Twenty-two

Lately, Yibo has done nothing but sleep and go to the prison but last night was the opposite. He got no sleep at all due to his mind racing and racing.

Tomorrow was the day. The day Zhan was going to be gone forever. The day he had been dreading since the moment he found out Zhan was on death row.

He thought all he'd be feeling is sadness and hurt. He thought the weight that had been holding him down for so long would finally be too much to bear. That he physically and mentally wouldn't be able to do it.

That's not how it is, though. Instead it's the opposite. He just doesn't feel anything.

He's numb. Maybe it's a coping mechanism or a way for his mind and body to just avoid it all together but either way, Yibo doesn't like it.

Of course he's still sad, that hasn't gone away. He's cried and cried but it's almost as if his mind has just gone blank. Like it just stopped processing the situation and has decided to just let his body do what it needed to do.

After every time he had cried, Yibo just went into some sort of zombie mode where his mind was just shut off. Where everything he did was mechanical. He never did anything he didn't have to. Unless it was to get food, a drink, or go to the bathroom, he spent his time laying in bed.

That's all he wanted to do. The idea of living life just wasn't appealing in the slightest. He knew from the beginning that the time would come when he felt this way but he truly didn't expect it to be this bad.

He wonders, what will it be like five years from now? Will he get over Zhan? Will he be living his life happily and productively? Or will he never come back from this? It scares him that he doesn't know.

He used to be so sure that he could pull himself out of anything and now that he's not, he almost feels as if he's failed in some way. He's failed at becoming as strong as he wanted to be. He feels like he had been lying to himself the whole time.

As he grabbed a few things to head to the prison for the last time to see Zhan before the execution date, Yibo couldn't help but break into tears. It felt so wrong. So wrong that time was actually up.

Mr. Lee picked him up as he did yesterday, since Mr. Han is ill, so Yibo tried his best to gather himself before he got there. It didn't go as well as he would have liked it to considering the time Mr. Lee pulled in, Yibo's eyes were still red and puffy.

"Hi bud," Mr. Lee says as soon as he opens the car door.

Yibo doesn't respond, he just gets in and buckles, barely being able to breathe right let alone form a sentence.

"You don't have to talk, I know today isn't a good day for you but I wanted to let you know that I convinced the people in charge of counseling meetings that Zhan needed extra time today so you have three hours instead of one hour 30 minutes."

At this, Yibo begins to cry again. He was thankful for what Mr. Lee had done, he just hated the fact that three hours was all they had. It was the last time they'd have a normal day together. Or at least what normal was for them.

By the time they had made it to prison, Yibo had done the best he could to stop crying. He knew that as soon as he saw Zhan, he would start up again so he wasn't even trying to control that. He just wanted to at least get past security.

After setting their belongings down Mr. Lee said a quick goodbye before Yibo was out the door and on his way to Zhan. He wasn't quite sure how they had been allowed to keep meeting there but he wasn't going to ask questions.

Once Yibo was in eyesight of the visitors room, he could see that the door was cracked so when he got to it, he just lightly tapped his knuckles on the door.

As soon as Zhan opened it, the tears started to fall down Yibo's cheeks but the difference this time, from the last, is that there were already some damping Zhan's skin as well.

The two wasted not a single second in hugging each other as tight as humanly possible. So tight it almost hurt, but Yibo didn't care. He wanted to be held tighter, really.

Neither said anything for a few moments, just quietly hugging as Yibo sobbed and Zhan sniffled. It was a sad moment, one that Yibo wished he never had to live. One he wished Zhan never had to live either.

"I don't know what to do," Yibo finally manages to say.

"I don't either, I wish I did."

"Aren't you scared?" Yibo asks, pulling away from Zhan's shoulder just a bit, enough to look him in the eyes.

The whites of Zhan's eyes were tinted with red and his cheeks were as well. His skin was a bit damp from the tears and so were his eye lashes. "I'm terrified," Zhan says. "I don't think my brain can physically process that this is my last day."

Yibo's heart shatters at the words Zhan says. It felt like it was his last day too. His last day to be happy, his last day to smile, or to be held by the person he loved more than anything.

"Zhan ge, I know we've talked about it, I know you think I can, but I'm not sure if I can pull through."

Zhan pulls Yibo back into his chest, squeezing him tight. "You can, and you will. I'll still be with you, remember, when you look up to the sky, the first star you see will be me. Every night. And even though you can't see me during the day or even when it's cloudy, I'll be there. I'll always be there," Zhan says.

"Yeah...I just wish I could hold the star or something."

"Actually, I do have something for you," Zhan says.

Yibo once again pulls away from the hug with a questioning look. "You do?"

Zhan nods and releases Yibo, waking over to the bed and reaching under it to pull out a stuffed lion. "I know it's not anything too special, but I used the rest of my commissary to get it."

"Zhan ge, I love it," Yibo says, gratefully accepting the lion and squeezing it. It was something he could hold.

"Yeah? I mean, I figured if I can't give you a ring someday, I might as well give you a lion."

Yibo cracks a smile at what Zhan says. The first smile he's had in a while. It felt good.

"I think it's even better than a ring. I'll be sleeping with this for the rest of my life, thank you."

Zhan also smiles and gives a gentle nod. "Now come here so we can cuddle forever."

Yibo happily does as told, joining Zhan in bed and laying as close as he possibly can. He takes in everything from the way Zhan smells, the way his chest rises and falls in sync with his breathing. He tries his best not to let himself think too hard about how it was the last time.

He couldn't just stop thinking about it, that just wasn't gonna happen no matter how hard he tried. Even putting it to the side was impossible, so Yibo just accepted it. He just let himself know that it was the last time that they'd ever get to do this. To cuddle.

He didn't cry though. It hurt like hell, but he didn't cry. Somehow everything just went numb and all he was focused on was Zhan's breathing.

It was shallow and uneven, as if he was having trouble staying calm. Yibo could tell that he was emotional.

"You don't have to try and be strong, you know," Yibo says to Zhan, quietly.

Zhan takes a moment to respond, and when he does his voice is weak. "I feel like I have to though. I feel like it's the only way I can do it."

Yibo tilts his head up to Zhan and makes eye contact. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Zhan says, with his arms tightly wrapped around Yibo. "I guess I just mean like for myself. I have to stay calm and ignore everything otherwise I'll freak out."

"Oh."

Yibo understood. He couldn't imagine the thoughts that had to be going through Zhan's head. How hard it must be to have to deal with them and to be able to keep sane.

He's thought about what it would be like in Zhan's place. He's thought about how he has no family, how his childhood was taken away from him, and how he would be dying so young. How he would have to face death itself.

That on its own was terrifying just to think about. It's not even that it's because Zhan's so young, but more so because he knows what's going to happen. He's going to have to walk to the execution room, knowing he only has minutes left. He'll have to get on the chair that would break beneath him, letting him drop to his death. Aware of it all.

Yibo blinks his eyes and realizes that he's crying again. He didn't know if it was because he was going to miss Zhan, or if it was because he felt bad for him. Both, probably.

"I just don't want you to go," Yibo says, barely being able to get the words out.

He had said it a thousand times. That he didn't want Zhan to go. There wasn't anything else to say, though. Nothing else to do. Their situation wasn't changeable and Yibo had to say it because he couldn't just sit and not do anything. He couldn't let the universe think he had accepted what was going to happen. He wanted it to be clear that he was still resisting it.

"I don't want to leave you," Zhan says back.