Princy_Prince2

I have yet to start preparing for my demise. BUT I'VE DUG GROUNDS IN MY MIND FOR THESE GRAVES. In an effort to prevent anyone from seeing me the way I see myself; I try not to scream while holding my mouth shut while I sob myself to sleep.

I WORK HARD TO GET AWAY FROM THESE BRUTILIZING THOUGHTS, BUT THE MORE I WORK AT IT, THE HARDER IT BECOMES. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this never-ending living hell. A MAZE THAT TWISTS MY GUT, HOWEVER, HAS NO ESCAPE.

I WORK DAILY TO BE OKAY AND TO GET BETTER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. However, at the end of the day, suicide is all I can think about. 

SUICIDE AND HAPPINESS... 

They just seemed to fit in perfect harmony for some strange reason.

SUICIDAL HAPPINESS

I have the love of my life, I have a family, I have God and I have everything I ever needed.


Was I always this way or was it just me pushing people away that makes me do sad most of the time?


I can't remember the last time I was purely happy. With no remorse or pain. Like today.


I can't even remember why I even feel so fucking sad. I am so broken no matter how hard I try to stay alive.


I want to be normal like people. I want to stay and have a future but my heart is so heavy with despair and hatred to leave this world behind as though every single person had perished me out of this planet.


Why am I this broken? It's been more than a decade and I still have no fucking answers to why am I ever feeling this way?


Why me!? What did I ever do wrong to suffer so much? Why am I feeling this empty void of suffering and pain?


I wish I was a child again, with no memories of even having this life cause it's so fucking painful to me.


My Love, loves me so much, but I am terrified he's gonna leave one day. The fact that scares me so much is hidden parents rejecting me. Will he fight for me the way I would fight to be with him? Or will he leave me too?


I want someone to fight for me. To keep me in priority. But is that him? Will he be able to do it?


It breaks my heart thinking about this joy and everything I have just gonna be shattered if his parents say, No.


It hurts so bad. I want him. I never felt this loved by anyone. I want him and I would fight for him no matter what. But I hope he does the same for me one day.


Because I love him more than my heart could breathe. I would commit suicide if he left


I would honestly be tired so so mentally exhausted from people leaving Me behind.


And I won't be able to bear it if he had left Ms behind too.


Because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HE'S MINE!! ❤️


A HEAVY DESPAIR IN MY HEART - 11/07/2023