Chapter 19: GUILT

It's so hard trying to juggle your work life and school life.This past few days both have been hectic.

We have been working on trying to get the coffee shop renovated to fit an American and Nigerian themed restaurant.

I haven't even gotten 3 hours sleep all together in the past three days.

Last night I had to perfect both menus ensuring we had enough in stock to prepare everything in the menu for a month.

Grace was also busy with online courses on cooking Nigerian meals and she also had physical classes with Jake's dad who offered to partner with her and also teach her so basically he had about 20% shares in the business.

Now I am working on the decorations for the Nigerian cuisine. I had different African fabrics and paintings and even canvas to make a few other things.

I tried getting some sleep but I just can't. I finished my sleeping pills and I don't have a doctor's recommendation to buy another one over here and that means it won't be sold to me.

Aside from lack of sleep my wrist has been quite an issue.

Today it's swollen, tomorrow it's as red as tomato another day it's my shoulder feeling like it's gonna fall off from the pain I was feeling from lifting heavy boxes at work.

They just won't heal and whenever I look at it, it's fresh -the memories-

And the fact that my head wasn't cooperating with my body. It's either the splitting migraine or dizziness and lightheadedness.

Everything I need requires a doctor's recommendation and right now my salary is all I have to manage things in school.

I already feel like a burden. Being fed by Grace is enough favor but then living in her house is way too much so I really don't want to stress her out more with my problems and expenses.

I took in a deep breath to get myself together when I heard someone making their way down the stairs in a RUSH.

"I am so sorry sis. I.........I.....I didn't know when I fell asleep, I shouldn't have left you alone to all the workload...."

"It's ok Grace" I shut her up because knowing where we'll enough she would continue ranting till tomorrow speaking of which

"what's the time" I asked and she took out her phone to check

Oh my goodness, it's 4 in the morning meaning I have been working for over 6 hours.

We both gasped in sync and afterwards laughed again in sync but somehow the smile on Grace's face dropped too quickly.

"Have you gotten any sleep since last night?" she asked with every word she uttered being laced with sadness, guilt..... basically a pack of emotions.

"Yes" I lied but it came out unsure selling me out to SAD GRACE easily.

"I am so sorry" she apologized and hearing the way she sounded I knew she was eaten up by guilt so I stood up and walked up to her.

"Don't you think I am taking advantage of you? I had 4 hours of sleep and you has none and yet you still do everything else for Kat and I"

"Grace,you didn't sleep for 4 hours you slept for 5 hours" I comforted allowing a chuckle escape my lips.

"and you are not taking advantage of me because that would mean I don't like what I do which makes everything a lie. I love everything that has to do with you and Kat because somehow you were the sister and family I longed for. We might not be complete but that doesn't matter what matters is that I love you guys and I choose not to sleep"

I continued after looking at the calm Grace "because I have enough boring classes today and sleeping now means I give those teachers the joy of having me listen to their ranting" I joked and this time Grace was the one laughing and throwing me into a tight hug.

"I love you too" she muttered but I couldn't reply because the hug wasn't as comforting as it should have felt.

Her hands were laid on my shoulders and my back was hurting. I was in pain.

I tried so hard to hide the pain I was feeling.

Grace finally pulled out of the hug and when she did she noticed my expression.

"Are you ok" she asked and I nodded turning back to sit down on the couch.

"Stop" she commanded but somehow I knew I was too weak too stand any much longer so I took a seat.

"Sis are you ok?" she asked again but this time doubt was so obvious

"I am" I tried to affirm but my voice gave in.

"Raise your cloth up" she demanded and I hesitated staring into her eyes for the slightest hint of believe that I was truly fine but it was all gone.

"I am fine Grace. Why are you sounding so worried?" I questioned trying my best to calm her down but I was sold out.

"Raise your cloth Amore" she demanded and this time she was serious because she never called me Amore it was always some funny name or unicorn or love or sis but never was it Amore.

I stopped trying to argue and I turned my back to her.

I slowly raised my cloth up hoping she was going to stop me midway but she didn't and as I pulled the cloth over my head I let out a hiss in pain.

Grace could see everything now. All my wounds were out for her to see,everything I kept under those baggy clothes were out and she could see it all.

I was expecting Grace to get angry probably for not telling her or send me out because I had too many secrets that could put her in danger but instead she broke down in tears.

I couldn't turn back to face Grace not now because all I was expecting wasn't what she chose to do.

I could hear her sniffling and I knew she was crying. I couldn't help but break down also because I was in pain.

I didn't deserve so much pain.I didn't deserve such a life.I didn't deserve all these wounds that choose not to close up.

All I wanted was to live,love and dream.

I wiped my tears with my and and tried to wear the cloth back but it was full of bloodstains. I guess this was how I was sold out.

"I am fine Grace" I muttered after managing to wear the cloth back.

"Yes you are fine that is why your whole body is covered up with fresh wounds right?"

I guess the stab wounds haven't healed completely to become mere scars.

"I can't believe you"

"You choose to hide everything else and I am fine by it but this, this is way too much"

"You choose to silently die right in front of me and you tell me every minute with a smile I am fine. If that is the definition of fine then I had rather choose that you shouldn't be".

