Chapter 2

It wasn't surprising at all with what they were doing. The only time it seemed they were " Godly" was when they wanted everyone on their social media to see it. It said a lot considering how they also put out there what they were also doing in the world. Why? She wasn't God but with how she felt how did God feel? " God, Jesus, let me see from your point of view. I'm sorry for what I've done, but let me see." She wasn't specific. She didn't care if people saw her in her vehicle praying to God but she needed something and she needed to see something now. She was fed up with the church she called hers. She wanted to see what God saw every day. She felt it in her mind as she saw and heard it clearly. She stood in front of her church with the mic in her head before yelling through it.

" It doesn't matter if you think it's understandable, it's not righteous. You're just being rebellious and don't care till he is standing by your bedside trying to call you home. God will make you see things whether you like them or not. God is just about to say ' Just believe because you can't see. Why do you do it when you know it's wrong? You've Got the whole world you think you know what's wrong you don't realize you're already gone. "

Carrie felt weird hearing herself saying it but it was powerful and she felt it radiating off her and down her spine. She prayed sitting in her car waiting patiently for God to do something anything. She prayed for her church, the pain and heartache, and not just that but for herself as she didn't feel anything hinder her.

Bills were never an issue to Carrie getting out of bed the next morning was a problem. Carrie would rather be lazy only she was an adult; she had to stay afloat to survive. She had money saved up for practically anything life threw at her but she still didn't regret not helping Miara. Was it selfish of her? She wasn't even really a friend Carrie just said that because of all the parties and drugs she had gone through. She did call Miara's other friends to help and they didn't want to do anything to help either as only one person did as she didn't hear anything from her. She didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad one. She didn't know what to do after her hard day at work that morning; If anything she'd rather slip back into bed and sleep. She grabbed her Notebook and Bible instead and sat on her couch. Opening her notebook she reread something God had said to her that she had written down.

" Just because it's lost doesn't mean the value is broken." She immediately wrote it down hearing God through her as she thought of the meaning behind what God meant. " You are not lost." Carrie froze as it became clear to her. " Thank you, God!" She knew the way she was before and thinking of it made her miss it but now she felt more at ease and not just in her mind. She had only smoked once after that she had promised herself she'd never do it again. The drinking she had done, being drunk, pained her to think about it as she was glad she changed for the better instead. She remembered the pastor's exact words when he spoke out to the congregation about sins and people and the wrong they had done. " Your past doesn't define you. Your future does. " She even remembered scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and seeing things relate to that same saying. She believed every word.

She was determined as the bible said to be perfect, even though she was only human, even when her past said otherwise; it wasn't what God had called her to be. Being apostolic was a 24\7 thing and she was going to try her best, whether things got in the way or not. Every now and then Carrie would burst into tears. if work wasn't stressful it was the Church, then it was the so-called friend that finally called her to do drugs. She couldn't handle it as she simply would try. her mind wondered while it was also dead. while she cried she wished she did have a sibling only one that was respectful, and mindful. One that didn't joke as Matthew would, it was rude and obnoxious. She wondered where she'd go if she did die but then again she didn't want to think about that. Carrie had prayed to God for Heaven, not Hell, only she felt empty and hollow as she only cried for peace.

Sometimes Looking at the Church she could hear God over it. She felt like she was drowning as they couldn't hear him, and to her it was sad. Carrie still filled half a notebook of what God had said to her and gave it to her pastor but she didn't think to tell him what exactly it was as she only called them songs. She only hoped he'd understand they weren't but he is not once brought it up to her. The only thing that came out of her mouth terrified her more as she felt used rather than herself at the moment.

" You don't go to church anymore because you were too blind to see. You hang out with those who don't know who they are, and still, you don't know, they don't care. Do you care fake to them I will never be? I see every problem you think you're the better thing for everyone, but still, you don't know who you are. Just trust yourself because you can't see just believe because you can not see!"

She cried again trying to get past the images that she tried to get past that God showed her. She hated visions she hated when God spoke to her. It hurt her physically and emotionally she felt dead. She pulled everything onto herself bottling everything up as she felt it necessary as no one would believe her. Not a single image was of her but of her youth and some other people she didn't know. What she didn't realize was the revival they were supposed to have, maybe God could open their eyes before then.

