chapter 5

Trigger warning! Suicide Attempt

Waking up yet again with cold sweat and gasping for breath, once more terrorized by phantoms who now hunt me. It became all too certain that I would never again have the same peaceful sleep as before

.

I walked into the kitchen, this time there was no smoke, probably because no one was trying to cook. Simply put, Uncle Duncan wasn't even home. He probably left for work. I looked around the kitchen, hanging off the fridge was a bright pink sticky note which read.

"Woke up early, gone to work. Sorry. See you soon

breakfast in the fridge"

I rolled my eyes opening the fridge. In the back of my mind, I wondered how he felt about this. Suddenly having to care for a 16-year-old. No wonder he left so early. The 'breakfast' he prepared was edible but... it looked desperate to be eaten. Like it knew how unappetizing it was but was still desperate to be put in a person's mouth. It was sad.

Breakfast was boiled potatoes and eggs. Yep, and he somehow managed to burn the potatoes. At this point, I felt like he left early due to embarrassment. Honestly, I think I should just tell him to leave the cooking to me.

After eating and cleaning up the place I left alone with my thoughts. Without realizing it I had walked to the knife drawer and was holding an oddly shiny and sharp serrated knife.

What's the point of living anymore? They're gone.

But I have Uncle Dun.

Oh really? Where is he then? His just being nice. He probably blames you for this.

What?! no, I-it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could do.

Really? You could have stayed with them. Live together, die together. That's family!

But, but, he told me to run.

He was scared! Just trying to put on a brave face for his sister. Think how afraid he must have been. alone watching you leave him behind. You betrayed him!

No, no...

Yes D, yes I guess mother was right. You are a Devil and a heartless one at that.

No! please I'm sorry. It was my fault. My fault I should have stayed, helped, and been with them till the end.

Yeah, you should have, but it's not too late. Just end it right now and we can all be together again.

End it? Yes, yes you're right.

I wasn't in control. My mind and body are controlled by some other entity. I watched as my hands griped The knife and moved it closer and closer to my abdomen. I was going to die. Kill myself and I didn't really feel bad about it. I was hopeful, but just as I was going to deal the death blow, an unimaginable fear gripped me. It was like someone was glaring into my soul, warning me to not dare. I dropped the knife. It nicked my foot when it fell but that wasn't the issue.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. Then the voice came back.

Oh? I guess you're a coward too.

That broke me, I was curled up in a ball, but I wasn't crying. I just stayed there, shivering from the cold tile floor. Knife long abandoned on the floor. Cut on my foot left unattended too and bleeding.

I don't know how long I stayed like that, I'm pretty sure that I fell asleep but I didn't want to wake up. It was so peaceful, with no nightmares or shadows.

Suddenly I felt something shaking me. Pulling and pushing my shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw my uncle. Eyes covered in tears. Looking completely terrified.

"D, D are you okay, what happened?"

I didn't register anything he said, instead I started my own rambling.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I couldn't do it. I tried but I couldn't do it"

"Tried what? I don't. I don't get it."

"I-I wanted to go be with them. I tried but I couldn't. I'm a coward. I betrayed them."

Uncle Duncan was silent. I looked up to see why and immediately regretted it. His eyes were dark and dangerous looking. Scary. Then out of nowhere his grip on my shoulder tightened. Fingernails threatening to break the skin.

"D! WHAT DID YOU TRY TO DO?".

The question was asked so coldly. I didn't even get a chance to answer before a was practically flung onto the tabletop. He was still gripping my shoulders.

'"Killing yourself?!.. You tried to kill yourself. Are you insane!" he sounded so angry but at the same time, he was crying. I could feel his hands trembling and he placed his head on my chest.

"D, please- I need you, what happened to them... It was awful but..." at this point he had lifted his head and was steering right into my red eye, his almost as red not from anger but the intensity of his tears. His eyes weren't angry or blaming...they were pleading.

" But you survived D. D-David, you said he asked you to run. You didn't betray him. He wanted you safe and now you are. We are in this together. You-you are safe with me. You can't just...D"

I was honestly shocked. my big, strong, grumpy uncle, breaking down in tears, pouring his heart out because what? I tried to kill myself. I felt...cereal. Having some other than my family worry or cry for me. It made me happy, and feel stupid at the same time.

"I-I'm sorry," I said. My voice came out so quiet that I wondered if he even heard me. I guess he did because his grip loosened, but it still hurt. We just stayed like that in silence for I don't know how long.

None of us brought up what happened again. We just settled down and ate dinner which uncle dun had so mercifully bought.

" Hey D, you know I went to the store today".

"Oh"

" Yeah, I bought some clothes and other stuff for the funeral and in general. I'm not sure about your size or if I got the right stuff so you should probably check them out."

" Oh ok," I said plainly

"D?"

"Yes"

" You aren't going to try that again... right?"

At that I stilled and thought for a moment, then I smiled." No, never." Then I looked up at him before continuing. " You need me right?"

I didn't miss the blush on his face. It was probably his first time saying something so heartfelt.

Before bed, we went through the thing he bought. Surprisingly he got most of the right stuff. The clothes were my style and size and he even got the essentials. Sanitary pads I mean. When I took them out he averted his eyes. I wondered how he felt buying them. It would have been an interesting sight. the last thing was a pair of sunglasses, which touched me.

" So you don't feel uncomfortable at the funeral," he said still avoiding eye contact.

This was Uncle Duncan. Kind, gentle...and most of all- thoughtful

"Thank you"