Not clean anymore

It was Christmas Day and she was feeling great in the morning. Her family opened presents and she got everything she wanted. She was in a really good mood. Later on in the day she saw the news. Apparently someone had been arrested for r*pe. This brought up bad memories of her childhood.

'She was asking for help begging even, this was when her brother inappropriately touched her. His fingers actually went inside and when he was done, he left the room laughing.

'N-no. This, this isn't real. That's right, this is just a dream. She pinched herself but it was much to her despair that she was awake. She wasn't dreaming. Just then a tear rolled out, and then another one. Soon they were streaming down her face. She hugged her legs. Eyes wide, still in shock. 'Why? First it was physical abuse now it's sexual abuse.' She thought trembling. She quickly closed and locked the door. No one can know. After that he continued doing the abuse. That was all it took for her to go crazy. It finally stopped when she was in 5th grade, but she was already traumatized. Whenever someone touched her she would say "please don't touch me, I don't like it."

Deep inside she thought 'who could love a girl whose not clean?' So she stayed away from everyone. Pushing them away. She put a lock on her heart, chained it up and put walls all around it. This was she would never be hurt like that again. First it was her sister now it was her brother. Who else was going to hurt her? This thought always was in her head. Every wrong action she would think the worst. 'They're going to hurt me. They're trying to manipulate me.

She pushed everyone away. Until she was utterly alone.'

Once that memory surfaced in her head she was no longer in a good mood the rest of the day. She tried her best to hide it… because she didn't want to ruin Christmas. It wouldn't be her fault. No, never.

She went to her aunts house but she couldn't concentrate on the fun everyone else was saying. She wanted to die. She didn't want to be here. Why does she have to live? Why do the people who hurt her say that, she can't hurt herself? They wanted her dead but now that she was ready to kill herself they prevented her from doing it. Why? She asked herself this question, but she had no answer to it.

The day was ending and she got home. The voices in her head were belittling her. Telling her to give up. No. She couldn't give up, not now. She had someone who depended on her. Someone who loved her the most. She knew the pain of being left behind. She didn't want her cat to experience it as well. Her cat loved her even though she wasn't clean. Everyone else judged her, but not miku.

It was time to go to bed and she grabbed her razor and went into the bathroom. She listed the razor to her arm but hesitated. In the end she decided not to do it but instead just lay down and sleep. She knew that she would have a nightmare and was correct.

*Nightmare*

"Help me! Please!" A little girl was screaming through sobs, but everyone looked at her like she was disgusting. "No! No! I'm not dirty! I'm promise!" But everyone said otherwise.

They said harshly "you know you are. Stop pretending." This was it. The girl went crazy and started screaming, saying "I'm not dirty, I can't be!" Everyone just looked at her like she was a piece of trash. Then they walked away. She cried saying "please, please, don't leave me! I need someone by my side!"