4th Chapter

Jessica

I actually realized really late what I was feeling. For me, at first, it was just a kind of game, an opportunity to feel important. I didn't understand what I was really feeling until a little later....

At school, not much changed anymore. My life, however, changed completely. If someone had told me during summer vacation what would happen, I would never have believed it. In the meantime, my head was going crazy and my thoughts were no longer normal. After the first two weeks not so much happened, except that I thought Jannik would mean to me only so as a flirt. Besides, it was Ariana's birthday, she turned 14, but otherwise.... well

On Ariana's birthday, I first heard something of Sara, which shocked me for a moment. Sara was friends with us last year in 7th grade. Finnja and Sara had known each other for a long time from elementary school and were friends until Sandy and I became friends in 6th grade, so there were always four of us in seventh grade. We had always gotten along so well, but in the spring Sara gradually went the bitch of the class, which we just couldn't relate to. By now Sara was just as bitchy. Always thinking she could have any boy and be the prettiest....

Anyway, she was invited to Ariana's birthday party and of course we were normal towards her, but since Sandy had immediately told who we were into, Sara bugged us about it. ,Lukas doesn't have a crush on you, he has a crush on someone else, I just don't know who....", she said to Sandy knowingly. Then she turned to me: ,,And Jannik is still into Laura, I know that, he's with us during breaks." I tried to sort of cover up what I was feeling and pretended he was just some random crush. "Yeah, that Laura, from the other class?", I asked indifferently. But what I still didn't realize at that moment was that I felt a stinging in my heart, a small minimal pain that was so inconspicuous that I didn't pay attention to it.

,Yes, exactly," Sara answered me. I knew Laura, of course, she had always been the best in sports and had talked about us. Actually, I didn't want to believe that it was like that. ,Do you believe what Sara said?", I asked uncertainly. This unsure feeling wouldn't leave me alone and of course I told myself that I just wanted to know because I had a normal crush on him. ,Huh, safe not!", said Finnja. I was a bit calmer in any case, especially because I knew that Sara didn't want to give us anything. But maybe she was right after all?

Ariana still didn't know about my feelings for Jannik. But all the time she wanted attention from him. Just because he spoke to her a few times, she was immediately beside herself. Sometimes I wasn't sure if she was into him either. But for the first time, I always had to pretend that I didn't care....

Even after the party, I had this weird flat worthless feeling. I felt so worthless. All the self-confidence that Jannik had given me was gone. Not that I was a sad desperate person otherwise.... But I had loved this feeling in the first two weeks, to be really noticed by someone. Without that feeling, I had felt so weird.

In the next days it cheered me up when I always saw that Jannik was secretly watching me and once even crashed into me (maybe on purpose). Also, once he stood with his friends and looked at us all the time.... All the weird feelings were gone and I felt really good again.

The next weekend, Sandy, Finnja and I had to talk on the phone, of course, and we sat there in the evening to watch our horror game from a Let's Player. Already a few days before, Sara was with me and had told me: "I was already shipped today by Sandy with Jannik." Thereby she had watched my facial expression, as if she wanted to know if I was really into him or not. I pretended that everything was okay and said: "Really, whoa." Since this event came back to my mind while talking on the phone that night, I asked Finnja.

,,Hey, Sara had told me that she was shipped with Jannik. By Sandy!! As if she would do something like that!" Briefly I noticed how she hesitated, then she spoke: "Yeah, Sandy didn't do that, I was there..." Needless to say, I was completely confused. When? What had even happened?

,,And....what?", I cautiously inquired. Actually, I had regretted it again after that, because I was afraid that something bad was coming.

Yes.... We were standing in a circle with the class and then Johan said: Sara, did you know that Jannik's mother's name is also Sara? And then Sara said with intentional astonishment: "Really?" Yes... And Jannik was there too....."

,,And then?", I continued to ask. The sinking feeling in my stomach grew. "Yes... then Jannik said like this: If you were my wife, my mother and my wife would be called Sara,' and Sara was so happy again."

Can you understand what I felt there? No more sinking feeling in my stomach, could be enough to describe it. Rather, as if I was standing at the brink and the more Finnja told, the closer I went to the brink. But I hadn't noticed it until I had already arrived and was falling. My whole body, my thoughts, everything fell, deeper and deeper. I didn't want to speak anymore. I wanted to scream, actually cry. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to lie in bed and cry, to get the pain away. Maybe that had been the worst moment. But it was so late... So late I had realized that I loved Jannik. Really loved him.

But that was just a joke, he didn't mean it seriously. ,Jannik is so...", Finnja tried to cheer me up. Yes, in the last days I had noticed that Jannik was very self-confident... But I didn't know this side. I was afraid that he really wanted something from Sara. All my hopes were destroyed, the next day I felt better, but only when school started again and I got the good old feeling from his looks.

Otherwise not so much happened: Finnja turned 14 and we went to her party in a jumphouse, more flashy looks from Jannik and of course that Sandy has a crush on Lukas. I was very often not sure if Sandy really meant it, that is, if she was not just imagining it....Because Lukas really did not look at her that often now.....