" I've got their lives in my hands. Let us see how this ends. Some will say they don't care others will want everything just to be saved. " It was one thing to hear God laughing in her head, but the feel overwhelming feeling going through her was another. Seeing things from God's point of view only ever left her speechless. She felt depressed over the church. What could be more important than God? Carrie read her bible and it wasn't just a daily thing, it was her resting place even when her anxiety got the best of her.

She reread 1 Corinthians several times about Faith and not standing with men but with the power of God. She remembered when Bro. Sammy Sherrill preached every detail she tried to remember but the words in the bible weren't just simple but powerful. it didn't matter if they preached the same message she knew it was needed. God didn't own fear but he had fear over the people that went to Hell and not Heaven. Everything she read in the bible was powerful and even though she wasn't perfect God was.

The church talked a lot about their neighbor and then they'd go behind their backs as well as be fake to their faces. Carrie didn't know which was worse them talking behind each other's back or them trying to be friends. It created too much drama as well as trauma in the eyes of people who actually watched and listened to their conversations. Carrie wished they could see from God's eyes as well as hers. Being funny and sarcastic was one thing as it would result in some of the youth yelling at each other. From Carrie's point of view, it was rude and downright disrespectful. They didn't just call each other names but when she would say anything it felt wrong she tried hard to not do what they did or said. She knew they were used to it and Carrie tried to see that from their point of view. The only issue was to the visions it was disrespectful whether they were kidding or not. To Jesus, it was all fun and games till someone got hurt, or told the pastor.

The news would travel fast around the church and that also meant rumors or gossip. It wasn't needed so when anyone tried to ask her anything she'd only give up so much information. She wasn't even sure if talking to the church, in general, would be the way to go. " But what if that were me?" It was the second time hearing it and she just didn't understand why her. " Then tell them." She could still hear Matthew in her head as God spoke yet again. " I've tried, They don't listen." Was she supposed to be surprised? Then do it, God. Show them. Tell them somehow, just don't harm them." It made her think of the story in the bible where God had found thieves in his temple and whipped them for gambling and worshiping other Gods. It was supposed to be a place of worship for God and only God.

She only thought of the fear wash over her as if one got in a wreck, and possibly dead. She'd blame herself even though they were in the wrong. She wanted them to see what they were doing. Hopefully, they would change, and be more of God. That Sunday they had a special preacher from Louisiana, Bro. Robert Mcmanus. Bro. Sherrill had known him for a long time and it wasn't Bro. Mcmanus's first time preaching for the church. It wasn't the first time she had heard him preach either. Everything he yelled through the mic was powerful but it was a gift from God. " When God says he wants you to be like him, He wants you to talk like him!" She heard him talking about how God healed certain people and it was amazing every time she heard it. Sometimes it was the same story but every time it was more powerful than the last. " If you want to be changed you're in the right place, but don't blame it on God because you don't want to make the move to be changed." She wanted to be the one person he touched and prayed for but the only problem she had was he never did.

" God I'm right here." She held out her hand as it felt as if she were opening herself as he would fill her up. Bro. Mcmanus wasn't just a Preacher but an Evangelist. Which only meant that he traveled and God spoke through him to others. The primary responsibility is to preach God's word, telling people simply and clearly what God says concerning his son Jesus Christ and what he has done for all. Souls are at stake that's why he travels with urgency. Carrie loved his preaching but something always seemed to nag her as she always found herself looking at the youth, and it wasn't just them but she found herself observing everyone else as well. It bugged her greatly even hearing God's voice time to time. Every time she heard Bro. Mcmanus even say this revival made her want to laugh and not just because they weren't worshipping the way they had a few services back, but it was the part where they could definitely do better. " They want Revival. They don't even know who they are."

