TO MY MOM

It certainly was a nice day.

If I end up ruining it for you, I apologize.

The tears continue to pour across the page.

that I have written you.

The suicide note is what you will find.

What am I even doing here?

Why do you insist I remain alive?

I wasted time composing this letter to prevent the impression that I went without saying goodbye.

I feel like I can no longer take this.

Why do I have to accept anything you say?

my existence? transforming for the better?

You have no idea how lonely I feel.

You have no idea what it's like to be so fucking broken.

You have no idea how I am feeling.

And I wish you will.

Even if I did tell you how I felt, though, you wouldn't understand.

Mom, when I was inside of you, weren't you once suicidal?

Why then do I receive unfair treatment in society?

Why are you one of the decent people while I'm shunned everywhere else?

They continue to call me this,

Mentally unwell individual, wasn't she diagnosed with schizophrenia in India? Who would want to be with a psycho, maybe her delusions are getting worse again—wasn't that why she claimed to have been raped or otherwise abused? Lifeless toy who only pleases men, a fatty ass who never fits in with society, mentally unstable, she should be ashamed of who she thinks she is, you are just a shitty person, and so on.

You don't even acknowledge how angry I am. Why would I tell you anything that you wouldn't understand?

I desire to leave this world behind,

Do you know how embarrassing is it for me to even leave the house, upload a new song to YouTube, or utilize social media?

Honestly, Mom, do you even realize how hurt I am?

I wish you would.

In any case, is there no point?

Even if you could, what would you do?

Absolutely nothing...