(19) he starts walking, backward

Throughout the following months, Ren's memories of Airi didn’t so much as tarnish her as it made her an object of interest that whenever he sees her, he can’t help but follow in her direction in mild curiosity. He eyes her like an interesting research subject, like her change in behavior is a rare environmental phenomenon.

Recently, he’s been seeing her around more than usual. She apparently joined a club of some sort with the same person he saw the other day and a guy she usually hangs out with, Luke or something. He has no idea what it was about but from the looks of it, seems to be a busy one. He sees them walking around, carrying something here and there that honestly, he feels tired just looking at them. However, seeing Airi work hard and push herself somehow fascinates him, or just the idea that this is probably one of the sides of Airi she never shows him.

They have been together growing up— him, Airi and Zoey— from playing outside during weekends to walking to and from school. Even then, he knows Airi treats him especially better than others; she was more kind to him, protective. Loving. It was something even a sibling wouldn’t go so far as to do. He shrugs it though, thinking it was probably because he is prone to being approached by strangers and all kinds of dangers more than others. She never left his side and the other kids would often think badly of her for it.

He peeks inside what he thinks is an empty classroom. Judging from the small size and layout of the room —an old center table and bookshelves lined up on each side— It looks more like an old unused clubroom. He was looking for a place to study in peace since the university library is usually packed at this time, and the thought of the girls greeting, snickering, and giggling behind him distracted him. He didn’t bother dusting the chair and just sits on it.

Thinking about it now, when they started middle school, everything went adrift. He, with his better academic record, was put in a different class with kids on his level and they on theirs, together. The separation meant that the other students were free to approach, talk and get close to him without Airi coming in between them. This was the time where he was flooded by love letters, being called out behind the school and confessions of love from various girls he had no idea even existed.

He was drained, and exhausted almost every day and it affected his studies, his obligations and even his personal life. It honestly drove him insane. And after not seeing her for weeks, Airi suddenly came to visit him. She hugged him, gently caressing the back of his head gently, and said that it’ll be okay, with that usual warm smile she would show him.

Then it stopped. The girls started to keep a safe distance, and the confessions come rarely that soon even the people who confessed to him also kept their distance.

He was wary at first, but the sense of relief overwhelmed his suspicions. He didn’t even want to think about what Airi probably did to alleviate his problems, he refused to.

On the window, he spots Luke walking with Airi tiredly trailing behind him. He was making gestures, encouraging Airi to go faster. Eventually she picks up the pace and catches up to him, smiling as if he said something funny. He watches them walk together. Observing Airi made him realize that she can smile to someone—anyone, effortlessly. Genuinely. It somewhat irks him to think that when it came to him, she looks as cautious as a stray cat.

The door opens, “so here you are!” Nina says, peeking from the door and to him. She walks to him, somewhat merrily and wraps her arms around his neck, embracing him from behind tightly, lovingly, with her head resting cozily on the nook of his neck,. “What were you doing here?”

Ren glances at her, “just hanging out here,” he answers, unsure if he should return her embrace, but that would mean shifting her too and that would be awkward, he thought. He decides to leave it as is. “How did you find me?”

Nina lets out a shy giggle, “I heard some girls talking about how they saw you around here, so I sort looked around.” Her cute giggles turn into a playful snicker as she moves her hands to his face and turns him, so he faces her, eye to eye. “I thought about calling your phone, but it seemed more fun to just look for you.” She inches closer to him.

“You know those girls earlier were praising you, saying what a perfect guy you are. Handsome, smart and all.” she says, a coy smile playing on her lips. At this distance, he can make out the freckles in her face as she leans in closer that it almost rattles him.

They start kissing, her lips are really soft and sweet, he could almost taste her cherry flavored lip balm mixed with the smell of her perfume. Impulsively, he shifts and wraps his arms on her waist, he could feel how warm and soft she is as their kisses go deeper. She straddles him, messing up his hair. It feels nice, he thinks. No one would ever imagine Nina, who is known to be this kind and innocent girl could be this bold.

He thinks of how it all started. It was after school one day, just the two of them alone in a classroom. Nina approached him and asks if he was okay and he just nods quietly, looks up at her and immediately sees the bandages, plain to see as it takes up almost half of her forehead. He thought about the scar it will cause on her face once it was fully healed and how it will never be the same for her again. How traumatized she would be. All because of Airi pushing her down the stairs, consumed by rage and jealousy. He blames himself.

Somewhere along his apparent despondency over their situation and Airi’s sudden unannounced transfer made Nina grow increasingly frustrated out of concern for him; and her, at her wit’s end, ends up kissing him. A simple peck on the lips, soft and firm against him, but it was enough to make his mind blank that all he could think about was Nina’s lips on his.

After a while she steps back, withdrawing from the kiss and he looks up at her, her face flushed and her expression transparent. This brings a sudden rush of excitement to him as he feels his body heat up that it somehow disturbs him, makes him realize how hormonal a guy can be despite his inner turmoil. They stay locked in their position, fixated on each other. And under the setting sun behind them, they kiss again.

They have kissed plenty of times since then (some more than others) mostly on empty classrooms or clubrooms like this one. She suggests they keep this relationship a secret though, since they aren’t dating, at least not yet officially, saying to take things slow for now.

How is this taking it slow though? He thinks mockingly to himself as he coaxes her tongue in his mouth.

Eventually, he pulls away and looks at her, her lips all swollen and her cheeks flushed. Her eyes are teary as she looks back at him that he could almost make out his own reflection. Her stares are hot, seductive. Loving. As if he’s the only person in the world who matters, his chest tightens uncomfortably at the thought.

“We should head out to out next class soon.” He finds himself saying. She nods with a smile, still recovering from the kiss earlier.

He stands up “I’ll wait for you outside,” he says as he gathers his things, thinking of heading to the toilet first and he heads out. He looks out and sees Airi walking back, only this time, she is alone. Her expression is solemn, clearly deep in thought, completely unaware of her existence. And as if through telepathy, he sees her look up in his direction, on the other side of the window.

He could see that she saw him as well, that her eyes reflected his image clear with that expression, the expression she makes when she deeply regrets something. Without warning, something quivers at the pit of his stomach and he opens his mouth as if to say something, when she turns away and moves along awkwardly, as if she had never seen him in the first place.

His shoulders drop, of course, he thought. This isn't the first time she's ignored him after all (it seemed worse than before if you ask him) whether it was because of what happened or some other reason he doesn't know. It doesn't make everything any less okay though.

He continues watching her and sees how conscious she is, clearly still aware of him. She continues to walk awkwardly, her arms swaying unnaturally in sync with her feet like a robot, then she starts dashing, running towards the building like her life depended on it. He smiled a bit at this, but at the same time wondered, this is a person who's done something not even he could imagine, something unforgivable.

And here she was, being distantly vulnerable to him, meek and awkward. Disliked. He has the upper-hand, being favored and popular. Why he could go up and humiliate her and ruin her in front of everyone and they would still take his side without batting an eye. He could so much more.

And yet, despite the upper-handand the opportunities in front of him, he continues to watch her, like witnessing a wallflower detach itself from its palisade.