19th Chapter

Jessica

The worst had happened. The thing I had feared all along, the thing that scared me even in the nights. Why? Couldn't everything just work out the way it was supposed to? Why were my feelings so strong, so indescribably intoxicating, that I forgot everything else? Feeling like a heavy bag all day, whose strength had vanished, was no longer healthy. Was anything normal anymore? My whole body was so overwhelmed because my emotions were losing control every time.

This week started off pretty well. Well, after we wrote a Latin class paper, of course I was a little upset that the teacher was asking so much of us. So Sandy and I were rushing to the bathroom. Although Sandy was bugging me to no end, I had to pretend that everything was normal. In fact, nothing was normal.

Since Jannik had to take the clipboards down to the teachers' lounge, he stood in the doorway with the big bag full of clipboards. Instead of leaving immediately, he waited a short while until we both wanted to get out. I wonder if that meant anything. I didn't know.

Normally, he should have gone up the stairs in the opposite direction. Instead, he walked ahead of us really confidently, as usual. With him near us, my body kind of lost its balance and I didn't know whether to go straight or crooked. When I complained about the test with Sandy, he turned around and asked us: "Where do I actually have to go with these things?" Of course he knew, at least I think he did. To which Sandy replied, as I was just looking stupidly at Jannik at that moment, and he went on. "Oh well, then I should have gone like this," he said, pointing to the staircase at the very back. Sandy grinned only briefly as he said: "Oh, I'll just go with you now!" At that, he walked beside me. My heart was racing, but I tried to suppress it. Why did he go with us?

Now came the next flight of stairs before the girls' bathrooms, but he didn't go down there either. I just started to grin, so he wanted to go with us where we or rather I went. When we went into the toilet, I started to shriek slightly and Jannik went the biggest detour ever.

So everything started really well. Another embarrassing thing happened with Jannik. In English we had to describe how our dream man or woman would look like. Since Ariana and I had misunderstood the task, Ariana talked about her own dream guy, with everyone thinking she was talking about me. And she described exactly the qualities that Jannik possessed.... (She is not into him, but Eren had similar qualities).

He should be good at football and be good with kids...", she said casually. At the same time she turned Paul around with a really conspicuous grin and I also saw Jannik's happy look. Everyone thought that this was my dream guy and it was Jannik. Only after that we clarified that we had misunderstood and I saw how she turned Paul around to Jannik played disappointed....

Again in English we had to either make up a story or tell a true one and the others had to guess whether it would be true or false. Then I remembered how I had written a "threatening letter" in elementary school out of jealousy to a girl who had made a pass at my crush back then.... After Ariana and I laughed it off, she urged me to tell this story. Since we were yelling so loudly, Jannik looked at both of us curiously. He had heard about the threatening letter....

However, in order to be able to tell it, I turned it around and said that I had gotten a threatening letter for hitting on this girl's crush.... Apparently. When I told it, Ariana laughed and I laughed so hard that yes, it was already clear that it was true. When the teacher asked who thought it was true, several already came forward. Except Jannik. He was scratching around on his tablet like a little child, looking hurt and depressed, almost a bit pensive. I was not mistaken, it was exactly like that. I really hadn't wanted it and felt a bit bad all day.

Meanwhile, Jannik was looking at me so obviously. I didn't know what to think about it, after all, his friends also looked at me sometimes. And boys didn't talk about it, did they?

When we had a free period, Sandy and I walked around in the playground. Nearby was Jannik, who was waiting for the bus with Kati. While the two sat there, Jannik looked all the time in my RIchtung and sent a snap from the distance of Sandy and me, I was unfortunately more and more uncertain. Why? Because I was afraid he might ask me about Snapchat and I'd have to say I didn't even own a cell phone because of my parents.

So I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I told Sandy that I had to go home now. I wonder what he was thinking that I had to leave in such a hurry. Probably nothing.

On Wednesday, however, it happened. Already on the weekend I had thought of a thousand reasons why Jannik could go to Laura. I also thought about the fact that I didn't have a cell phone. Would he find me funny and leave only because of that? I also had nightmares about Laura hanging out with Jannik again. Not without reason I had been so scared....

Finnja and I stood around outside unaware and freezing. The cold wind breezes embraced my face. Unsuspecting I turned around, on the one hand to find Ariana and on the other hand to see if Jannik was there. Finally I saw him coming out of the door. And that's when it happened. Laura quickly went up to him and said something. At that, he raised his hand against her, as if to stop, and went on his way. But she went after him, ran up to him and was next to him. You could tell he hesitated, but then he stayed beside her. And they walked. And walked. And kept walking. The typical round as always. Just like the old days. Everything was like before.

