Overcoming

Day after day repeating the same nightmares. It's as if I'm trapped inside a loop....

And it's true, I may never get out of it.

-How was it this time? -asked the woman in front of me.

-If you're trying to find out if my nightmares have diminished? Well, I would say, on the contrary, because every morning I wake up it's even worse. -I smiled ironically.

The truth was that I didn't feel like going on with the conversation anymore...

NO!

I stopped being interested in many things a long time ago, and the fact of being present in one more session was simply an obligation.

That's all...

-Well... it was to be expected that these nightmares are a product of your emotions and you know well the reason why the nightmares keep coming every night. But don't worry, everyone handles their emotions in the way that is easiest for them. And with everything you've been through, I know it's not easy to tell a stranger about your feelings. -I rolled my eyes.

-It's true, I don't know her and I have no intention of doing so, she's a complete stranger to me, and I hope she's very clear that I only come here because Mrs. Edwards says it's for my own good, plus she prescribes me very good sleeping pills.

-They are anxiolytics, not sleeping pills, but it is clear that it is common that they give you fatigue and above all make you drowsy... and I hope you are clear that it is my duty as a psychiatrist to support you and help you until you are ready and take the first steps on your own.

-I still don't understand how you continue to support me even though we have been in the same place for 7 years now, every day I come to this place because I keep thinking that one day I will be able to stop having these nightmares that torment me and ruin my life, but no matter how much patience you have with me, for me it is more than desperate not to be able to get out what is in my mind. Do you have any idea how painful it is for me? Just repeating over and over again the same nightmare and having to relive the same thing every night is horrible, it is like having a curse that does not let me go on and as time goes by I am beginning to believe that I will never get out of this dark tunnel. I fear that I will be stuck in my horrible nightmares. I'm really afraid of going completely dark, and that the fear will one day consume me, I don't want those nightmares to come to light because I'm scared that it will happen again, and that everything will be ruined just like that night. They all died because of me. -I said with the last sigh that came out of me.

I was fed up, I couldn't take it anymore, now the only thing I wanted was to go home and take hundreds of sleeping pills, this time deeply...

Suicidal thoughts...

Would it be okay to say something to her?

No!

Ultimately, no, the only thing it would cause would be more therapy sessions, and more exercises that don't work for me.

-Fear... Sure that was, always has been, your mind is full of thoughts that only reduce you to fear. Only you see it that way, maybe you say that all these 7 years have not helped, but I think you are wrong, I have always told you everything is about having patience and leaving it to time, look at you now! -He pointed at me. -You have come a long way, you have come a long way Andy, and I know that you will overcome everything that has been tormenting you, because you are strong and you have not let anything bring you down, you keep going and even though you say that you come to therapy because Mrs. Edwards tells you to, I know that deep down you do it because you want that change to happen.

I wiped my face roughly, the tears had no intention of stopping, I didn't even realize when they started to come. I stood up suddenly and looked at the hourglass on the coffee table.

-Well... my time is up. -I said this in a way that the woman understood. -I have to go to work, and I'd better hurry if I don't want to get fired. Goodbye... and thank you for listening to me. -I said this last in a light whisper.

I felt some warmth.

Calm...

My body was relieved to have brought out some of what I had been carrying inside all these years.

But...

At the end of the day, there was always a "but."

Because nothing went right in my life, not since that fateful accident...

Where I lost all trace of happiness and peace of mind.

[I slowly walked out of the office]

A traumatized person might look fine on the outside. But inside their mind is where the mess is, and my mess haunts me whenever I close my eyes.