"Are you expecting me not to feel guilty when you have been working your ass off this past few days and I am damn sure you were in so much pain"

"I really__"

I interrupted" Grace this is nothing."I muttered not trusting my voice even when I didn't face her.

I raised my head up only to find Grace standing right in front of me with hurt clearly defined in her eyes.

They were so red and puffy I couldn't bear to look at it for another second.

"Look me right in the eyes and tell me you are fine" she snarled and all I could do was to look down at nothing.

My eyes were cloudy and I felt sick but no matter how exposed I felt right now Grace wasn't going to be a shield.

She wasn't going to be my defense. She wasn't going to take any hit for me.

"You can't even look at me"

"Go get some sleep" she finally declared carrying everything I was working on upstairs to her room and I could hear a loud clash.

While I stood still she came back downstairs carrying everything else she needed and she stormed out again.

"I said go get some some sleep miss" she yelled and this was the first time I have ever seen her angry.

I went into my room and I brought out my books to read while waiting for the sun to shine.

I was distracted by the clashing sounds coming from Grace's room but I chose to allow her calm down.

Three hours later, I still haven't gotten any sleep and the books were more of an Hebrew scroll because I just didn't understand anything.

I closed the books and sat down waiting for my head to cool off so I could shower but a knock on the door was all I needed to jump up.

"Come in" I said but she still didn't open the door so I went ahead to open it and she came in.

"Grace I am__"

"I need to disinfect and clean the wounds" she cut me off before I could finish my apology.

"Don't worry.I am fine" I insisted but she stared at me and I knew she was still angry especially whenever she heard I was fine.

"I will get it cleaned in the school clinic" I lied but she didn't even spare me a glance she instead dropped everything on the bed opening the wound disinfectant.

I set down and raised my cloth a bit above my back allowing her dab the wet cotton wool on each of the wounds and she covered it with cotton wool and plaster.

After she was done cleaning each and every wound no matter how big it was she packed everything up and she went outside coming in with a bunch of other things.

Mostly baggy tops and jeans, knee length flare skirts, shampoo,wound disinfectants and so on.

She dropped everything and yet again I saw how pale she looked with puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks all because of me.

She started walking back to the door.

"Grace" I called and she stopped.

"I am sorry" I apologized but she walked away and slammed the door shut.

I picked everything trying to arrange it into my cupboard but I couldn't so I went ahead to take my bath but somehow I slipped in the bathroom and I am so sure the loud thud could be heard downstairs.

This was only confirmed when Grace came running into the room.

"Are you ok" she yelled from the room in desperation and I told her I was fine so she left or I assumed she left since the door closed not so long after.

I was feeling dizzy and my head was aching badly with pain all over my body and somehow I landed on my wrist after the fall.

I finally went back into the room after cleaning up and wearing a robe to cover up.

Surprisingly,Grace never left the room and she was arranging my clothes into the cupboard.

This time I stood in front of her and tried to hold her hand but she wouldn't allow me.

"Grace I am sorry" I apologized again.

"It's ok" she bluntly declared and walked pass me.

I threw on a baggy jeans and black top with a big heart embroidered over the chest area more like the chest region Grace apparently picked it out for me but she wouldn't say.

It was the only thing left on my bed and it was neatly sprawled on the well made bed which certainly wasn't my doing.

I went downstairs carefully avoiding another fall since I wasn't feeling any better but worse.

I went into the kitchen only to find Katrina and Grace eating or basically sharing a meal in the dining area.

She cooked.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and tried to uncap it but the pain in my right wrist sopped me right away.

I couldn't even feel my hands.

"Have a seat and eat something" Grace commanded and I pulled a chair and sat down.

I ate little or nothing out of the food since I didn't have an appetite and the tension between Grace and I wasn't helping.

The food was nice but it tasted so bitter every time I took a spoon and stared at Grace.

She got up and picked her plate to wash while I struggled to eat the little food right in front of me.

"You don't have to force yourself if you don't like it.Just take the pills on the countertop" she mumbled and I forced myself to finish the food knowing fully well she would feel bad if I didn't.

I took the pills and went upstairs to get my bag so we could leave.

I came back downstairs and Grace stood by the doorway with Katrina in her hand and in another a black hoodie with hope written all over it.

"Wear this,you look terrible" she said and I wore it knowing fully well she was right.

I might be black but at this point my body couldn't hide the pain and stress any longer.

The ride to school was the most silent ride in my entire life and as if Kat blended in well there was no sound from her.

"Grace I am sorry" I apologized for the hundredth time this morning but she ignored me and concentrated on everything else but me.

"Grace you know you can't ignore me all day please talk to me" I pleaded and all I saw was her hand harden on the poor steering.

Just when I thought everything was going wrong she abruptly applied the brakes because the traffic light was on red but she didn't notice earlier.

I had to stop my head from hitting the dashboard with my hands and the pain that went through my body was like the speed of light.

I hissed from the impact and leaned back into the seat.

"Are you ok?" Grace asked after regaining herself.

"No I am not" I replied and she scanned my whole body.

"Where does it hurt?"

"Should we go to the hospital?"

"Is it the wounds?" she asked simultaneously without allowing me give her a reply.

"It hurts here and it's quite deep" I pointed to my heart and I was almost sure she would smile but instead she continued driving.

"Grace" I called out but she ignored me and at that point I knew I was either losing Grace or I already lost her.