Princy_Prince2

I have yet to start preparing for my demise. BUT I'VE DUG GROUNDS IN MY MIND FOR THESE GRAVES. In an effort to prevent anyone from seeing me the way I see myself; I try not to scream while holding my mouth shut while I sob myself to sleep.

I WORK HARD TO GET AWAY FROM THESE BRUTILIZING THOUGHTS, BUT THE MORE I WORK AT IT, THE HARDER IT BECOMES. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this never-ending living hell. A MAZE THAT TWISTS MY GUT, HOWEVER, HAS NO ESCAPE.

I WORK DAILY TO BE OKAY AND TO GET BETTER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. However, at the end of the day, suicide is all I can think about. 

SUICIDE AND HAPPINESS... 

They just seemed to fit in perfect harmony for some strange reason.

SUICIDAL HAPPINESS

I guess blood sheds always happen during a battle. In the end, after the battle is over Everyone seems to be happy and but I am lost with no track, should I stay or start to pack? Guilt is killing me on the inside, I am left with no joy.


I just feel dead on the inside. Anxiety is killing me leaving no breath in me, stabbing me till it is satisfied.  It has been two days since I have taken my medicines.  I want to Kill Myself.


But I will stay alive in this pain Only for God.


I do not want to be like Judas who betrayed God. I love him even if I do not show it. God is my priority even if I do not tell or do it in action. Because God was and is there when no one else was there for me to date.


I want to see God always smile even if he is disappointed in me or upset because of me...


I want and need God to smile even when I am in deep pain which I know only he can heal and mend in this broken heart and mind of mine.


I wish I came home, God. I miss you and I love you.


But you are right no love in this world can be compared to your love.


A LETTER TO GOD - 5/07/2020