Even though she couldn't see half the time what was right in front of her God still showed her visions; visions she didn't want to see. She found out quickly she was depressed and she always felt more lonely than feeling like she had friends. She always had to tell herself she was okay even though she clearly wasn't; It only hurt her more every time. She didn't have friends but every time she was at the church at least one person hugged her and told her that they loved her. She didn't know if it helped because at the end of the night she still cried herself to sleep. What made it worse was she always found herself questioning if she was demon-possessed. Wouldn't it make sense though? No how could something like that be inside of her when God spoke to her? She questioned if it was even God most of the time that spoke to her; really spoke to her. Carrie hoped she was wrong God was all-powerful and through her, he could do anything.

What she would give to have someone, anyone to say what she went through. Would her friend from church believe her? Would her pastor? Bro. Sherrill always said God gives us songs and even visions. Carrie prayed for her future from the visions she had scared her. Praying and fasting became more than a daily thing and she wasn't trying to starve herself but she couldn't tell if she was losing weight. Her crying became numbing to her to even think about her church and the visions. Carrie one day after work went to the church and was thankful that her pastor had entrusted her with a key. She wanted to pray and seek God in the midst of doubt and trouble. The church itself held dust and upon that bathrooms needed cleaning. She saw the list of women that were supposed to clean, and she still wasn't aware of where everything was. Carrie didn't want to snoop but she found the broom and dustpan along with the disinfectant.

She cleaned even though it probably wasn't her place. Carrie's mind wandered elsewhere as she pulled the broom towards her in a motion sweeping what was left on the ground. Carrie was upset half the time with how the church looked and even when they had special preachers the church itself could look better. Bro. Sherrill preached on Choices that Sunday and every time she heard anything she wanted to cry but she tried to refrain. She felt God in everything he said as it was only a confirmation of a certain vision. At first, when she saw herself in the Hospital in a robe she didn't think anything of it. She realized it had been 5 years since that vision and it scared her to think of her own future when God showed the church and on top of that God spoke about the church.

" They think they know right from wrong. I've got their lives in my hand's let us see how this ends." It wasn't what she wanted to hear and it terrified her more when she felt like she knew as she didn't want to know. Every time she cried out to God he always said the same thing. " You know." Even after she heard him say that he'd say " everything." What she knew was what she didn't want to know even when God showed her the same vision again but with herself in the Hospital bed in pain, she felt a rush of pain that was almost excruciating. She knew something was wrong with the pregnancy. Rebuking it was the only thing she felt like she could do other than cry. " God please I don't want that to happen." The vision itself haunted her and seeing another part of the vision as she rebuked it scared her even more. A man that she had seen for 5 years but didn't know turn his head as her breath caught in her throat. She wasn't sure what it was but the feeling went down her spine as she knew why he was there. " Maliki?" Their eyes were wide as tears fell because she only knew what it all meant. If she was depressed now she was. " God he doesn't deserve that. Please God please!"

She screamed at God in her house. " God Please. Please if he is the one don't do this to him. He doesn't deserve this." It became a recurring prayer even when she noticed she did have a lot of feelings for him. Matthew talked to her about him and how Maliki was. What she would give to tell him herself of the visions she kept seeing. She couldn't think straight as she watched from time to time of Matthew talking to Maliki as he would make eye contact with her. She felt as if he only looked at her. In Carrie's point of view when she saw Maliki she saw a man of God. Someone with respect, who had patience, that went after God not just because he needed to but because he wanted to. " Why do they do it when they know it's wrong?" Carrie understood clearly what God was saying the only issue was the stupid questions God always asked when he already knew.

" But what if it were me?" She groaned grabbing the bridge of her nose with her thumb and pointer finger as she wanted to scream in annoyance. The fakeness that went on in the church and drama was surreal. Even if they listened she didn't want it to be too late for them. " Then tell them, not me, them." Carrie had plenty of conversations with God but every time he'd say anything to her it was as if she'd rather hear something else than something that would affect her and her future or the Church. " I've tried. They don't care." She again wasn't surprised and she still heard her pastor's voice. " It's sad when you can't tell the world and the church apart." Did that mean he knew of what was to come over this church? Did God show him a vision that he had shown her? " DO it, God. Whatever you need to do. Please don't harm them." Carrie felt the way God felt and she knew it wasn't more of an option but a fact.

She knew in the bible if it was an abomination it meant God hated it. " I've cried tears of blood they didn't feel. I've seen everything I've tried to heal still they can't hear. They think they've walked too long I wasn't even done. They've asked and asked I've answered their prayers still they fight alone why do they do it when they know it's wrong? " She heard the words backward. " You've got the whole world and you think you know what's wrong you don't realize you're already gone. You don't go to church anymore because you were too blind to see you hang out with those who don't know who they are still you won't even know they don't care. You are fake to them I will never be. I see every problem you think you're the better thing for everyone still you don't know who you are. Just trust yourself because you can't trust me. Just believe because you can not see."

God didn't die on the cross for our sins just for us to call ourselves Christians and not follow after him. How could anyone call themselves a Christian and not act like a Christian? Even inside her church, she could easily point out people but that was only because of God and what he constantly said. " They won't listen. They'll still choose their own path." She didn't know how to feel as she stuffed her face into her hands before pulling her back in frustration. " Why would anyone listen to her anyways? " Was she even strong enough for all this? God wouldn't have placed this in her life for nothing but she didn't know what to do or who to trust. Carrie read about most of the disciples and their problems along with how they overcame their issues. God still used them but that was after they stopped doing what they weren't supposed to do in the first place. She understood quickly to no act of the world and she wished most of the time she was raised in the church. All she ever wanted to hear was " well done thy good and faithful servant. " God was always going to be an on-time God. Sometimes she just wanted him to help her to the convenience of her needs.

It was selfish of her but from her point of view hanging out with the youth sometimes was fun. Other times it was just filled with drama and gossip, and on top of all that, just the name-calling and the yelling back and forth nagged her. If she was this disappointed with her how did God see it? Matthew would continue to speak to her as if Maliki actually liked her and that was when she started to actually believe it. " He said he wasn't sure." She wasn't sure if he was even telling her the truth and she felt two different emotions before really looking at Maliki who spoke to the Pastors wife. She only looked away when he looked back at her. She prayed more about him and the future she wanted but if anything even when she saw him in the church she questioned if she was good enough or pretty enough. She wasn't as smart as he was everything she praying for; a Man of God.

Carrie tried her best to not be of the world and she knew where she had come from and dating him would mean she'd have to give up doing her nails, and wearing bigger clothes. She didn't like that she was curvy but that was how God made her and she had to deal with it. Thinking of him all the time only resulted in her praying and not just because she cared as a human being. Even if she liked a guy in the church she still needed to watch what she did. How she talked. It had to be a daily thing. She understood a lot about going to church and why God died on the cross for her sins. What if that were her instead? Most of the time when she prayed she felt defeated even before she prayed. other times she felt God and the power radiating from what he said or showed her. Everything God would say was more of a question to her about a certain person in the church. What was she supposed to tell them? How could God try and them not care? How were they supposed to listen to her but not him? It didn't make sense.

It was a stupid question but in her eyes, if God said anything to her she would've listened; Especially if it were her life. Carrie didn't want to set herself up for failure but for success. The question she wanted to ask her youth was why couldn't they listen to God when God speaks to them. She felt like she already knew their answer as that would lead to " We do." She could only hear the sarcasm as well as the judgment.

Carrie sang to God no matter how she felt. " She didn't know that his hands had hung the moon and stars and on a hill called mount Calvary they stretched out his hands and they nailed him to a tree and forever he would bare the scars to show how much he loved you and me. What happened to his hands?"

By the end, she only felt pure peace. Did God know that she cared even though half the time she couldn't see? Could he hold her as she cried? Carrie could only imagine herself as a mother and she felt it again as the vision only played out like a nightmare. She only screamed out " No!" and grabbed her stomach in fear. " NO God." The peace was still there as was the love in her heart. She didn't like the vision as the only thing she knew to do was pray and seek after God. The night after She had gotten to church early thinking before she got out of her SUV. What would her church think of her if she actually said anything about everything God said and showed her? They'd only judge and criticize her. It's not what she wanted but that's why she knew she'd have to keep it bottled up; even though she had it written down.