Chapter 7 - Fears

"Mom, I don't think I should keep it," I said as I lay on the bed.

"What? Why?" Mom asked, her voice filled with worry.

"It's just that, this baby is unwanted. Drayce doesn't even know and I don't think I should let him know because of what he has to do for the military. I just don't think I can become a single mother and provide for the baby." I said honestly, looking down in shame.

Mom sighed as she takes off the glasses on her face and look away from the camera. "Anak, you always have us. Drayce may not be there to provide and be the father, but your father and I are always going to be here. The child may have been unplanned but we want it. We want the child you carry because it's yours. We will help you to the best of our abilities."

I should have guessed this is what she was going to say. My whole family has always been religious and they were outright against abortion.

I was the same until I was in this situation. Thinking about raising a child on my own scares me so much. Every time I think about the future where I keep the baby, I keep wondering what I'll tell the child when he or she asks for the father.

I couldn't stomach the pain of telling the child that the father doesn't even know he or she existed.

"I'll have to think about it, mom. I hope that whatever decision I made, you'll support me."

"Of course, anak. We always will."

When the call ended, I placed my phone on my side and contemplate.

I'm scared.

I'm so scared of raising a child on my own.

I don't think I can do this.

The things that are unfolding are far from what I imagined my life would be.

I always thought that when I became pregnant, Drayce will be there beside me. Throughout the term, helping me in case I need assistance, supporting me in every possible way, helping me complete the role of being a parent.

Life always has something else in mind.

Sighing, I became fully prepared for what I'm about to do next. Or at least, I thought I was.

As I walk towards the clinic, my heart beats hard and fast against my chest. My anxiety amps up to a point that my knees start to buckle.

I shouldered on and entered.

As I fill in the papers given by the receptionist, I began to remember the things Drayce and I planned when we were still together.

It kept playing in my head as I went towards the bed. As soon as I saw it, I choked.

"I-I'm sorry. I change my mind."

I said as I grab my things and ran away from the abortion clinic.

As I wait by the bus stop, I couldn't help but cry. I berated myself inside my head remembering the words I said and thought of.

Regardless of whether Drayce knows or wants this baby or not, it's still my child. Father or no father, I love my baby with every fiber of my being. I do not need him. I only want my child.

Besides, my mom's right. I am not alone.

Days went by, and as I push my cart carrying the rest of my luggage, I wheeled it towards the exit of the airport. When I saw my parents, I immediately ran towards them and enveloped them in a hug.

My mom began to cry as she tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear. "I'm so happy you're back. I missed you so much."

"I miss you too."

My dad took the cart and help me with it as mom links her arm around mine. "So, we're going to be grandparents soon."

"Yeah, you sure will. You better be ready." I said as I switch my gaze from my mom to my dad, making us chuckle.

"Oh, my dear. You have no idea how much I wanted to have a grandchild!" Mom said as my father smiles.

2 years ago...

I'm 2 weeks late.

I'm so scared.

The thing about this internship is, when my sponsor found out that any of us is pregnant, they will immediately have us taken to the hospital to confirm the pregnancy and then deport us back to our country, terminating our internship.

I didn't want to pass this up. I have given so much and sacrificed so much for this internship that I can't see myself pregnant.

Anxiously, I dialed Drayce's number as I pace around the front porch. Please pick it up...

"Hello?" He said, finally answering the call. "Hey, baby. What's up?"

"Drayce, there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I'm 2 weeks late."

He was silent for a few seconds until he spoke once again. "Are you pregnant?"

"I don't know. I haven't bought a pregnancy test yet, but I'm scared."

"Should you buy a pt?"

"I don't know."

"You were late last month too though right?"

"Right, but only for a week."

"Well, just wait it out for a bit. Or if you want to, I can buy you a pregnancy test just to be sure."

"Drayce... I can't be pregnant. They'll deport me."

"Calm down. We don't know for sure yet. I'll come over the next time I'm off and I'll bring pregnancy tests, okay?"

