Princy_Prince2

I have yet to start preparing for my demise. BUT I'VE DUG GROUNDS IN MY MIND FOR THESE GRAVES. In an effort to prevent anyone from seeing me the way I see myself; I try not to scream while holding my mouth shut while I sob myself to sleep.

I WORK HARD TO GET AWAY FROM THESE BRUTILIZING THOUGHTS, BUT THE MORE I WORK AT IT, THE HARDER IT BECOMES. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this never-ending living hell. A MAZE THAT TWISTS MY GUT, HOWEVER, HAS NO ESCAPE.

I WORK DAILY TO BE OKAY AND TO GET BETTER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. However, at the end of the day, suicide is all I can think about. 

SUICIDE AND HAPPINESS... 

They just seemed to fit in perfect harmony for some strange reason.

SUICIDAL HAPPINESS

Why did u leave me so broken?  What have I ever done to you? Ever since I told your mom about your anxiety pills, u have been so fucking distant. What did I ever deserve to be in this position? Are u willing to let go of 19 years of friendship down the drain?


Have I committed such a terrible crime?


So, all those memories were just a lie? Everything u said as well. It hurts so bad, but u wouldn't understand it, because you have people always around you no matter what.


Whenever I was hospitalized, none of you cared a fuck let alone them but even u.


I was there day and night during our surgery cause I was fucking loyal to be with u no matter what. But none of u people showed that type of love to me.


It wasn't fair they treat u so well, and me a distant freak.


when u used to say, my parents how I was doing mentally. I never questioned you at all. Because I knew u cared for me so much. I thought we were sisters, a family.


But when I did the same about ur anxiety, I was fucking worried. But u overreacted and said u didn't need that care or love or responsibility from me.


You said I had it long term and u weren't that severe but Rach, there is only one meaning to care and I wish u knew that. I loved u so much more than a friend, a family. I loved u like my sister, yet we are from different families.


If u could leave me so bitterly broken, how could I say or think, no one would. Especially us being so close for 18 years.


How could I not think, I wouldn't be abandoned again?


I have no fucking friends here. I have nobody. I have no fucking person here to tell me with a hug that I would be okay.


I HATE YOU SO MUCH, THAT I CAN'T STOP CARING OR LOVING YOU. BECAUSE YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.


I GUESS ITS A CURSE TO BE SO LOYAL DESPITE GETTING SO HURT BY U.


I thought we were the weird ones only and u stuck with it.


But then u changed so much that I barely recognize u. You stopped eating and changed our diet to veg. U were so beautiful being 70 kg but now ur 48 kg. You moved on and I am so proud of you.


I could never give the love u were expecting but I have my best by being so fucking loyal. I gave my everything to u. Leaving my family time behind. And being with u.


But u left me bitterly. The pain I could never forget nor forgive. I hate u so much but I can't stop loving u either. Because I am still so fucking worried about how ur doing there on our own.


Your, not the friendl I once knew. The sister I knew died on April 2022...


You lost a friend, a sister, family member for something better. You gained a lot by leaving me behind and I am proud of you.❣️


And I miss you so much. But I am glad u found someone better. Who could love u more than I could ever give u?


So, dear friend. I am sorry but I have to let go of you... For us.


A FRIEND WHO I ONCE ADORED