Princy_Prince2

I have yet to start preparing for my demise. BUT I'VE DUG GROUNDS IN MY MIND FOR THESE GRAVES. In an effort to prevent anyone from seeing me the way I see myself; I try not to scream while holding my mouth shut while I sob myself to sleep.

I WORK HARD TO GET AWAY FROM THESE BRUTILIZING THOUGHTS, BUT THE MORE I WORK AT IT, THE HARDER IT BECOMES. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this never-ending living hell. A MAZE THAT TWISTS MY GUT, HOWEVER, HAS NO ESCAPE.

I WORK DAILY TO BE OKAY AND TO GET BETTER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. However, at the end of the day, suicide is all I can think about. 

SUICIDE AND HAPPINESS... 

They just seemed to fit in perfect harmony for some strange reason.

SUICIDAL HAPPINESS

Those waves of laughter and embarrassment, the sound of the bouncing ball, the door knock that wakes me up, those kids are laughing as if I'm nothing and asking me to be their buddy. Why is this occurring once more? Have I not endured enough? Why won't you give up? I feel like I'm being pursued for a crime that I didn't commit.


These issues are difficult to manage, and I no longer even have the desire to leave the house. I want to stay inside my shell. There is no point in complaining to someone who won't even comprehend what I am going through, therefore I don't want to socialize, hang out, or even talk to anyone about what's happening.


These days, I feel like 30 mg of Prozac is insufficient to treat my severe anxiety. Sometimes I feel like taking too many drugs, but what would that accomplish? In neither case is my life becoming better.


As these voices get louder and louder, I start crying. I wish there was some way to stop this terrible conflict inside of me, but there isn't.


Change, however, ultimately takes time. And I need to stop putting my safety at risk by having undesirable ideas. Everybody is different. Both you and I are not the same. I am what I am. And as much as I want to pretend to be someone else so that I may show everyone.


I am aware that I am odd and solitary, but at my core, I am a person. I don't care if you agree with it or not; I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I've had enough of playing the popular person. In certain ways, I am special. If you want to leave my life, I will open the door for you. If you don't like me, please leave.


Smaller initiatives might sometimes pave the way for a better future.


My future is not yet decided, yet it exists.


INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS