Akaashi 3

When was it that I fell in love with Bokuto-san? I guess it is cliché to say that I just woke up one day with my soaked underwear after dreaming being beneath him all naked and full of his marks. That's when I first realized, Bokuto Koutarou is the center of my affection now.

I'm gay. I know it since middle school that I'm not normal. Because when my friends back then always talk about the cute girls in another class, what I had in mind is that the naughtiest guy in our class is cuter than those girls they talked about.

Of course, I hide it. I'm aware that I can be ostracized if I voiced that one out. That's why I'm so careful even until high school where I met this horned owl who is so hyper when it comes to volleyball.

I'm actually irritated to Bokuto-san sometimes. But whenever he tells me that my tosses are the best, I couldn't control this irrational beating of my heart. Until one night, he finally made a mess in my dreams when he slept over to my house.

He is just a friend. Bokuto-san is supposed to be just a friend.

If only he wasn't the first one who accepted me for being gay.

If only I didn't feel this annoying jittery whenever our bodies touched.

If only I won't have this deafening heartbeat when he laughs.

And this hateful jealousy when he's with Yukie, our manager.

I knew already back then that he likes her. But it's still painful to hear it from him when they finally got together. I didn't know how I even managed to act normally back then. When I saw how happy he is with her, I backdown. And to be honest, I planned to forget that feelings of mine for him without confessing it.

But then there's Konoha. For some reason, he found out about my feelings. I thought that he will be disgusted about it but instead, he helped me. He ruined Bokuto-san and Yukie's relationship for me.

Konoha was the one who planned everything. He made Yukie drunk when we went out with the team without Bokuto-san's knowledge, and brought her in a hotel. Konoha made it looked like something happened between him and Yukie that made the latter confessed about it to Bokuto that ends their relationship. I saw how Bokuto-san begged her not to leave him. He insisted that he will still accept her no matter what but she refused and even transferred somewhere else that left Bokuto-san heartbroken.

That's when I entered the picture. Even though I have this guilty feeling for ruining his relationship, for taking his happiness away, I comforted Bokuto-san when she left. And when he was drunk, I sleep with him.

I already knew that it will be painful since it's my first time but, I didn't know that hearing the person you love keeps on calling someone else's name while thrusting himself inside you is much more painful than being penetrated without being prepared.

It's hell but it was worth it. Because when he woke up and saw us naked, and my body fall of his marks just like in my dreams, he took responsibility for it. And even without love, I made him mine.

I was so happy.

Even though it's fake...

His sweetness when we're with our friends.

But it doesn't matter coz I was really happy when we were just started dating. I made sure to myself that I will make him fall in love with me. But I guess it's really impossible for someone straight like him to love a gay person like me.

We don't kiss and we rarely have sex. We only make love when he's drunk but when he's sober, if we do it, I always blindfolding him so he won't get soft when he sees my naked body. And I keep on suppressing my moans whenever we do it while he's sober.

He's only sweet when we're with my friends and when he's drunk. But most of the time, he's cold specially when it's just the two of us. And when we started living together, I thought that he's starting to like me coz he was the one who asked me to live with him. But I was wrong.

He started to sleep with girls, I'm not sure if he does but there are times when he went home and he has a woman's perfume on him. It's as if he's making excuses for us to break up but I always beg him not to go. I even harmed myself just to stop him from leaving when he brought a girl on our home once.

I became too desperate that made Konoha confessed the truth to Bokuto-san. And that's how our so-called relationship become even more hellish. When he gets drunk, he will hold me roughly and when the morning comes, he will look at me with disgusts as if he regrets doing it with me. But I am still okay with that, because I love him so much. I still can tolerate the pain as long as he stays with me. Not until she came back. Yukie came back.

And once again, I begged him not to leave. I used his pity so he won't leave me before. And now I used his fear of losing Yukie for the second time so he won't leave me. I made him stay by promising I won't do anything bad to his beloved. And I really thought that was enough.

Let him be happy with the person he loves.

I smiled bitterly when I recalled Konoha's words when I found myself standing in front of our lighted apartment. It's quite late but I never once received a text or call from him asking my whereabouts.

I guess your existence doesn't really matter to him. My mind said mockingly.

I sighed and tried to ignore what my sarcastic mind said. I was about to enter our home when I heard Yukie's laugh inside that made me stoned on my feet.

They sounded happy. Are you sure you want to spoil their fun? My sarcastic mind asked that is making it hard for me to breathe.

I tried to hold back my tears and enter the place that I keep on calling our 'home'. And they stopped chatting on whatever they are talking about over drinks when I entered the house. Yukie looked shocked when she saw me soaked with rain.

"Akaashi! Are you okay? Kou! Give him a towel-"

"I'm okay." I cut off Yukie's words and smiled normally.

The worried look on her face looked real. As if she still doesn't know what I did to their relationship so I pretend too.

"I'm fine. I'll go to my room to change and rest. Have a good night." I said and went hurriedly to the single-bed room that our friends used when they want to stay over in our house. I locked myself inside while I silently cried because of this pain I feel in my chest.

It's painful to see that Bokuto-san doesn't really care for me. He just had a cold look on his face when our eyes met but when he looked back at her, his gaze became warm.

It's too painful and yet I still can't let go.

I cried until there's no tears left to fall in my eyes before I changed my clothes I got from the closet where some of my old stuffs are stored. I lay on my bed and tried to sleep but I couldn't coz I still hear their laughs that is squeezing my heart so tight.

I can't breathe.

I don't know when I fell asleep. I just woke up shivering in cold while Bokuto-san who looked drunk is taking me roughly while calling someone else's name again. I didn't push him away and just looked at him blankly as he keeps on doing me. I'm not even erect but it doesn't bother him. As if he just wanted to punish me because he can't be with the person he truly loves.

I feel so exhausted. I couldn't feel anything. I am so numbed. That's why I just lay there and looked away. I can't look at him anymore or rather say, I don't want to see his face anymore. I didn't even call out his name or look at him when he left after he finished fucking me.

I just cried silently.

And all I have in mind is that...

I'm tired.