it was real? -somehow I wanted it to be. 'Was that okay?'

I just wanted something real in my life. I needed you to tell me yes, yes it is.

Because I couldn't stand having these crises anymore, it was horrible having to live them in the moments that I wanted to be normal. Worst of all, they often happen in front of people who don't know what's wrong with me.

—It is understandable that you have these confusions, because the hallucinations are very strong. They can seem so real to the point that you don't know if it's true or just a product of your mind. But Andy... they are just that, they are hallucinations, so rest assured, once you have taken the new medications as prescribed, everything will be fine, yes. Maybe the aftermath will be a little stronger, and if I find out that you suspended them just because you felt better. I will take extreme measures, and you will begin to receive a different treatment, do you understand?

'You remind me so much of my mother.' I smiled instinctively. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have compared her to someone dead.' –Maybe I needed to start measuring my words.

Should...

"It doesn't bother me. and I tell you this not only because you are important to me, but also as your doctor. Now you should go home and rest, luckily tomorrow you have the day off, so I'll wait for you here as usual.

'Yeah... I'm sorry I didn't make it to today's session, it's just that I didn't feel ready to talk.' I promise to let you know when I'm missing.

'Okay, I'd appreciate it if you would.' Goodbye Andy. I nodded and left the place quietly this time.

I have known Alice since she was 15 years old, because I was orphaned, I went to a foster home where fortunately I did not last long since Mrs. Edwards took me in her home. The only thing they both know is that I come from a place where I was severely traumatized, the police found me and I was the only survivor, at first they believed that I was the murderer of multiple victims, which sounded ridiculous to the aforementioned , the truth is that my family sacrificed for me. Oh that's what they make me believe, they say it's not my fault... but I don't think like that, I'm the only person who knows what really happened, no one can judge me as much as I do.

They can not...

For months, I couldn't utter a single word.

I couldn't even go out in the garden, I couldn't live with anyone.

At that point my attitude was worrying, so they decided to commit me to a psychiatric hospital. At the time I thought: Great, I knew this new family would not last at all! Yes I was wrong, I remember that I only lasted a few weeks as the psychiatrist there was very good, the only reason I left was because I got better in just a few days, so they only recommended a new psychiatrist to treat me and they told me that I would have to attend therapy every day, if I did not want to return to that place.

That's how I met Alice, a girl about my age who specializes in studying and treating mental illness.

And of course helping a person like me was quite a challenge.

As for Mrs. Edwards, once I got out of that horrible psychiatric hospital, I started to get more familiar with her and her husband, they were already a great couple when I met them, when I had them in front of me they told me to see them as my grandparents, and so I did. Although deep down I knew that they were nothing to me, only my legal guardians, I believed that everything would be arranged, I had a family again, I lived comfortably, I even thought I could be happy again.

Until the nightmares started, and everything was ruined.