61. What are you afraid of??

"Hurting her now so you won't hurt her later, does that make sense?"

She chuckled at his flimsy explanation, using her index finger to wipe a tear from the side of his face. "If you really didn't want to have anything to do with Luna, you could have turned her down nicely. There were a million ways you could have done that, but instead you chose the hardest way, a way that breaks and pushes her away."

"That was the only way… Yes, I wasn't thinking straight when I said those words to her last night, but I did try to break it to her gently, I tried not to hurt her at first, but it didn't work. If I had broken it to her any other way, I'm afraid she would have still come after me, at least now she would tear me out of her heart for good. "

"Is that what you really want?" She asks, looking down at him with those truth serums she called eyes, and it made him wonder.

What did he really want? He had no idea what he wanted, but he knew fully well what he did not want.

He did not want to be out of her life forever, he did not really want her hating him, he did not want her crying and hurting because of him, he did not want to take away her laughter, but most importantly, deep down, he knew, he did not want to loose her… and there it was. The things he didn't want, but he just couldn't point out what he wanted.

"I don't know…" he truthfully says, squeezing her hand in his own.

"What is it you're afraid of Zee?" She suddenly asks, nudging him to lift his head from her lap and sit down face to face with her, and he does…

"Are you afraid of her loving you, or of you realizing you love her? Are you afraid of having her, or losing her? Are you afraid of hurting her, or of you being hurt again? Are you afraid of the fact that you can never get me out of your heart, or the fact that I already don't own all of your heart anymore?"

She cups his face in her palm, gently stroking his cheek with her thumb… "Tell me Zee, what is it you're afraid of?"

Maybe he needed someone to help him point out the fact that he was scared, but now that she said it, he realized that he really was afraid, afraid of every single thing that she listed…

Afraid that he would never love anyone half as much as he loved Dan-a, afraid of the fact that he was now realizing that he had some feelings for Luna, afraid that some part of him deep down had always felt something for her.

Afraid of loving again, afraid of losing again, afraid of dying inside all over again, He was afraid of every single thing.

"Zee, just because you once had me, and lost me doesn't mean it's going to happen again. You're young and handsome and alive, so you can't love me forever and waste your life."

"What do you mean? I don't consider loving you as a waste of my life, I can never love anyone else. You're always in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, so how can I do that to her when I know I have someone else in my heart?"

"Just because you think of me everyday doesn't mean I'm still the one who has your heart. You have to let go of the guilt Zee, it wasn't your fault that I died. I loved you, and I more than anyone know that you loved me too, and yes I know you'll always love me, but that doesn't mean you can't love someone else."

" Zee, You'll always love me, but only as a woman who you once shared your life with, but you have so many more years ahead of you, so love someone who you can share these years with."

"You're wrong, I love you always and forever, nothing is going to change that fact, I don't need to, and I don't want to share my future with anyone else." He counters, gently taking her hands from his face and into his hands.

"Stop telling yourself that, stop lying to yourself. Look into your heart Zeno, you'll see that your Piccola already has a bigger space there. I'm there too, but if Luna has a mansion there, I probably just have a room, and there's nothing wrong with that."

She takes her hand to his face and raises his head, urging him to look her in the eyes, and he does, "Zee, it's not wrong to love Luna as a woman. It's not wrong to let her help you mend your heart, you can't stay broken forever, Zee."

"Dan-a what are you saying? She's like a little girl…" *PAW* his eyes flew wide open as a hot slap landed on the side of his face.

"Never call a fully grown woman a little girl. Never!" She scolded him, and he just rolled his eyes.

"Zee, take your time, look into your heart, stop trying to deny it, she's not a sister, a child, a girl, a little baby. She's none of that. She's a fully grown woman capable of loving you. Now look into your heart carefully, do you really think of her as a child? Do you really still love me as a woman you wish to share your eternity with? Do you really not have any amorous feelings for Luna? Can you live without her?"

And her words lingered in the air, she said nothing more, but those words kept on playing in his head, and it had him wondering was it lust, or love? Was he being protective of her, or just being scared of losing her? As he laid on his bed, all that filled his head was worry, even in his sleep, he wondered if she was doing okay, and even when the sun hung high up in the sky, it's blinding lights brightening up the room, and he opened his eyes, Dan-a's last words resonated in his head… "Can I live without Piccola?"