(20) like a dam breaking.

Recently, Ren has been feeling lethargic, exhausted. Indifferent. He sees the hours passing by and instead of resisting, he just goes through the motions. Wake up, get dressed, go to school, go home, study and sleeps. He realizes that he was starting to live the life of a typical engineering student, a complete contrast to how Nina and Keith have been living it every night.

Every day had been all about school for the past months thanks to Analog Electronics. Every night would be all about studying circuitry and signals if not other relevant subjects. His plate was so full that other things took a back seat in favor of maintaining his scholarship for another semester.

So when Nina suggested making everything official, it took another few minutes to take every word in.

"I want to finally be able to tell everyone about us.” She says.

No more beating around the bush and finally just announce themselves as a couple. He and her together, as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a sudden proposition that catches him off guard as he was finishing his report that was due tomorrow, all the flowing ideas in his head disappears, replaced by a proposition he never expected from her any time soon considering it was all her idea to keep things as is, nice and simple, until they (she) were ready.

He remembered suggesting they officially go out after being invited to her home for the first time back in high school. He had an inkling of what was going to happen the moment he agreed and wanted to make something clear between them before taking everything to the next level. It was something he got from his mom and how she would always say to respect women and their decisions. He decided to make everything clear once he entered her home.

However, when she wrapped her hands over his shoulder and pulled him into a deep kiss, led him to her bedroom he lost all opportunity and was naturally drawn into her pace.

______________________

“I like to keep it as is.”

Was her casual answer to his proposition as she sits on the edge of her bed, buttoning her blouse. She says this simply, naturally that Ren didn’t know how to react or what he should feel. Was this the norm in their generation? Was this what his parents always feared he’d do? Like a fog clearing, he found himself relaxing and lays back down on her bed. This must be that friends with benefits he kept hearing about, he realizes. Keeping relationships casual and playing on the blurred lines they drew against each other. “Is that what you want?” He says finally.

She pauses for a while as if considering this and shrugs. “I don’t know, it seemed better that way. With everything that’s happened,” she adds almost bitterly. And predictably, she hears a creak on the bed and turns to Ren now sitting back up. He had this look as if she had said something that seemed to set him off, anxious and worried. It didn’t fail to stir something inside her, melting her heart and at the same time bringing about a sense of possessiveness inside her.

She realizes, bitterly, that this was her grip on him.

She stands up, decides to get something to drink. “I’m kidding,” she tries to brush it off, “you don’t need to do this out of obligation. It wasn’t your fault.”

She heads to the door. “I’m the one who invited you in after all.” She adds almost in a whisper. The door closes shut and leaves him contemplating everything that happened so far, wondering what she is thinking and him for even agreeing to keep an ambiguous relationship like this in the first place. He feels conflicted.

He breathes in and looks around her room, thinks that it’s so much girly than he thought it was since this is Nina he’s talking about. After all, unlike the other girls, she rarely wears any make-up. She has this image of being that popular girl next door who seemed to look better without make-up.

Airi’s room wasn’t this girly, he couldn’t help but compare. It mostly consisted of books and her weird collection of bonsai trees that almost occupied her windows and her center table. Her mom kept telling her to take them outside however she was oddly against it, saying she feels comfortable having them around her. She was strangely persistent about it that it was almost funny, he couldn’t help but reminisce.

It’s been close to a year since Airi transferred schools. Not that he's counting the months. There were just so many loose ends that it left him at a standstill, left with all these questions in his head. There was no use pestering Zoey for it either since she avoids him like the plague. He can’t pin everything on her though, since for a few months before Airi's transfer, he didn’t have the heart to talk to her, after what he did to Nina.

Until—

“So, what do you say?” Nina says, her eyes briming with positive anticipation and it baffles him why thinks of saying no. This is Nina he’s talking about! The person he once thought he has fallen in love with, the person he always wanted to be with. Even Airi used to point out to him (albeit bitterly) how he used to always talk about her.

This is something he wanted.

Wasn’t it?

It could just be the exhaustion, he reasons with himself as he manages a nod, affirming her expectations. She beams, lounging herself at him for a loving embrace. “I’m so glad you waited for me.”

