(18) how everything will be

It started when Ren was five years old.

He was outside playing hide and seek with his friends at the park after school. It was his turn to be it so he stays huddled under the tree in the middle of the park, his arms over his face counting out loud as all the kids hide here and there.

After counting what he feels like forever, he notices that everyone had already gone quiet, probably settled in their hiding places he thought, so he decides that it’s about time for him to start seeking. He lifts his face up and turns only to find an old man a few feet behind him. His smile sends shivers down his spine.

"Hello there Ren my dear, are you alone?" The man was particularly affectionate towards him, disturbingly so given that he doesn’t even know this person, let alone told this stranger his name. The knife on his hand tells him everything he needed to know.

He remembers fighting back the fear, the tears in his eyes, and looks around for any help he could get from someone, anyone. He spots a friend, hiding in her place, her face says that she is just as frightened as he is, maybe more. She can’t help him, she’s just a kid his age after all. He thought about running, but this man was bigger than him, he would catch him in no time, and who knows what he’ll do then. Glued to his place and all out of options, he felt like he has no choice but to surrender to this man, just thinking about what he might do makes scares him, tears start to fall.

Then he hears a cry. “Get away from him!” He shoots his head up and quickly turns to the direction of the voice. He sees a little girl about his age right behind the old man. She was breathing heavily as if she was running here with all her might. Right along behind her were grown-ups, including his parents and a police officer, to the man’s absolute fear.

The man attempted to escape but was caught in the end.

The girl walks toward him and tells him it’s going to be okay, she smiles warmly at him and like a dam breaking, a rush of relief quickly grows in his chest that soon he wasn’t just tearing up out of fear, but outright sobbing on the reassurance that help arrived.

The girl takes his hand and he remembers thinking how warm her hand was and somehow, it comforted him. She leads him to his parents, who hugs him tightly, protectively. Tenderly. And he knew instantly that he is safe, that he will be okay.

When Ren calmed down, he remembers the little girl earlier and quickly searches for her. He hasn’t thanked her yet, he thinks. Sensing her son stir about, looking left and right around him, his mom pulls him closer to her in a gratified embrace, “Good thing Airi passed by and saw what was happening. Let’s be sure to thank her later.”

At the time, Airi had just moved in the neighborhood a week ago. He hasn’t had the chance to talk to her, mostly because the other kids say that she’s a bit peculiar, weird. Like there was something about her the kids can’t make out so they kept their distance, getting a feel of what she’s really like. It seems to him though that she’s fine without friends, with her being quiet and all. Still, at the time he thought she seemed really nice. After all, a person who goes out of her way to call his parents and the police for help couldn’t be a bad person, he thought. Not to mention how warm her hands and how gentle her smile were.

He thinks he wants to talk to her, get along with her.

He thinks he wants to be her friend.

___________

Ren is greeted by some of the girls on the way to university. He greets them casually, coolly, as he does to everyone who greets him. There was something about the way they smile as they greet him, a small, suggestive curl of the lip that catches a glimpse of their intentions, the real reason why they greet him every day. He pretends to be oblivious and ignores it, proceeding ahead. He sees Nina and the others waiting by the building entrance and walks toward them.

In the second semester, things started to progress faster. Cliques started forming and drinking parties are being hosted here and there. By now, people have an idea of who is who in college, mostly by identifying what this person did, who he knows, and what he was known for. Ren was identified for this reason, as this person known for being quietly kind, the kind of person who smiles and greets people as if it will matter in a day or two. As if they know him, and he them.

He honestly didn’t want to be identified as such, because he knows himself, and he is far cry from being quietly kind. However, it seemed troublesome to just fight what everyone labeled him so in the end he just went along with it. It wasn’t worth the trouble anyway, he thought.

“I’m in!” Nina beams, after hearing another party being hosted tonight. “I don’t have anything to do later anyway.” and looks over at Ren, her eyes pleading, “You’ll come too, right?”

