Real or not?

When I was just a kid I traveled from South Korea to Los Angeles... and after that, nothing changed because I was going from one place to another, just like in a routine.

From my house to therapy...

From therapy to work...

And so every day.

'Ok... this is really weird, you Andy Lee coming to work early.' Wow, this is truly a miracle, the blonde laughed outrageously.

I rubbed my face in annoyance and laziness and walked inside the premises.

—It's not a big deal, I just didn't have to attend to personal matters today, so... I decided to arrive early. I replied without much desire to continue the conversation.

Which was partly true, but this one she shouldn't know, and she didn't have to either.

The truth is that I had woken up as usual, because of other of my nightmares, but this time it was different since I didn't do my usual routine, (I didn't attend therapy) I was really bored with the same thing, I was exhausted and very sleepy so I just decided not to go and work longer than usual, although that will mean having to put up with my obnoxious partner.

Just thinking that I have to put up with her yelling and complaining stresses me out and makes me regret coming earlier. Please! As if I didn't have enough with my own problems.

—And to all this… is it very, very personal the reason why you are always late? I mean, maybe it's not like that and you're just the boss's favourite, maybe that's why you take extra hours off. -I rolled my eyes.

'How why would I have to explain to him what I always do? The boss knows the reasons, and it was really hard for me to tell her, because it really is a very personal matter that very few know and because of people like these, I prefer to avoid talking too much. What a bummer of a person.'

—As I told you, it's just some 'personal problems' discussions and so on. I made to leave to end the conversation.

—Oh friend, I really understand you, it's hateful how parents get involved in everything, and claim you for anything. My mother, for example, is very obnoxious, she always gets into my life and calls me out for everything, it's annoying. 'Ash' —'I perfectly understand her poor mother, what a nuisance of a person'

-Yes, I know. I didn't say any more, I just looked at my phone which wouldn't stop ringing.

—Well... it seems that you always have personal problems, your phone has been ringing for hours and all I see is that you look at it and don't answer. You're in a real mess my friend... –I laugh shamelessly –And if you don't mind covering me up, I'll go smoke a cigarette, I'll be back in a bit. I nodded and could finally breathe easy.

Having to listen to her was like adding one more nightmare to my list, in itself it caused me a lot of anxiety and not knowing how to control it perfectly only made me feel worse.

I picked up the phone again, and thought about whether or not to answer, agreed to do so and answered, Mrs. Edwards a very nice person, she could be heard on the other end of the line. She really did sound concerned. I started questioning myself, blaming myself, cursing myself and every second I felt like the worst person for making her feel bad, I didn't know why I had reacted like that to the point of ignoring her, after everything she did for me.

'Oh, hello, Mrs. Edwards.' I swallowed thickly, trying to speak calmly.

-Honey, are you ok? Oh my god, why didn't you answer? You had me very worried, I thought something bad had happened to you, I imagined the worst. I began to regret having answered.

—Yes I know… I didn't want to worry her, it's that my alarm clock went crazy this morning and I got up late, even that's why I didn't attend today's session. I'm really sorry I couldn't reply as I'm on work hours. —A white lie does no harm to anyone.

Mrs. Edwards sounded calmer, so I was able to calm my racing heart.

'Okay honey, next time just remember to talk to me and tell Alice if you're not going to attend her therapy, if you're not going to waste her time, she works really hard so you're not responsible.' You understand? she -she sounded calm, but angry...

Alice messing around with me?

'You are not responsible' Am I not? Am I a complete basket case?

I am.

I make other people waste her time.

I am guilty that many suffer.

They suffer because of me.

It was my fault.

My fault...

—I wiped my face with some anger and frustration —I adored Mrs. Edwards, because she was the only person who took care of me and gave me support since I can remember, but sometimes her words hurt more than a blow, she doesn't know anything about me past, so it's understandable that a broken guy like me can bear it, it's just that sometimes I can't bear those words coming from someone precious to me.

If she only knew what I did, she wouldn't even want to be by my side.

—Yes... and I apologize, I'll talk to Alice later, I have to go, a client arrived. Take care, Mrs. Edwards. I said trying not to break down in the middle of the call.

Cut the call before I could say anything since I had lied to not continue the call, I hated when my emotions dominated me, and I hated it even more because it made me look weak, the simple fact of thinking about it makes me despise myself more.

She hated the tears that kept coming out.

I wiped my face roughly, as a new customer I didn't hear was standing in front of me.

'Oh sorry, I didn't see it. What would you like to order?

'Uh...ah, yes I'd like to order a tall glass of banana milk and a vanilla muffin.' Please. I nodded, looking down so I could write down his request.

I looked up at the guy in front of me and he was still looking at me, still smiling.

'Well... In whose name?'

'Huh?'

-The request? His name from him? I looked at him seriously and he nodded.

'Oh, sorry, I'm Jake, Jake Collins.' I noticed that he held out his hand to say hello, but I just ignored him.

I have no intention of being his friend, if that's what I thought.

'Okay, so it would be $2. He handed me a card, I charged him and handed it to him immediately, trying not to make eye contact.

—As soon as his order is ready, I'll leave it for you, please take a seat. Thank you! I forced a smile.

I turned, to continue with my work.

I couldn't help but thoughts of that guy filling my mind, he really was a strange person, 'What a lousy day.'

Now my only problem was the fact that I had no idea how to prepare such banana milk, but after a while I managed to prepare the banana milk next to the Muffin, I just had to take them to that guy's table.

I took short steps, when my companion's nosy blonde arrived. Good...

'It's good that you're here.' —I looked surprised —At table 5 eh… —I read the piece of paper of the order. 'Jake Collins, a tall glass of banana milk and a muffin, go deliver them, I have to get back to the register.' I handed him the things and he calmly returned to the box.

But this one interrupted me.

'Table 5?' No one. I think it's been empty for a while, aren't you wrong?

Empty? No.... I'm pretty sure he was there, that was his table. He was there just as he was going to deliver his order. When did he leave? I was thinking deeply, I was sure that he would have a panic attack at any moment, it was real right? It was…it had to be, he really did look real, I just couldn't have imagined it.

It can't be happening again.

My mind plays with me again.

The hallucinations are coming back...

-I'm sorry I have to go.