Osamu 14

I don't know how long I waited for Akaashi in the parking lot until I decided to go home when he didn't show up after I walked out. My heart feels heavy when he's not there either. I've been ignoring Tsumu and Suna's call since earlier so when my twin called once more, I answered him this time.

"Where are ya? I've been calling ya since-"

"I'm home and I'm tired Tsumu. Let's talk later." I said in clear yet tired voice before ending the call and compose a message for Suna that I'm home.

I lay down on my sofa and cover my eyes with my arms. My heart feels heavy when I thought about that scene I saw earlier. If it's like before, I would probably drag Akaashi away from him but I can't. Coz before I could even get close to him, he already said the words that would make Akaashi's heart sway.

And on top of it all, he made Akaashi's expression softened.

I guess what Akaashi's former team mate said was right. The same person I saw that drag him from kneeling in front of Bokuto before.

That even if I can fix Akaashi's life...

Bokuto will always be Akaashi's world.

That even if I spoiled Akaashi with my love...

Bokuto is the only one who could fill that void in Akaashi's heart...

That even if I am Akaashi's euphoria...

Bokuto will always be Akaashi's melanphoria...

His melancholy and euphoria...

And if Bokuto asked Akaashi to take him back in tears...

Akaashi will hesitate to push him away.

I startled when I heard the front door opened. I get up and my scared gaze met his sad and guilty eyes. I wanted to ask him where he has been but just seeing his puffy eyes, I already know that he was with him.

Akaashi only cry to this extent because of him.

And deep inside me, I also wished for him to cry for me like that.

But I know it's impossible.

"Samu... I-"

"Welcome home." I greeted with a fake smile while trying so hard not to burst out from crying.

Akaashi just bite his lips with a guilt look on his face before he walks towards the sofa and sat beside me without greeting back at me.

"I'm... S-sorry for-"

I sighed and tapped his back gently. "Do you want to take a bath? I'll heat it."

I said and stood up but before I could even leave, Akaashi grab my hand to stop me.

"Can we talk properly, Osamu-san?"

I feel like my heart is getting squeezed tightly when Akaashi used formal speech. I shut my eyes for a second to stop my tears from falling and heaved a sigh. I know I'm just prolonging my agony by doing this, besides if he wanted to leave me and get back together with that owl, there's nothing I could do. I can't trap him forever with me.

I can't force him to stay.

I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness.

I sat beside Akaashi without looking at him and asked him the only question I know to make this conversation of ours short.

"Do you want to break up?"

Akaashi looked at me with disbelief and an empty laugh escape my lips.

"I know you love me. I trust you Akaashi..." I started.

I held his cold hand and smiled sadly.

"...But I don't trust myself." I said without breaking our eye contact.

"Samu-"

"I know I haven't taken the whole space of your heart. I know that there's a void in there that only him can fill."

"I might be your euphoria..."

Tears starts to roll down my face one by one but I continued on my speech.

"...But he's your melancholia."

"Samu I-"

I hushed him with my point finger and smiled.

"I'm not letting you go on my own, Keiji. I'm asking you to let go if you want to end this, coz I can't."

Tears fell down on his eyes as he keeps on apologizing that breaks my heart slowly and painfully. I tried to smile and kissed him gently before handing him the gift that I wanted to give him earlier.

The ring that symbolizes my love for him. A silver fox ring with a small red cubic zirconia stone. A symbol that would mark him as mine. That he's this fox's mate.

And with tears in my eyes, I smiled sincerely for the last time while telling him these words.

"I can only give you two options..."

"End things with me..."

"or..."

"End things with him and marry me."

"I'll give you time to think. For now, I'll be staying to my twin for a while. But if you decided to end things with me, take that ring coz it's for you."

I said and stood up to get my keys when he tried to stop me by grabbing my hand, with tears on his eyes. As if he doesn't want me to leave but I really can't take this pain.

"Aachi please let me go... I don't want to end up locking you here so you won't leave my side." I honestly said but he didn't let me go.

"Myaa-sam..."

I pulled him up and kissed him passionately, not minding the tears on our faces. He responded eagerly as if he wants our last time together to be not as painful as theirs. So, without breaking our kiss, I lift him up in bridal style and went to our bedroom. I put him on the bed with care and break our kiss.

I just gaze at him lovingly but sadness is still prominent on my eyes. I felt embarrassed because I'm still in tears so I tried to look away but he didn't let me. Instead, he cupped my face and kissed me.

Gentle and sweet.

Tears flooded my eyes because of the way he kisses me. It's as if he's trying to give me a bittersweet memory to hold on while he's thinking. Or as if, this is already goodbye.

"I love you, Keiji." I whispered in between kisses but he didn't answer back like before.

It's heartbreaking...

"Make love to me... Let me remember your warmth..." Akaashi said instead while looking at me with guilt and sadness filled his eyes.

I sighed and smiled painfully.

I guess his response is more heartbreaking than not hearing his 'I love you too'.

Did he forget about my warmth already after being embraced by that owl?

Or

I really didn't engrave my warmth on him so he forgets it easily?

Did I really infiltrate his heart?

Or

We just thought I did but, I didn't?

I pulled away from him and sat on the bed. Akaashi tried to touch me but I stopped his hand by grabbing it firmly.

I looked at him with a sad smile plastered on my lips.

"I can't make love to you now, Akaashi. Not until you choose me. Not until you are sure that It's me you love. Coz whatever I do, you won't remember my warmth anyway if your heart only remembers his."

I stood up and tried to leave the room when Akaashi called my name.

"Osamu..."

I didn't look at him coz I'm afraid if I do, I would end up begging him not to go. I don't want to force him to stay. I want him to stay because he wants me. Not because he took pity on me.

"Remember that you will always be my melanphoria..."

I said in a soft voice coz I'm trying to suppress my cry.

"... How I wish I'd be the same to you but I know it's impossible."

I said before leaving the room while in my head were the words I couldn't speak louder.

After all, a person will only feel that melanphoric feeling when they love the person wholeheartedly.

When that person is the source both of their extreme sadness and outmost happiness.

Their melancholy and euphoria.

I b urst out crying just after I got to the first step of the stairs when reality hits me.

The reality that slapped to me by his former team mate when he visited my store that I've been trying to ignore.

I can never be Akaashi's melanphoria.

Because I am only his...

Temporary euphoria in the midst of his melancholia.