Ren thinks for a while and remembers that he has to do a report later so he should really say no, but against his better judgment, he smiles at her instead, “sure,” he says. She beams and links her arms with his, holding him closer to her.

“Oh, get a room you lovebirds,” Keith comments teasingly behind them. Nina holds his arm tighter and clicks her tongue in his direction, “you’re just jealous!” she replies with a shy laugh. Ren smiles awkwardly and bites his lip, somewhat embarrassed. He still isn't used to Nina's tendency to be openly intimate with him given taht they aren't exactly official yet.

As the people around him talk and bicker, Ren looks away and sees her, ironically just as he was he was starting to think about her. Even with the distance he could still make out her figure, how her hair swayed as she walks, and how he seemed to have memorized certain behaviors of hers that instantly sets her apart from everyone else.

Airi is walking towards the building just beside theirs, probably going to her next class, he guesses. The fact that she was smiling didn’t escape his attention. He had the sudden urge to walk towards her, greet her and talk to her and apologize for what happened that day, hoping to make peace with her.

Nina's arm linked to his pulled him down to reality. It wouldn't be that easy.

That day, after going back to Nina, she confessed that she was the one who called out to Airi, asking her what happened at the bar that night and how Airi answered her promptly, stressing that nothing happened and that Ren has been helpful to her.

“And get this, she even apologized to me!” Nina announced to him, incredulous and in disbelief. It caught her completely off guard, to see that Airi bowing her head, asking forgiveness for everything she’s done to her. She proceeds to describe the unbelievable feeling and wonders how true Airi's words were then.

"Then why were you crying?" came the question. It was a harmful question that impacted her more than he thought.

Her smile suddenly freezes, and he notices the air around her grow strange. She was looking down, hiding her face until she grips the hem of his sleeve and gazes up at him.

"It's just that, being around her reminded me of how she used to bully me back then. Sorry, I didn't want to worry you..." was her reason. And he could only nod at this as if the answer tied up any loose ends it might have. Is that why she was screaming? He wonders.

Nonetheless, the guilt pierces him like a dagger. He thinks about what happened, and how Airi was probably trying to explain herself to him and he, on the peak of his rage and frustrations, was having none of it. He said something that hurt her, terribly. And caused her to make the expression that he made that day.

Since then, Airi has been noticeably quiet and actively avoids him in favor of everything else. He thinks of apologizing soon as he could, tell her how it was wrong of him to still assume the worst of her after all this time. This time, he thinks, he will properly hear her out. Listen to her and let this slide behind them. However, with her guard up, as if a wall was surrounding her, he couldn’t get a chance to speak so much as a single word.

Added to the fact that in the start new semester, he finds out that he no longer shares any class with her, and now sees her less and less. It leaves his apologies hanging. Another hook in his chest he couldn’t shake off.

He notices Airi wave her hand, and he thinks of Zoey, automatically. After all, only Zoey could make her smile like that, as far as he knows.

To his shock, a man meets Airi by the entrance. He was tall and wore these goofy glasses that makes him look like some kind of a researcher who hadn’t got any decent sleep for days. His black hair is carelessly tied behind him in a ponytail and there is also this lazy air around him that makes it seem like he is completely uninterested in everything around him, but contrary to his apathetic demeanor, Airi was smiling at him, speaking as if his disinterest doesn’t bother her in the slightest, like she was used to it.

He goes over his memories, trying to remember if he’s met him before. Airi’s apparent over-familiarity tells him that she has known him for a while. He racks his brain and fails, who is he?

Nina looks over at him and asks what’s wrong, noticing that he has been silent for a while. Ren jerks back to look at her and tells her he’s alright albeit slightly fazed. He turns back to the building entrance and sees that she is no longer there. Probably went inside the building, he supposes, still with the same guy.

Staring over at the place she used to be, he felt a sinking feeling, a sad foreboding. Like seeing something he worked hard to grasp slip easily under his fingers. He feels conflicted, his heart heavy.

Is this how everything will be from now on? He ponders, anxiousness slowly rising in his chest.