Qin Feng Cried

Qin Feng

The days followed by Grandpa's death passed in a blur.

I don't know what was happening in my surroundings.

Somehow I could feel my body doing some actions, but my brain is unable to process what is going on around it.

Like I am helpless against it.

The funeral was held in a grand manner, and his old friends came, they said all kind of encouraging words to me, but I don't remember any of it.

Am I sad? I don't know. I don't even know whether I can feel any emotions.

Then what is it?

I stopped having feelings ages ago. They are not good for you. You end up getting hurt anyways, so why bother even trying. It's not like that would change something.

I love my grandfather, even though I would never admit it.

He was the only person for me to rely on. Even though I would have never relied on him to do something, but I knew if I went to him he'll be standing beside me. Always.

I am not feeling sad. Those who were, bawled their eyes out at his funeral.

From the doctor telling me his condition that he won't be able to hold it for long till now I have not shed a single drop of tear.

I am just feeling empty. Even more than I normally feel.

I don't know what to make of it.

Honestly, I still can't believe that he is no more. What am I even working for if I can't even help people by my side?

What's the point of living when people beside me die anyway? I don't know what to name what I am feeling, but I am feeling shit right now.

I know right now I should be beside my sister's side, but I am afraid to face her. I don't know what to say to her, or how to comfort her at all.

It was always Grandpa who communicated between us, as I was always bad at it, and now that he is gone, I don't know how to face the only family I have.

She must have been scared, right? I know I don't deserve to be her brother.

Su Li is with her, and somehow I know that she will handle Bai'er for now. I don't know why I trust her so much. I should not.

Every time I trusted a person, I have seen them stabbing me behind my back.

Grandpa always used to tell me that there will be someone whom you will trust and would never regret it. I haven't met anyone like that till now. Maybe she is?

I just don't understand why I am like that with her.

I lost the count of time I said sorry and please to her. Which is rare coming out of mge. I trust her with my sister.

I asked her to do something, which I should have done for my sister, and to my disappointment she did everything. Even when she had nothing to do all of it.

Just because I am a person who does not know how to deal with his sister.

I am sitting in the backyard of the mansion, which my grandfather used to love.

He had all these kinds of rare flowers which he loved. I never understood, not even now. What is so special about them?

After some time Su Li came and sat next to me. She had been helping with the funeral and had stayed beside BaiBai all the time.

She has done something that no one else would have ever did.

"Thanks." My voice came out hoarse as I have not spoken for a long time.

I don't think I would be able to thank her enough for what she has done in the past few days.

I don't know what all she did, but she did everything that I was supposed to do.

"How's Bai'er?" I haven't spoken to BaiBai in days. Usually when I see her she would talk endlessly.

Now that she is quiet, we don't know what to say each other.

I know I lack here. But I hope she won't hate me for not being with her when I should have.

"I put her to sleep. She finally accepted the truth."

She looked at me with concern. I am fine though.

I don't know what changed because I am not annoyed by her anymore.

"Are you…. fine?" She voiced out her concerns.

"Yeah." I should gather myself together, and start working like how I do normally.

Some idiots might think of this situation as an opportunity, and can cause trouble.

"You don't look that you are fine though."

I was pulled back to reality from her words. It's fine if she thinks that.

But I am ok. What could possibly wrong with me. I am already used to it. Used to everyone leaving me. You might feel sad for the first time, but you can't remain in that state forever.

Time never stops for you, and you won't get that person back anymore.

I just don't know why I am feeling more empty than usual.

"I don't know how to thank you for what you have done." This might be the first time I said these words to someone, but I mean them.

She is definitely not a stranger, but even families don't do that.

"By becoming normal again." She replies. Why do I feel that she understands me everytime.

She don't say anything after that, and I don't reply her either.

She just sat beside me silently the whole time.

Before I could realize an hour passed by. I am not feeling that stuffy anymore with her by my side.

"Grandfather tried his best to do everything for me, after my parents passed away. So that I won't feel sad. Even though his health was not in a good condition, and he could not trust anyone. He never asked me to help him, or made me learn those things.

He wanted me to have a normal life like everyone around my age. He did everything thinking that I was not aware of it. But I noticed it all the time. Instead of feeling happy that he is doing so much for me, I felt even more guilty."

I don't know why I am telling her all of this. I never told this to anyone. But to say all of this in this moment just feels right.

I even shocked myself by saying so much. I never thought I was capable of talking this long, and not feel annoyed about it.

After saying all of this I did not feel light, like how people say they feel after letting it all out.

Instead every word I spoke felt harder to come out than the previous one.

Su Li did not comment on anything I said.

She turned to face me, and wrapped me in a hug. And instead of pushing her away, which would be in line with my personality, I hugged her back.

Maybe I needed it more than I would ever care to admit.

She kept patting my back as if she is comforting me silently.

"You miss him." She said after a long time.

And I realised she is correct. I miss Grandpa. I want him back. My eyes feel like they are burning.

Before I could register what was happening I felt my something wet on my cheeks.

I touched my face and realised they were tears. I was crying.

It is not like I didn't cried before. But this emotion feels unfamiliar, like I have long forgotten how it felt like.

The last time I cried was at my parents funeral, which was more than fifteen years ago.

Su Li patted my back gently after sensing my state and said "No one is looking at you including me, you can cry you know. No one going to know anything. I won't tell a soul."

I don't know if it was her voice or what, but I felt vulnerable at that moment. Something which I hate to feel.

I cried for a long time, and Su Li did not said a word. She just comforted me silently all the time. And I was too consumed with myself to bother to care what she might be thinking of me now.

She kept quiet all the time. Maybe she was aware that no words would be helpful at this moment.

After I calmed down. My brain finally started working which was shut for days.

I realise I had been hugging her for a long time, and leave her due to embarrassment. I feel a little empty by doing so, but I brush off that feeling.

I am surprised that I was not repulsed by having physical contact with her.

I don't hate her company, instead I feel at ease with her. Which is definitely not a good thing.

But I am not going to do anything about it. I am feeling good in her company.