Talking To BaiBai

Qin Feng

"If you don't mind, Can I ask you a question?" Su Li said.

"Yeah." She already know everything about me. There's no way my sister had been kept quiet about it.

But it also shows that everyone in this family trust her including me.

"Why you have not talked to your sister?" To be honest I was not expecting this question from her.

"I don't know how to face her." I reply honestly.

Since I have already rambled so much today, saying something more won't change anything.

"I am scared of facing her. I don't know why, I am not an emotional person, and I would definitely not consider myself as a nice person." I say.

My sister might love me but she doesn't know what kind of person I am. If she knew what I have done all these year I am afraid that she will loathe me. I don't want that to happen.

I know I should not have these kind of thoughts at this moment, and that as long as I keep her away from all of these she won't have to face the dark side of this world.

But she and I both know that Grandpa was poisoned. When grandpa's condition started deteriorating we consulted many doctors. And one of them told us that he was poisoned when he was young. And since it was not treated at that time they could not do anything in that.

Even till this moment they were not able to identify the type of poison or what its cure could be.

Due to that poison grandpa organs started failing, and the doctors could only give him the meds for prolonging their life as long as possible.

Still, it could never had been effective since the root cause was not being treated.

BaiBai was also aware of it. And no matter how naïve and innocent she is, she is not stupid.

She would think of this matter for sure. I don't want her to find anything. I can handle it on my own.

"She would be very happy if you talked to her" Su Li said bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Would she? I thought she would hate me for not being with her." She might have thought that I would comfort her at least this time. But I still behave like I do usually. I was not there with her when I should have been.

"I can understand that she will always be a little girl in your eyes. But she is more understanding than you think she is. And she really respect and admire you a lot."

Even though Su Li doesn't know the whole picture, she somehow always answer as if she is aware of everything.

Like she understands every one of us, because I don't think I have ever explained the situation to her, but she still seems to understand it.

"How can you be so sure about it?" I ask her.

"I can see that in the way she talks about you." She explained.

I should be already aware of it, but I still feel good when she said that.

I couldn't help but smile at that.

I turned to look at her staring me with wide eyes, as if she would miss something if she blinked them.

"What?" I ask her.

She seemed to come back to her senses at my question as she shook her head and said "Nothing."

She blushed after saying that. She looks cute like that.

"So when are you going to talk to her."

I got her point okay, then why does she need to ask it again.

"And what am I supposed to say to BaiBai?"

She suddenly laughed and I realized that I said that out loud. Jesus.

It's really embarrassing. A grown ass man doesn't know what to say.

"Stop laughing." I try to sound angry but that only made her laugh more.

"Why are you so tensed about it? You just need to go talk to your sister casually.

I did not asked you to have a conversation with a monster, why are you afraid then?

Though it would be indeed easier for you to have a conversation with a monster." She said the last sentence in a whisper but I still heard it.

Well she isn't wrong about that though.

"Don't think anything at that moment. Just say what comes to your mind okay." She said.

"Yeah." I reply like that is the easiest thing to do.

***

The next day.

I thought about what Su Li said to me last night.

I go toward BaiBai's room and tried knocking the door only to retract my hand before I could do so.

What the hell am I even scared of? It's not as if it is someone else house.

I might have said a lot of things yesterday, but I still don't know what I would be saying to her.

Someone held my hand before I could go back downstairs.

I look up to find Su Li motioning me to continue. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I did not notice her approach me.

Well she had been staying here to take care of us. I think Butler Zheng

"You are acting as if you are a student who committed some crime and this is the principal's office."

She said in a whisper so that BaiBai won't hear her.

To clarify I am not acting like that. What made her think that?

Before I could reply to her she knocked on the door.

I glared at her. I was going to do that. Why isn't she minding her own business?

"Yes?" BaiBai's voice sounded from the room.

Su Li smiled at me.

She opened the door, and almost pushed me inside. She closed the door for us. Leaving us alone.

BaiBai was leaning against the bed, and I looked clearly at my sister in days.

She seemed to have lost a lot of weight, and my heart ached for her.

"You are not angry with me?" I ask as I sit beside her.

That the first thought that came to my mind and I stupidly blurted it out due to someone's suggestion.

I would not leave her for telling me to do this.

And the person who could have handled the situation a little bit left us alone in the pretext of giving the siblings some private time

"Why I would be angry?" Bai'er asked confusedly.

And now I will have to be honest while answering.

That's the reason I hate having conversations which are not about work. I have no idea what I am supposed to say next.

Usually I don't care in that case because the person can think whatever they want.

But I can't have the same mindset while talking to my sister, right.

"Because I should have been with you, but I was so preoccupied with myself that I ignored you."

What am I saying? That would be the first time I said something like that to her.

"I know you were feeling sad too. I would never be angry at you. We will live through this."

She did not said anything after that but I felt light after she said that.

I don't know what to say again.

Why do I have a feeling that she is coaxing me? I thought she would be feeling hurt, but she made it look like I was.

Before I could think of something to say, she hugged me.

I don't understand what's with hugging anyway. Why do everyone do that?

I could understand that I might have been looking sad yesterday, and I didn't felt repulsed by it.

But that doesn't mean I like it.

Still, I have no choice but to endure it.

"I know that you are not good at showing your feelings, but I know you. You were looking so sad that I was concerned about you. I am happy that you came out to me." She broke the hug and smiled at me.

Why does it look like I am the younger one here, and she is comforting me.

Anyways I will let it slide since she is the one doing it.

I feel relieved after seeing that she is fine.

"Let's go and eat breakfast." I tell her.

At breakfast I did not see Su Li.

I thought about asking to Butler Zheng about her, but he would think too much into the matter.

To my relief BaiBai asked him instead.

"Where's sister LiLi. Why isn't she eating with us?"

"She said that she had some work so she went back."

"Oh." BaiBai said dejectedly.

"That child has been taking care of you like a family, she is a really nice girl. She was giving her time, even though she had work. We should not hold her back now." Butler Zheng explained to her.

But I though he was trying to tell me something.

Anyway I already know it. I would help her if she need something in the future. She has become my friend by now.