Jake Collins

Saturday 09/30/2020

Today Saturday would be celebrating 3 weeks in which my friendship with Andy became great and important.

And that was my purpose.

It was really incredible the rapid process in which we met, at first I thought that after giving him the scare of life he would just disappear and be everything, but apparently I was wrong and I'm glad I did.

It is as if we had created a bond that we know will never be broken, because we can understand each other, it is not necessary to tell each other exactly our problems of the day, because with just a look and a laugh we can know what is happening to us.

It's great how my world changed so fast.

I had ideas, and many negatives.

I imagined various scenarios where I was living a happy life, and starting a new friendship with someone who understands me.

I began to come to the cafeteria more frequently, and boy, did I begin to be the center of attention, I thought that the fact that many people approached me to talk to me was out of respect, but that changed when I realized that it was only out of interest.

Or because they thought he was a celebrity.

And well, I don't judge them. Who would waste an opportunity to meet someone "famous"

But for me... If it was difficult, and I couldn't go around telling anyone.

Having people around me was completely uncomfortable and something very unbearable, it is a situation that I still have not completely overcome, a strong trauma that caused me to have an irrational fear of people.

Everything comes from something.

Everything happens for something and leads to something.

And my case is to fear people who did nothing to me.

Which is why they called me crazy, even from the beginning I was always affected by being criticized by others. But now that fear became stronger, I wanted help and I couldn't get it because I was easily scared.

Ironic right?

An adult was afraid of people.

Every time I went out, I walked with my head down, I didn't want to look at the people around me, I didn't want to see their expressions, I couldn't even walk a few inches because I felt my world falling.

But when he was younger, he was a normal guy.

Normal...

Happy with an imperfect and dysfunctional family.

But there was one person, someone specific...

She ruined me, she made me who I am, she made me fearful and cowardly.

If I told the story of my life, it would never end, but we don't need to expand if we can summarize...

My mother was a woman who was out of her mind, I knew it and always knew it, she repeatedly tried to kill me, but luckily my father Matthew Collins always came to the "rescue" and that's why I hated him for a long time because he only stopped, and until then, he never did anything, never helped her, much less allowed her to receive support. I remembered every attempt of my mother Janet Collins perfectly, I remember her words.

She said: You are my baby, and I will never let anything happen to you, so it is better that I do something fast, before someone else hurts you. Don't worry honey, I'll be with you soon.

I experienced strong traumas since I was little, I was only 8 years old, but I managed to understand everything. My father never defended me from those abuses, he simply rewarded my sadness with luxurious things, and obviously he accepted them, that was the only way he could take away my fear for a few minutes, he always promised me that everything would end quickly and that I would be fine, but they were nothing more than simple promises, history repeated itself over and over again; So much so that I couldn't even sleep without having nightmares, I couldn't even turn off the light.

Because of my mother's horrific screams at night.

I always wanted everything to be a simple dream, I wanted to wake up.

I wanted to open my eyes and see that everything was the product of a nightmare, I wanted to hug my mother and father and tell them everything that happened so that they would tell me: Everything is fine, it was just a nightmare.

But they were just stupid dreams, I lived in fear all my life, I lived in fear of being surrounded by people and that they do something to me, and all because of my terrible childhood.

Over the years, I did not overcome my traumas, but I learned to live with them, at 17 years old I left home and decided to live on my own, I still kept in touch with my parents, but I did not allow them to get close to me.

Many times my psychiatrist recommended that I go back alone to resolve the matter with the family, he gave me the advice to talk to them face to face, vent and tell them all the damage they did to me.

She told me: You have to face reality, I understand your fear, but you will not be able to move forward if you do not close with your past.

So I made up my mind. I was right, I needed to continue and for that I had to leave my past behind.

And then the day came when I would finally talk to them, I wasn't entirely sure, but I didn't have another, only then would I be able to heal that part of my wound, I remember that I contacted my father and he was heard more than happy, I guess he thought he was planning to go back with them,

or they would simply reproach me for having left.

Whatever it was, I was determined and so I got to the worst day of my life.

People everywhere playing and laughing, children and adults screaming with happiness, ran because of the excitement of their day. They encouraged me to join, to relax and let me go. Which made me so angry, All this time this was their plan, they chose the direction of the meeting, they knew it would be difficult for me to speak, if I was surrounded by people, so they took my weak point, I felt harassed, full of anger and my anxiety grew to no avail, I felt the people around me watching me. They looked at me with disgust, with pity. And it was driving me crazy.

I started to walk as fast as possible, I was determined, I would run away and this time I would not talk to them again, in the background I could only hear how my Mother yelled at me that she would wait, that everything would be solved.

I didn't want to listen to her, I didn't want to be close to her, the truth was that I had no intention of fixing things with that woman, I just wanted to see my father, I was so foolish to believe that he had changed, that I finally understood the damage he had done to me. they did and that he chose me and not that woman. But no, I knew when I looked at him and he looked away, he just stepped away to leave me alone with my worst nightmare.

I walked and surrounded without seeing where I was going, my only intention was to flee from that place and avoid being touched by that person. I wanted to cry, I felt the endless situation, each time I moved forward, for me it was like going back a little more, so I wished that the people around me would disappear, that everyone would stop talking, I wished that I was the only person in that place, I also wanted to see my Mother dead.

And boy, wishing someone dead is wrong, and it's even worse if that someone is your mother.

I did not know more, I only heard more noise, only this time they were different, they were screams of fear and crying, I assumed that something had happened.

And I managed to understand everything when I saw the person I hate the most in my life, lying on the ground next to a huge pool of blood.

That was when I understood what had happened.

And I felt bad, for feeling good after a long suffering, I could finally breathe easy.

But something inside me told me that nothing was right.

I don't remember more.

I only knew that I had a panic attack, I remember thinking that I was going to die. And after I found out what happened I wished I was. I learned that he had been the only survivor of multiple victims and my parents were part of that massacre.

Over the years, I managed to regain some of my emotional stability, but memories of the incident came and went, even memories that didn't feel like they belonged to me, I came of age, and at 21 I started taking over the company of my father.

I inherited the family fortune and only then could I survive being alone.

I knew that loneliness was not for me because I became so obsessed with what happened years ago, that I isolated myself from the world because something in me wouldn't leave me alone. I felt that need to look for something, I still didn't know what it was, but there was something and I didn't know it.

Until I saw it.

I saw him. Andy Lee.