With my anxiety growing inside me, I sat down on the swing by the porch and bit my nails. "Okay..."

"Sorry, babe. I have to go now. My boss might see me talking on the phone. Just calm down for me, alright? We'll get through this."

"Wait!" I said as I look at the view in front of me. "What if I am pregnant?"

"Then I guess we'll have a baby."

"But they'll deport me."

"I just have to marry you then if that's what prevents you from going. Just do one thing for me, okay?"

"What is it?"

"If you're pregnant, don't abort our baby."

Despite my growing anxiety, those words somehow calmed me so much that when I said okay, I felt my anxiety disappear.

The thing about fear is that sometimes it crept in when you thought it was over.

In the middle of the night, I found myself awake as the thought of pregnancy riddled my mind.

I sat up and cry as I pray silently. "Please, God. I don't know if I'm ready yet. Please, please, I pray I am not pregnant."

The next morning, I can feel my body feeling so heavy as I walk through the restaurant.

Despite what I felt, I powered through it as another busy day went on.

"Hey Salina, can you help me with these boxes? The manager needs them." Mike said as I leave my post by the window of the restaurant.

"Okay."

When we head to the back, where most of the supplies are, Mike and I proceeded to lift boxes of heavy glasses for the bar.

Since most of the interns are new, the restaurant had to order so many glasses to make up for all the broken ones we all made.

It was a regular thing for us to lift heavy stuff and normally I would only ask for someone else's help when I can't do it.

However, as I lift one of the last heavy boxes, I felt something drop to my stomach that made me nervous.

After a while, my naval began to hurt so badly.

"You okay?" Mike asks as I bend over from the pain.

I was about to answer him when one of our coworkers called us all up to the front. More guests came in which meant, all hands on deck.

Biting through the pain, I head out and try my best to ignore the pain.

After work, I noticed I stained through my pants as I take them off. The restaurant requires us to wear dark pants so stains like this wouldn't be noticeable.

After changing, I went to the bathroom and wash my pants and underwear to wash off the blood.

A few hours later, I went back to the bathroom to change tampons. It was then that I noticed something on it.

A clot of blood that is so circular, I instantly thought of a cyst.

I sat there, looking at it for hours before finally snapping out of it and finishing what I'm doing.

When I went back to my room, I kept praying to God that I'm not sick. I keep thinking about some sort of sickness that could cause this.

Does PCOS causes blood clots like that?!

Oh my God. Do I have cancer?

The ringing on my phone snapped me out of my reverie. It was my mom. The moment we began our conversation, I immediately unloaded everything from work down to my scare in the bathroom.

She covers her mouth for a few seconds before speaking. "Anak, I think you had a miscarriage."

"W-what?"

"You see, what you saw might have been the zygote. I know your cycle. You have a regular cycle, so it's a lot easier for you to be pregnant. I know I can be unreliable since I'm not there with you but I'm telling you, you could be."

After our conversation, I immediately google early miscarriages and found an article about a chemical pregnancy.

I could go to the doctor to confirm but I instantly felt scared. If I was indeed pregnant then, I feel so horrible for praying to God for me not to be. I should have been more vigilant.

Spiraling down, my tears began to flow from my eyes. I wept and wept until my phone rang once again. This time, it was Drayce.

"Hey, how are you doing, babe?" He asks, his voice filled with happiness.

"I'm okay, you?" I said quietly.

"I'm great but are you sure you're alright? You don't sound like it."

"Oh, it's just that I'm tired from work and also... I have my period now."

"Oh... okay."

"So I'm not pregnant after all." '

"Yeah..."

For a moment, I thought I heard the disappointment in his voice, and in truth, I am disappointed in myself either.

I couldn't find myself telling him that I might just have a miscarriage. I don't have the heart to say it. He's still at work and has been so busy lately.

So perhaps, this is a secret I won't be able to tell him... for now.