BROKEN WITHIN - 12/07/2023

As much as I want to breathe with happiness, my heart is just too broken to heal up on its own. I want his help, but I just can't put this burden on him. I don't want to be a murderer to his happiness. I don't want to show him how to hurt or how much I am in pain because I don't want to lose that smile of his.

I want to tell him so much about everything in my mind. But I am terrified of him finding this little girl in me who is trapped within a cage for years. What if he leaves seeing this child who never really found love? Waiting for a knight in shining armor to break her free. Waiting to feel loved and feel safe.

But I am so scared to open up to him or anyone. I trust him a lot and I love him so much, more than my heart could bear.

But there is a tiny part of me that is scared to ask for help. What if he refuses to open that cage? What if he leaves too? What if he leaves me behind like everyone who promised to stay?

What if he leaves and I commit suicide? It won't be his fault for leaving a worthless shit �. Honestly, I would be proud if he did take that decision. He deserves better, better than I could ever give or show. He deserves much more love than I could ever give... Because that's how much I love him and I would do anything if he wants a happier life, including letting go.

I have no one else who cares like he does at this point. Despite being so far away from me, he cares and loves me. I won't forgive myself if I ever let him go. I won't forgive myself again. I forgave myself once and no more.

I love him so much, if he leaves me, my heart would bleed so much that I might pass away just with that pain. Because that's how much I love him but I am just broken within.

Thinking of the possibilities. What if his family doesn't like me and bans him from meeting me it being with me?

What if mom leaves this country sooner than expected, and I can't save up or get a visa to the US, what if we all get to leave this country, will we be begging on the streets? Living on the dirt? No friends? No one? Just so alone?

Maybe I might just pass away being on the streets there with no reputation.

What if all my promises fail, and I can't make it there? And he just stopped waiting and moves on? What will I do?

Why does my heart ache so much? It hurts, Diary. It hurts so much. If I could just talk to him about it, will he get hurt as well or will he be sad as well?

I can't bear that either, I want him to smile and be happy no matter what. I want him to know that I will always love him no matter the distance because I love him so much. So much that my heart bleeds for him, in a good way though.

But I am broken, and I wish I could just muster up some courage and ask him to help me stitch it back together again. I wish I could just ask him for help. I know he's doing his best and trying so hard. But this world broke me so much that I have forgotten how to love or to feel loved.

I want him in my arms, I want him near me. But it's so hopeless to dream of something that is so far out of reach. I want him so badly. I want to lay on his lap or shoulder and cry. I feel so fucking lonely!!!!

I want him so bad and it hurts not having him here. It breaks my heart knowing I am feeling so much pain. I wish he was here. I just wish.

I wish God just granted me to get him here for my birthday. I feel broken as fuck. I wish God just changed my fate from being so poor to fucking rich, so I could meet him and surprise him. I fucking hate this life. I hate myself. I hate it. I hate feeling so fucking lonely. I hate it, God! I hate being this lonely. I hate it...

I wish he was here..... Next to me... For my birthday... That would be my only wish... But how could I be so fucking selfish to trouble him to fly an 18-hour flight? His parents will kill him. Poor thing. I don't want him to regret his decision of meeting me.

I hate it... I hate being so lonely.

I guess some things can never be said. Just a smile would do. No matter how hard I cry, he won't be coming here. But I would travel the world for him only if I had the money too. I hate crying this way.

So dear diary, listen up!

I am broken as fuck. I am crying so badly that I can barely write this. But I wish we met in reality once on my birthday. It would be the greatest gift I could ever receive.

So, if I don't make it through this year. I want u to promise me, dear diary. you will let him know; I love him so much. So much that my heart bleed so hard for his love but it was too late to hold it in. Because I won't be there.

I love you, dear diary.

Thank u for hearing me out.

I will be okay, I promise.

Goodnight.

July 12, 2023.