My brain felt choppy, the longer they walked like that, the colder I felt. The more dizzy. I only saw a shilouette of the two of them. The two of them. Together. Again. I couldn't think straight, I didn't want to. I could have been there. It had happened... It had come to pass. My greatest fear, a fear that had tormented me for days. Even Finnja I had told, but I had never felt that she had taken it so seriously. Because none of us had believed it.

My heart was broken. My body was already gone. I no longer felt myself, no wind, nothing at all. Only the broken lump inside me. I tried to stop the tears. They continued to go the rounds. He started laughing and chilling as she kept walking, telling him something. Nothing had changed. In that moment, all the evidence, all the sweet looks, the whole thing of how he had been with me, that caring Jannik. Nothing was there anymore. Just me here alone.

Such a great sadness gripped me. The only thing Finnja could say was: "Huh? What?" That annoyed me even more at that moment. But what could she have said. I saw the two of them approaching us. And suddenly a rage seized me. "What an asshole, dude, I'm looking at him on purpose now!" I didn't do that. I stood and looked away. I turned around, away from them, as if I was looking for Ariana. Jessi, he was totally looking at you," Finnja told me. But that didn't help me at all right now. It just confused me even more. Now I was just standing there stupidly. As if with empty hands, as if I had nothing, except me. I looked up in the air. I wanted to cry, to scream, to tear the world apart. But not here. Not in front of everyone, and certainly not in front of Jannik. Jannik finished the round and went to his friends, but I, I wanted to leave.

I'll be right there," I said and went into the school building. I walked faster and faster, just away from there. From him. All the time I wanted something to happen. There, there I had, something had happened. Something bad. I headed for the bathroom, quickly went into the last stall and sat down. Then I started to cry. Images popped into my head, of him, of all the time that had gone before, of Laura.... I couldn't take it anymore. What was I doing to myself? While the others were pissing, I just had to cry. I felt like a piece of shit in a game. Made no sense, but that's how I felt.

"YOU weren't seriously crying! I told you that guy was no good for you!" That didn't do me any good now. How sure had I been that he was into me? Everything was like forgotten. My feelings completely shattered. I felt bad, worthless and sad. Disappointed and hurt, used and betrayed.

What do you think about all this now?", I asked Finnja in French. What I hated about it, she always wanted to be so careful not to hurt me, but I hated it even more when she told me only half the truth. "Yes, he wanted to prove something to you!" I looked at her skeptically. What hopes should I still have. What does he want to prove to me?" I asked her. Yeah, he was staring at you when he was with her. So he wants to prove something to you, maybe, oh I don't know.... Maybe, he wanted to see how you react, I don't know." Again, I was hopeful. And anger came over me. Every time he tried to make me jealous, he got it right. Because I always forgot that he was doing it on purpose.

"Dude, I'm stupid and I'm crying because of him. I won't look at him even once today!", I said. Still, I looked at him twice and noticed how he looked at me all the time. It was driving me crazy. What did he want anyway.

Even after school he looked at me with Lukas so obviously and looked away again quickly when I looked. What is he thinking?

When I got home I called Finnja again. She claimed that maybe he wasn't into me after all and that he had put away her last hopes because he thought he was cool and could have any. She said that she didn't think there was anything going on between them, but still he had to pay attention to my feelings. And of course I should think about it again.

Yes and again YES! How many times had I thought, and just could not let him. He did me no good, but it went nevertheless all the time so well. And suddenly this came. In the end he showed himself again as the same asshole who always wanted to make me jealous. But I was disappointed every time and fell for it. My feelings were always devastated. Why? Because of a playboy like him. I was so angry!!!

But still it scared me. Would he do it again the next day?

I asked Finnja the same question the next day. She claimed that if he went to Laura again, he would surely not be into me. Because he has to pay a little attention to my feelings. She also said that she thought he would do it again that day, though. And I was also afraid of that. After all, that would mean that he didn't care about anything with us. Didn't he?

But thank God he didn't. During the break, he continued to look at me conspicuously, but what scared me was that even his friends were staring at me. I just found that creepy.... And yet it made my heart jump. He ignored Laura again, even though she looked to him often. Apparently nothing had officially happened between them, no fight. But he just didn't feel like it anymore. It was the best direction. Or maybe the worst.

But nothing was going well with Finnja at all. She was so absent, sad and annoyed all day. Something was wrong with her, but she just didn't say it. Even when I tried to squeeze it out of her, she only said that nothing was wrong. Why was she suddenly like that? It was so annoying to me.

After we had argued, even if not so blatantly, we clarified the matter. Well, it just wasn't going so well with her. Although he really looked at her in bio. But I always had this feeling that something was going to happen soon. Between them. And yet Finnja would finally have to take the next step. Actually, I just wanted us to finally get our minds off of these shitty guys. They don't do us any good at all lately. The only thing they do, turn our brains upside down. As if we didn't have enough already.