Bokuto 1

My laugh echoed in the living room and I bet it could also be heard in our room where Akaashi is probably listening now. I don't care if he does though, I want him to hear it. I'm doing this as revenge for cheating on me.

For making me look like a fool.

For making me feel like shit.

For hurting me like this.

For putting me in hell.

"Your laugh sounds fake Kou." Yukie said from the other line but I didn't deny it.

I am really faking my happiness now. Who will be happy if the person you love and trusted the most is cheating on you? And does it really have to be the same person who helped him ruined my relationship with Yukie?

"Kou...stop torturing Akaashi. Did you even try to confirm it with him? Besides, it's impossible that what Konoha said was true. I bet he's lying too just like how he lied to me that something happened between us." Yukie said from the other line that made me sigh.

Yukie was my ex-girlfriend who left me. And the one who ruined my relationship with her is Konoha and Akaashi. I admit it's not really going that well that time because of Akaashi.

Because I'm falling for him.

That's why it wasn't really a big deal if only that's the only thing he do. But it wasn't the case. There was more to it that made me being the villain of the story.

"He already admitted that he was an accomplice of Konoha. For sure it's also true that he and Konoha are sleeping behind my back. I even saw a hickey on him when Konoha sent him home in a drunken state." I said in a low voice trying to suppress my anger just remembering it. As much as I hated Akaashi for cheating on me with Konoha, I can't let him go.

I love him so much to the point that I'm being this destructive. I don't really hurt him physically coz I can't. I still love him so much. But I'm making him feel what I felt after knowing his relationship with Konoha.

"You're so stubborn! I just hope Akaashi get tired of your treatment and leave! So, you would know the consequences of being this stubborn!" Yukie said that made me silent for a moment.

"He won't. I won't let him. I'll kill us both if he tries to leave me. Akaashi's mine." I said in a serious tone that made Yukie's turn to be silent.

She chuckled. "I didn't know you're this twisted. I'm glad I broke up with you."

"Shut up." I laughed again with a heavy heart.

Me too.

I didn't know I'm like this.

I only feel this way towards Akaashi.

Now and then.

It's only him.

Yukie sighed and said goodbye when her girlfriend called her to eat dinner so I said goodbye and end the call too. It's the real reason why Yukie broke up with me, she fell in love to somebody else and the guilt is eating her. I only found out about it when we meet again during Japan versus Argentina match where she introduced me to her reporter girlfriend.

I sighed and massage my temple.

If only Akaashi didn't ask Konoha's help...

If only he asked me out normally...

If only he's honest with me...

I bet we will not end up like this.

I entered the room and when I saw him flinched, I act as if I'm still talking someone on the phone when in fact it's been a while since my call with Yukie ended.

"See you tomorrow Yukie, I miss you." I whispered in a gentle tone but enough for him to hear.

I know he's still awake.

Does it make me feel better to see him hurting because of this facade?

No. I don't want to hurt him but the pain I feel lessens when I see him cry because of me.

It's just mean that he still loves me.

It's just means that he's still mine.

It's just mean that he still wants me.

But it doesn't mean that I can forgive him just like that.

I can't erase in mind how many times he hang-out with Konoha when we're still dating and finally lived together. And during those times, he will come back home tired. Just knowing that Akaashi met with that bastard kills me. What more when I finally learned their deal? That in exchange of being with me, Konoha can have sex with him whenever he wants to?

It's excruciating.

Knowing that puts me in hell.

I didn't confirm it to Akaashi coz I'm afraid that I might end up killing us both if he admits that it's true. Just him, admitting that he was Konoha's accomplice for making Yukie thinks that she cheated on me, also confirms that what Konoha said about having sex with him is also true.

But still...

I can't let him go.

I love Akaashi.

Too much...

That I became this twisted and...

Destructive.

I lay down beside him and hugged him from the back so damn tight. I want to cry all my frustrations, all my insecurities, all my hatred when we're like this. When I'm hugging him like this, when I feel his warmth.

After all, Akaashi is still my world.

Even if his words are all lies.

I can only love him.

Even if he keeps on cheating on me with Konoha.

I want to end this silent suffering of mine.

But I can't.

I'm afraid.

That I might end up hurting him more if Konoha is telling the truth.

"Yukie..." Akaashi

I end up calling my ex's name when I remembered Konoha that bastard.

"Don't go." I murmured lovingly that made me loathe myself for doing this kind of thing.

I hate myself for hurting him this way. I'm becoming the person I'm not. I closed my eyes when he turned to me. I feel like my heart is breaking when Akaashi gently touch my face while silently weeping. I want to open my eyes and ask him if it's true that he's sleeping with Konoha even now. I want to confront him right now but, I'm scared to confirm the truth from him.

I'm a fuckin' coward.

"I'm sorry Bokuto-san. For being this selfish. Just a bit more. Please stay a bit more." he softly whispered and kissed my lips lightly that almost makes me want to respond but he gets up on our bed after that and went to the comfort room to cry there freely.

Relieving himself a little from the pain that is also slowly killing me.

It's killing me too.

Hearing his silent cries at night.

Me too...

I'm slowly dying.

This is the reason why I keep on threatening him that I'll leave. Coz if I didn't, I doubt that he will stay.

"You're mine Akaashi..."

I whispered to myself.

Whether it's heaven and hell...

Extreme sadness and outmost happiness...

Melancholy and Euphoria...

"You will always be it..."

My melanphoria.