Akaashi 4

"Bokuto-san, wake up! You have training, right? I cooked breakfast. I need to go early today." I woke up Bokuto-san in a lively voice and on my lips plastered a sweet smile. He looked surprised to see me acting like this early in the morning that caught him off guard. I giggled coz of the look on his face and gently pinched his nose.

"Wake up sleepyhead! I need to go now. Make sure you eat your breakfast." I said before leaning closer to give him a peck on the lips before whispering the words that I always keep to myself.

"I love you, Koutarou." I whispered before going, leaving him shocked maybe because it's rare for me to tell him those words. I sighed when I got out of our apartment and smiled bitterly.

It's kind of hard to act normal. To act that you're not in pain. But I have to endure it for a little while. I have to endure this pain a little longer.

Just a little bit more Bokuto-san... I'll make you happy soon. I whispered in my head and tried to ignore the sadness that is slowly creeping inside me because of the decision I made last night.

I am so focused with my work that I've been neglecting for the past days that made me forget about the time. Forget my pain for just a little while. And when my work is finally over, I am so famished because what I just ate is the sandwich that my coworker gave me during lunch.

I was about to fix my table when my phone beeps and saw Bokuto-san calling so I immediately answered it with excitement. It's rare for him to call that's why I feel happy somehow.

"Bokuto-san?"

"Hinata wants us to eat out together. I'm picking you up. Are you out now?" He asked that made the block of ice surrounding my heart melted slowly. Again, my heart swayed by him but I let it be since it'll be the last time that I will let my heart get pampered by his insincerity towards me.

He said that he's outside so I hurriedly went to where he's waiting. My heart races when I saw him on his team's uniform standing outside the building while looking at the stars. It's been a while since I get the chance to stare at him like this.

And probably, would be the last. My mind said that tear me up a little.

"Bokuto-san..." I called him in an unusual jolly voice that made his brows raised.

"You're being weird, Akaashi. I'm warning you. The moment you do something against Yukie again, I'll leave you." He hissed that trample the little happiness I feel earlier because he picked me up.

A weak smile formed my lips. "Don't worry Bokuto-san... I won't."

He didn't say a thing again after that and walked his way to the pub we're meeting our friends. It's hard to breathe because of the prickling pain in my heart. I feel like vomiting again because of the pain but I try to endure it and just followed him silently, looking at his broad back with sadness in my eyes.

Will you even miss me when I'm gone?

A bitter smile escaped my lips to that thought. Why did I even bother to think that he will? For sure he will be the happiest when I'm gone. Because finally he can be free to be with the person he truly loves.

He will be with his world.

While I'd be losing mine.

But it's okay. If it's what will make him happy.

"You're so slow." Bokuto-san said that made me comeback to my senses before he held my hand and drag me gently.

It felt sad and lonely even now that he's holding my hand. His warm hand is clasped with mine but I still feel cold. I guess it's because...

I've already woken up from the reality...

Because I know this is fake.

Because I know that what he's showing me is an act

His warmth is fake.

But I didn't pull away. I want to enjoy this last moments I'll have with him before I leave. Even though it's fake. I want to make this last night of ours, happy.

When we came in the pub, I plastered my practiced smile and enjoy the night with them. Bokuto-san got drunk faster than the usual so we have to leave early again. I let him rest on my lap while we're on the taxi and just gaze at him the whole ride. Trying to memorize his face, engraving it to my memory.

Not the one who was on top of me last night.

I gently cupped his face that woke him up but he didn't move and just stare at me with his eyes filled with sadness like mine that made me guilty and regret all what I did.

If only I didn't take Konoha's hand, he won't be like this.

If only I didn't act selfishly, I can still stay beside him.

If only I didn't love him...

I won't be a sinner.

A sinner who's only salvation is Adam.

And that Adam is Bokuto Koutarou.

"I'm sorry." I whispered softly at him with tears clouding my eyes. He gently wiped my tears that made my heart aches more but I can't stop him from doing it.

Please don't make my heart sway, Bokuto-san. I've decided to make you happy so stop it. I begged in mind.

"Akaashi...it's painful." He murmured on his drunken state.

"What is?" I asked.

"Being with you... I feel like I'm being stabbed here." He pointed his heart, "Every time I see you. It's... Suffocating." I look away to suppress my tears from falling. His words are not a knife anymore that could cut deeply in my heart, rather It's more like a venom that kills me instantly.

He went back to sleep once again and I just woke him up when we're in front of our apartment. I tucked him in bed and was about to get some water when he pulled me and embraced me tight. As if he doesn't want me to let go. But I know it too well.

I guess he's thinking about her again but I was wrong when he called my name instead of hers.

"Akaashi..." He said my name for the first time that somehow makes me wanted to stay again.

"Y-yes Bokuto-san?"

"It's your fault." He murmured those three words that made me smile weakly. I guess it's really wrong to get my hopes up. Because he will never tell me those three words that I've been wanting to hear.

"I know. I'm sorry." I answered.

I pulled away from his embrace and looked at him with tears in my eyes while he just stared at me drunkenly.

"Don't worry Bokuto-san... I'll be taking this pain in your heart with me now." I said in tears while still trying to keep the smile on my lips.

"Hmm?" He wiped my tears and, in his eyes, pain could be seen on it. It must be pain because I keep selfishly.

I didn't answer him, instead I kissed him for the last time and felt a bit happy when he kissed me back. But I pulled away before the kiss deepens and smiled at him once more. The kind of smile that I used to give him before, - a serene and sincere smile.

"Sleep tight, Bokuto-san." I whispered when he closed his eyes.

I stayed a bit more by his side and watch him sleep before I had the courage to step out of our room and go to the empty room where I spend my last night with him and get some of my things that I needed. I only take all my necessary things and leave a letter on the bedside table together with the house key.

I sighed in defeat and take a last look to this place that I spend years with him taking all the sad memories with me and left.

"Akaashi."

Tears clouded my eyes when I saw him outside Bokuto-san and I's apartment looking at me with a worried expression on his face like when he saw me yesterday.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked when I got closer to him. He tapped my back as I continue to cry this pain in my heart.

He sighed. "Akaashi..."

I looked at him when he called my name again. In a soft and gentle manner.

"Osamu..." Concern could be seen on his eyes but he just let me speak my mind.

"It's... It's so painful... I feel like... I'm dying..." I cried out loud, he pulled me for an embrace and just let me cry it all out.