22th Chapter

Jessica

This week has been awful, to put it in a few words. Boring, uneventful, and yet so confusing. Sometimes I wondered if I still wanted it all. Nothing was like before, except that my feelings were again so chaotic, as no human being can manage.

Very often I also asked myself: why? I mean, didn't I have it much better than Finnja, for example?

On Monday, one thing happened that Finnja found unbelievably. Maybe I was already used to such events. Unfortunately.

Because Jannik came to Sandy and me in art class to borrow some colors from Sandy. At first he tried to ignore me completely. Since I did exactly the same, I got this afterwards from Finnja, who had observed it from behind. Of course, I had to look up at him a few times, since I didn't always have the opportunity to do so. I noticed that he quickly gave me a few glances, but I didn't find them to be that great. But I wanted to start a conversation and said: "Yo, I got gold and silver, you need those?" He briefly looked at me really sweetly as always, but didn't answer and turned away and left. Since I didn't pay attention to it, I just kept going.

However, when I turned to Finnja I saw her face, which felt like it was bursting with joy. As quickly as possible, I rushed to her and asked her: "What, do you mean about..." Oh my God, Jessi, you should have seen it! First he tried not to look at you at all, but then he looked at you anyway. And not like normal, like me or anything, but like really, ahhh!!!" she whispered excitedly. I started grinning happily.

But it was still all so weird. I also wondered the whole day. About what? About the fact that I no longer felt the same when Jannik walked up to me, looked at me, or talked to me. His looks were so sweet, but it no longer caused the same adrenaline rush as usual. I was almost so indifferent to it, I had just gotten used to it. And I hated it. I had used to feel like I was in a different world every day, so happy and joyful. Maybe this feeling he had given me was really like a drug. The more you got, the more you wanted, from the same amount, you no longer felt the same.

Whenever he wasn't looking at me, I noticed this urge that he had to stare at me. So I kind of started talking to Paul, turning to the back to the others, or just letting it go. He did look at me a lot, but I was just hooked. There was no other way to describe it.

It was also once during the break that I wanted to watch Jannik again. When he was doing his rounds, I asked Sandy and Finnja to go the opposite round to see how Jannik reacted. But Finnja was completely annoyed. Yeah, but you already know that he's into you! Why do I still have to watch him then?" I could not understand her behavior at all. Already last week we had only argued, because she was so thoughtful all the time, didn't say it, what was going on with her and was funny all the time. Did it seriously have to go on like this now? I didn't feel like being so weird all the time. What did she suddenly have against it?

Yes, but if you knew that Lukas was into you, would you not want him to look at you anymore? I didn't understand anything anymore. When I approached Lukas, maybe I had brought up a weak subject. I didn't know it, but what Finnja was doing was not okay for herself.

I could understand that it was very hard for Finnja. She had a crush on Lukas, but she didn't know how serious she was about him. He didn't look at her often, but still sometimes. Things were somehow better with me or with Ariana than with her, after all. No matter what problems we had, Finnja had it the hardest. But she didn't make it easy for herself either. When she told me that Lukas was also playing Fortnite and that she would like to play with him sometime, I was of course completely thrilled by the idea and asked her to do it. But then again she said it would be way too flashy. And when I tried to think of other moves for her, she claimed she might not want anything from him.

I was just confused. All the time I noticed that there was a burden on her because of Luke. But instead of making a step to see if he would be interested in her, she did nothing. It's no use anyway, I'll only be disappointed if he does something bad," she said once, then again: "Yes, but maybe I don't want a relationship!"

I was completely confused. Maybe she was just afraid of messing up. Finnja had not had good experiences with boys and since then she was very careful with boys. But I also noticed that she suppressed her feelings all the time. Of course, I couldn't tell what she was feeling or thinking. But she was different than before. Ever since she told Sandy, nothing was really the same.

"I'm just not ready for this! This is just going to be a kindergarten relationship!", she answered me again annoyed. Well, if she didn't want something right away, why didn't she just try to get closer to him. They wouldn't be together right away if she made the next step. Or was she really just afraid of disappointment?

Yeah, he just doesn't look at you much! I mean, he does, but still not often! Just do something so that he sees that he has chances! Then you can also see if he wants something from you!", I said just like that. Maybe it had been cold. But I hated it when people talked around the truth, like Finnja always did. She, however, was hurt and ignored me all day. But I didn't care, at least I tried. After all, I only wanted to help her.

Actually, Finnja's behavior only annoyed me. But maybe I had never had the experience of true disappointment from boys.

I just don't get it anymore," I finished the sentence after explaining to Ariana what was going on. Yeah, I think she's just disappointed," she answered me. "She also told me that she would never tell you, for example, that Jannik doesn't look at you, you know?" At this I was confused again. What was that supposed to mean again. Had she just been lying all this time to make me feel better? But I knew that he was looking at me. And also the next day she said that it was just an example.

I didn't feel like pretending that everything was normal the next day, but I did it anyway. After all, Finnja did not have it easy. That was just the way it was, and I just couldn't compare it with my experiences.

Although now actually everything was ok, I hated this situation. Our friendship was quite strange, because I noticed that Finnja did not leave this thing with Lukas alone. What I could also understand.

Nothing happened with me either. And as I said, I wanted that adrenaline feeling again. But I knew it was his turn to take the next step. And what I knew just in case: It will take a long time until he dares to take this step. After all, he first has to get beyond his ego to create something bigger. But did I really have that much patience for him to do that? I didn't know.