Akaashi 2

"Are you okay, Akaashi?" Tenma-san Asked when I went to his apartment to get the manuscript from him. He's one of the manga artists that I'm assigned to and, even though I want to be in the literature department, I'm enjoying my department now.

I tried to hide my misery by smiling at him fakely. I nod before telling him a lie that most of the people I know tend to believe.

"I'm okay. I'm just sleep-deprived lately." I answered before thanking him for the coffee he handed me.

Although Tenma-san looked unconvinced, he didn't ask again anyway and let us get down to business. I tried to be as attentive as I can be but, because of sleep deprivation and thoughts of Bokuto-san's rendezvous with the love of his life, I couldn't get all of what Tenma-san is saying that made the latter called my name to get my attention.

"Akaashi? Are you sure you're okay?" He asked with a worried look on his face that somehow makes me want to lower my guard and take off this mask I'm wearing.

But in the end, I apologized and lied again that I'm okay so we can continue our meeting. It seems that Tenma-san sensed that something's bothering me so, he ended our meeting rather quickly so I can go back to the office to drop off the manuscript and go home early since he's the only one I'm scheduled for today.

I hated myself for being unprofessional today but, I couldn't help it. I feel like my head is going to explode because of the disturbing thoughts lingering in my mind. The thought of Bokuto-san and Yukie having fun somewhere is making me anxious.

I have those what if's in mind that I can't stop thinking of.

What if he changed his mind and left me so he could be with her?

What if right now they're planning to go somewhere far to run away from me?

What if she asked him to get back together?

And If she does, I know that I can't stop him from leaving me. I know he will do it. After all, Bokuto-san is still so in love with her even now.

"Akaashi!"

Before I could enter the building to our office, I saw Konoha waiting outside as if he's been there the whole time that I was out. He looked troubled when he saw my state.

Who won't be? Even I knew that I changed a lot since Yukie came back. I got thinner in just three months coz most of the time, I don't have an appetite to eat. And sometimes, I even vomited what I ate. I have bags under my eyes because of sleep deprivation made not by my work but made by overthinking. But unfortunately, Bokuto-san doesn't notice it even though we're living together. Or maybe he does notice it but chooses to ignore it since it's my fault for making him stay with me.

Stay with the person he hated the most.

"What do you want? I still have work to do." I said the coldness in my voice is visible. I'm still mad at him for telling Bokuto-san the truth. For telling him what we did that ruined his relationship with his beloved Yukie.

"If you don't have something to say, just leave already." I was about to go inside when he grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving. He has a pissed look on his face probably, because of the way I treated him but, I don't care.

"Do you even look at yourself in the mirror? Look what this stupidity of yours made you! Akaashi, you should stop your foolishness! If he didn't learn to love you then, he would not love you now! Stop ruining yourself even more than this!" He said with full of spite in his voice towards Bokuto-san that made me laugh wryly.

"And who do you think is the one who caused me this pain? Who is the one who makes me stop sleeping peacefully at night? If you just shut your mouth or stop meddling with my life, none of this will happen! We were happy, Konoha. I don't mind that he can't love me back. I am already happy with just being with him. But you ruined it! My lies piled up because of you! It's your fault that I'm in this pain so, stop preaching when you were the reason why I'm in this hell." I said with my voice full of hatred that made him have a hurt expression.

"Do you even know why? Do you ever ask yourself why I'm doing this? Does it even crossed your mind why I want you to stop prolonging the pain he's giving you?" Asked Konoha with a painful look on his face but, I just looked at him coldly. Because other than hatred, I don't feel anything for him.

"Whatever your reason is, I don't know. I don't care. So please leave me alone or else, I'll forget that we were once friends." I said in a cold voice before pulled away from his grasp and left him.

I thought that he will shut his mouth but he didn't stop there, instead he slapped me with the truth that keeps on haunting me every night since I started dating Bokuto-san.

"Yukie is Bokuto's world. She was and always be."

The truth that crushed my heart into tiny bits, making it hard for me to breathe. But I won't let him have the satisfaction to see how painful that truth is, so I smiled when I looked back at him. The smile that I've been giving to everyone who thought my relationship with Bokuto-san is perfectly happy. A fake smile that I'm used to giving now.

"I know. But him not leaving my side is enough. I can tolerate the pain simply because of the reason that I love him." I said and left him without heeding his calls.

I went to the nearest comfort room right after I handed the manuscript to my boss, and like what always happens when I didn't eat anything, I vomited bile. I laughed painfully as tears escaped in my eyes when I remembered Konoha's words.

He's right that I'm just trying to prolong the pain. Nevertheless, I can't give up this love of mine that easy even if it hurts so much. I have been loving Bokuto-san for so long that I tend to ignore the pain of being neglected and hated by him.

I'm used to it...

To the feeling of falling apart because of falling in love with him.

I'm used to it...

To the endless pain, loneliness, and suffering.

I'm used to it...

To hear that he can't love me the way I do.

I'm used to it...

To the disgusted look, he always gave me when he finally got to know the truth.

I'm used to it...

To hear him call her name in his sleep.

I'm used to it.

That's why I'm barely hanging on while wishing that someday, he will finally look at me. That someday, he will finally see me.

The me who loves him so dearly.

But I guess that wishes are working only for righteous people, unlike me. They only worked for that lovely couple at my favorite café with their hands clasped while staring at each other's eyes and a sweet smile plastered on their lips.

My vision suddenly blocked by a pair of hands just when I finally met Bokuto-san's eyes while Yukie is still holding his hand.

"I told you to stop, Akaashi. Let him be happy with the person he loves." Konoha whispered in anguish behind me before he made me turn around and hug me tight.

I pushed Konoha and walked away from that place. I feel like I'm numbed now with the pain. I just walked and won't even look back to Konoha who kept on calling my name. I have gone deaf. As if all my senses stopped working all at once.

Even when the rain starts pouring hard, I keep on walking with no destination in mind. And every step I take my memories together with him, flash in my mind like a movie clip.