Twenty-three

The day came as if the last grain of sand finally fell into the growing pile at the bottom of the hourglass. The countdown was over and today was the day. The dreaded day.

Yibo didn't sleep, of course, he didn't. He tried, he really did but it was useless. After he left the prison the day before, nothing felt right. Everything has been off for a while, but it was especially uneasy then.

The whole time Yibo was with Zhan, he was trying so hard to be in the moment and to be present but after he left, it felt like he wasn't even there in the first place. The ride home was like someone had tied one end of a string to his heart, and the other to Zhan's and it just kept getting tighter and tighter.

Today it will finally snap.

Getting ready to go to prison to see Zhan one last time before he was executed was excruciatingly hard. He could barely move without wanting to cry. Everything hurt, physically and emotionally.

This was all so wrong. So so wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen and Yibo knew it. He knew Zhan wasn't supposed to be in this situation and he knew the universe fucked up. It didn't even make sense.

It was just one big sad story and Yibo never really was a fan of tragedies, but it seemed that whoever was writing their story, certainly was. Fuck them. Whatever forces decided that this is how things were supposed to end. Fuck them. Fuck it all.

Yibo was sad, devastated really, but mostly, he was just angry. Angry at how things played out. Angry that he didn't tell Zhan he loved him sooner so they could be together longer. Angry that the charges and punishments were what they are in the first place. He was just...angry.

Every bone in his body felt on fire as he thought about how messed up it all was. How unfair and unjust. It all was just one giant mess that Zhan and Yibo were right in the middle of. A mess that just kept getting bigger no matter how hard anyone would try to clean it up.

The whole ride to the prison was miserable. Of course it was. Even though Yibo would get to see Zhan for an hour or so before they had to leave and come back for the actual execution, it still felt like he was on his way to the end. Whatever that even meant.

It almost felt as if he had disassociated from reality by the time they arrived. As if all the emotions he felt had been so much to bear, his mind just decided it couldn't do it anymore and stopped feeling them.

That wasn't quite the case though, Yibo could still feel the sadness that was so strong there were no words that could explain it, and the anger that had been inside him for a while now from how much he truly despised the justice system for failing Zhan. There was still the physical pain as well.

His head hurt, his stomach hurt, his eyes burned from how much he had been crying lately and most of all, the knot in his stomach seemed to become bigger and tighter the closer they walked to the prison.

Yibo didn't even know how he was managing to do it in the first place, to walk himself up there. Every fiber in his body just wanted to fall to the ground and never get up. To just disappear and leave this whole mess behind.

Getting through security felt like he was checking into hell. Checking into a place that was going to destroy him forever. It was, wasn't it? This last visit was going to be the death of him and Yibo wasn't quite sure if that was literal or not.

He didn't know if he could do it. He's been questioning his strength this whole time. No part of him was ready for this kind of pain when he committed to getting to know Zhan. He was ready for it to hurt and for it to be difficult, but he wasn't ready to feel like he wanted to die.

He did. He wanted to die and there was no denying that anymore. He wanted to go with Zhan no matter how much he tried to convince himself that wasn't what he truly desired, it was.

"Yibo?" A voice says, pulling him back into the real world he so desperately wanted to escape.

Yibo blinks and looks up, such a simple movement of his eyes feeling strenuous.

"Hm?"

"Are you ready?" Mr. Lee asks, sympathy in his eyes as he looks at Yibo who was so clearly broken.

"No," Yibo says honestly. He wasn't. He never could have been.

"Do you need me to walk you up there?

Do you even want to go at all?"

Yibo looks at Mr. Lee almost as if the question was offensive. "No, I can go by myself. I'll be fine."

Except, as he walked away from Mr. Lee and into the halls of the prison that for the first time ever felt foreign, he realized he wouldn't be. He realized the tears couldn't be held back and that the sobs had to be let out.

He tried his best to keep walking but the ache in his heart and stomach grew too strong and he couldn't do it anymore. Before he could make it to Zhan's cell, Yibo found himself sitting up against the hall wall sobbing, his face buried in his hands.

They weren't quiet sobs either. They were loud and every part of him prayed no one came by. He didn't want to answer anyone, he didn't think he even could. Every part of him was weaker than he ever had been before.

After some time passed, Yibo had no idea how much, he forced himself to stand up, his legs shaky and his eyes still blurry as they continued to fill with tears. He didn't have much further to go before he was knocking on Zhan's door, or rather a poor example of knocking.

When the door opened and Yibo saw Zhan standing in front of him, he couldn't move. He wanted to hug Zhan, to hold him as tight as he possibly could but somehow that didn't feel right.

"Come on," Zhan says gently, guiding Yibo into the cell and quietly shutting the door behind him.

Zhan brings Yibo a bit into the cell, away from the door before pulling him into an embrace. "It's okay. We're okay. I'm still here, right?"

Yibo couldn't speak, even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to.

"And when I'm not, you'll still be okay, I'll still be okay. Everything will be fine, yeah?," Zhan continues to say, trying to sound like he was fine, but he wasn't.

They both knew nothing would be fine. They knew that once Zhan was gone, Yibo would be broken. Bad. He wouldn't ever truly and fully heal, a part of him would be leaving with Zhan, a part of himself he'd never get back.

Maybe it would be a part of his soul, he didn't know. All he knew was Zhan wasn't just a relationship, he wasn't just some guy he fell in love with. He was more than that. He was his soul mate. Yibo never believed in soul mates before Zhan, but there was no other way to describe it.

The connection wasn't like any other and Yibo knew he'd never feel it with anyone else ever again. Sure, maybe he could love someone, maybe he could move on enough to create a happy life for himself, but deep down he'd always miss Zhan. He'd always be missing his other half.

It was a terrifying thought, really. The idea of never being whole again. Never being able to feel complete and satisfied with life. Yibo knew that no matter what he did, whether it was filling his life with people, or things, or experiences, he'd never be able to sit back when he was older and feel like his life had been fulfilled because unless Zhan was there to do it all with him, it wouldn't be.

Yibo also was never the type to think relationships at their age lasted forever. He always assumed that everything good or bad had to come to an end but it was different with Zhan. He knew in his heart that if they had the chance, they'd last forever.

"I love you," Yibo says. It was all he could say, all he knew how to say in that moment.

"I love you," Zhan says back.

Heaviness is all that was felt between them, as if it were the pressure of being in the bottom of the ocean. Yibo would rather be at the bottom of the ocean drowning than feel the way he did right now. Then he thinks, maybe he wouldn't. Maybe, if this is what the universe said was going to happen, he would rather be here.

Be here with Zhan, who he loves more than anything in the world, in the universe itself. Be here, with his heart shattered and his life falling to pieces. Be here with his eyes full of salty tears that burned more than anything, because at least it was with Zhan, and Yibo thinks that maybe, just maybe, that's all that mattered.

"I'm not saying goodbye to you. Not ever," Yibo says.

"Good, because I'm not leaving you, not really. I don't know what happens after we die, whether it's heaven and hell, reincarnation, or nothing. but even if it is nothing, and as cheesy as it sounds, I think we'll find each other."

And maybe they already had. Maybe this isn't their first lifetime together. Maybe they had done this more than once. Maybe some lives together were good, and maybe others were worse than this one. Maybe they were simply friends in one, or brothers in another, soul mates aren't just for lovers, soul mates are for souls, and it was clear that theirs were meant to always be together.