Chapter ４

With a sigh, I also say, "Amsterdam." Twenty-two. I went bar hopping with a group of strangers I'd just met, and after a few beers, someone was dosed. I don't think David was even there. After drinking heavily with the people I had just proclaimed to be my new closest friends, I don't recall much of anything. I came to as David was keeping my hair away from my face as I threw up on the bathroom floor. It was the only time he remained to do more than simply see me off to an aircraft home. He was quite kind to me.

For a very long time, he has provided for me, but not in the traditional sense of a guardian.

I make myself look at him. I was a train disaster for far too long, but I'm over it now. Since I was 22, I've come a long way, but I still have a lifetime of work ahead of me. I'm putting in my time at the therapist, trying to sort out the issues I've been avoiding for far too long.

Then why are we here tonight?

My therapist-sounding small voice is ignored. The last Chapter closes tonight. I'm closing the Chapter on this Chapter of my life and starting a new one in the future. And…maybe… Perhaps I still have an adventurous side, since I desire this. Knowing that I shouldn't have it makes me desire it even more. That's not the canal district in Amsterdam. What a miserable birthday.

David approaches up close, his black eyes penetrating my. "How about some recent birthdays, Anna?

I give a little flinch. In all honesty, you have a valid concern. Instinctively, I want to avoid the situation, but that would be unfair to both of us. On the contrary, I slowly exhale and straighten up. If not, I'm crossing my fingers that this is the one.

David looks at me intently while sipping his scotch. He starts to jolt slightly. For a split second, he stops seeming a walking storm cloud and more like a real person. Caol Ila, as seen here.

The heaviness in my chest and throat has returned. Even though it hurts, it feels fantastic, and that paradoxical quality improves the situation. A person who has never experienced the pain of loss cannot fully appreciate happiness. I'll never understand. No one ever gave me the chance to find out. “Mmhmm.” My mouth quivers slightly when I grin. To be "Pop's pick."

“Yeah.” Even a little grin plays on his lips. "Yeah, it was the case." Once again I find myself puzzling about how this guy got to be my protector. I realize that they bonded through their time in the military, but should it really be the deciding factor in who gets custody of a kid if anything happens to both parents? What about my peacenik mom? I find it hard to believe that Mom approved of this, particularly because David was never there, but she must have since we're here now.

We both savor the last sips of our drinks in quiet, and then he clinks his glass on the table. Okay, let's get going.

“Pass.” To signal the bartender, I raise my hand, but David immediately seizes it in a grasp from which I can't free myself. And it's not like I'm planning an exit strategy. Likewise, though, giving up too readily is not an option. I look at the spot he's holding me in. It's time to ask, "David, what time is it?"

He keeps checking his watch and won't let go of me. “Twelve-fifteen.”

To put it simply, I am happy. This time around, it really does. Absolutely genuine. As a result, you are no longer in charge of my trust money. To myself: "Happy Birthday!" Now is the moment to be brave and lay it all on the line. Whatever the outcome, I won't be looking back with regret. I hush and lean in closer to the person. To paraphrase, "Do you know what I want for my birthday?"

“What?” Worried, he asks the question.

“You.”

David releases me swiftly. Inquisitively, I examine my wrist. I don't think he was holding me very tightly, but I'm quite sure I can feel his five fingers and palm imprinted on my flesh. He gives my empty glass the evil eye. We need to know, "How much have you been drinking?"

This was a question I was expecting, so even though I was nervous, I handled myself with grace. That's the only one," they said. Sincerity dictates that I may have benefited from a larger dose of this bravery enhancer. And I'm not even buzzed!"

Was that scumbag trying to drug you? When he tries to turn toward the three guys huddled in the corner, I put my hand on his forearm to stop him. The man is as hefty here as he is everywhere else on his physique. David is a large man, and a sneaky part of my brain can't help but wonder whether he's just as thick over there.

I feel dizzy from the excitement of touching him. My hand resting on his forearm is just a token gesture, yet it heralds the beginning of something wonderful. Instead, I hope against hope that this is just the beginning of something wonderful. Do you really think it's impossible for me to be sober and still desire you?

"Yes," he replies after a brief pause.

“David” It's my time to sound a note of condemnation now. Seriously, who could look at this dude and not desire him? While it's true that he isn't quite ripped and exudes a sour disposition, one must remember that there is more to this world than just a beach body and a good mood. He commands attention everywhere he goes. And yet, even if none of it were to matter, he still wouldn't be able to deny the fact that I desire him. Even though I was smashed last year, I recall every detail.

His jaw tightens and his cheeks become a pale pink. It was the slightest of responses, but it was as clear as glitter that I had an effect on him as well. I really should have intervened.

Even though remembering it causes me as much shame as it does want, I'm so relieved he didn't. However, you failed to. I try to speak gently. "I can't possibly have imagined the intensity of your surveillance. You can't claim that your motive was only precautionary.

A refrain of "I should have stopped you" emerges from his mouth.