He returns it and holds her tighter as if trying to revive something within himself. Exhaustion. It's just the exhaustion.

She breaks away from the embrace, smiling brightly. “I can’t wait to tell everyone!” She grins like a child rejoicing and he smiles despite himself.

“I wonder what everyone will think,” Nina tries to imagine, “I bet it won’t change anything though, since it always seemed like we were going out.” She laughs a bit at this. He stares up at the sky and breathes in, letting the recent events settle like a rock in his stomach.

The word spreads out and everyone starts congratulating them, particularly their close friends. Keith comments "finally!" and they all laugh. Ren laughs back but it comes out forced and dry he hoped none of his friends would notice. They never did, and he wonders why somehow it only made him feel worse.

__________________

His class just ended and he was just about to head to the library to finish up a project. He walks the hallways distracted, one of the girls he passed by greeted him shyly which made him think how innocent and docile she seemed. He greeted her back a bit more confidently this time and when he hears her giggle and squeal with her friends, her image comes crashing down. He feels worn down.

Turning to the intersection, he felt himself smash against something that he leans back, and in the wake of his realization of what just happened, he could make out a familiar silhouette. He was quick to react and reached out, grabbing Airi’s waist before she fell to the ground.

They meet eyes and immediately, he felt her freeze for a moment before, in a panic, composing herself and apologizing, all without even so much as looking in his direction. She appeared to be distracted herself, he can’t blame her though with all the running and errands she did the whole day. She looks exhausted and overworked, the dark circles under her eyes didn’t escape his notice either. Whatever she was doing better be worth it for her to look this haggard, he thought.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too.” He says with the gentlest voice he could muster, anything to put her at ease. Even then, she still has trouble meeting his eyes. She looks like a kicked puppy, with all this tiredness looming over her. She excuses herself and in a panicked hurry, ends up stumbling at her feet. Ren extends his arms, attempting to catch her when Airi manages to save herself, holding onto the railing of the hanging bulletin board to steady herself.

“I’m fine. I’m okay” she says in a strangely serious tone, as if she was talking to herself instead of him. And it hits him again, seeing Airi struggle like this makes him realize that he never knew her at all.

He then felt his left arm being yanked behind him, “Sorry to keep you waiting Ren!” Nina says, linking his left arm with hers. She follows his eyes and sees Airi and for a moment Nina froze, although not enough for Ren to notice.

“Hey there Airi,” she greets her. He looks back at her, confused by her strangely friendly behavior.

“You don’t look so good, are you okay?” she looks back at Nina and smiles, saying she’s fine.

"If anything, you seemed to look a lot worse." Airi musters, glancing at Ren and back. He becomes acutely aware of the fact that she must be talking about him.

"Oh I feel fine, don't worry." Nina shrugs it off with an appreciative smile before helping her up, all the while talking about this and that and Nina being this generally friendly person and Airi being her usual awkward self. He sees her smile which seemed to set something off inside him.

“Since when did you two become so close?” He asks Nina, his voice sounding more irritated than he means to.

“We met before and I told her I forgive her, I’ll tell you all the details later,” Nina whispers, reassuring him that everything was okay, that she is okay. And this is supposed to reassure him, puts him at ease, but it wasn't it, far from it because this isn't about that and it frustrates him because it should. He wants to storm off and cool himself, thinks about what he is really feeling. He feels immature, and unreasonable, like a child in the midst of throwing a tantrum. And he doesn't even want to acknowledge it.

It perplexes him to think that something like seeing Airi smiling and talking normally to Nina and not to him is making him this frustrated.

He breathes in and looks over to Airi, still leaning by the walls, his expression unreadable. He feels his frustration boiling over, swallowing him whole. He walks over to her and takes her, lifting her up in one swift move, carrying her in his arms. He instantly felt how thin she was. She’s too light, he thought, wondering if she was eating enough recently. He sees her face color to a new shade in fright and shock. She immediately recoils, trying to get away from him in haste but he holds her tighter, keeping her from struggling. Airi felt the pressure on his grip and looks over at him, angry and every bit confused, her face asking what is he doing. To be fair, he doesn’t know either.

“Let go of me.” She demanded. He ignores it and begins walking.

“I’ll take you to the clinic.” He says quietly.