A Part Of It

    Miss Celine did not pick at first, which is normal but she managed to pick at the second ring.

"Hi Miss Celine,."

   I waited for her response anxiously and my breath hitched when she didn't immediately replied

"Miss Celine?"

I heard her sigh through the phone before saying: "pardon me please, I was attending to Micheal, are you alright?"

I shook my head lightly before whispering,

"not really."

And with those words, my tears fell uncontrollably.

"Susan is gone"

I said and silent met us,

"You mean she left Zain, that's a good news"

I chuckled in my tears, I wished that's the case.

"Not that, she is dead"

I said and took a step back,

"She is gone? Oh no!"

she gasped,

"What happened?

She managed to ask after a while.

"I don't know myself. A call just came and said she had panic attack before passing away"

I responded then closed my eyes to inhale some breath into my lungs because it looks like I am running short of air.

"That's strange, panic attack?"

She said thoughtfully.

"I know anything can kill but then panic attack on someone who seemed healthy. Don't you think there is more?"

She said seriously.

"I don't even know what to think. I never visited her in the hospital because of my allergy so I don't think I have rights to think otherwise"

I whispered and I heard a small 'hmm' from her,

"It's fine, we will all be fine. I would have said you should come back home where I could keep my eyes on you but zain needs you now. I'm sorry"

Miss Celine said with concern dripping from her voice.

She is gone!

My brain was screaming.

She is gone and she is never coming back

She is not breathing anymore.

I am going crazy.

"it's fine I thought of letting you know"

   I said before hanging up.

My thoughts flew everywhere as well as the tears streaming down my face.

My phone beeps several times before a call comes through.

Lucas!

Damnit!

I cursed under my breath.

I actually forgot he said he was coming to pick me up. Who would remember anything else in my state.

   I picked the call and waited for him to say something.

"Hi Jenny! Good morning to you"

He sounded happy and energetic as usual

"Morning Lucas, how has your day been?"

I asked in an effort to keep my tone light and happy,

"Great, what about yours?"

"I'm fine too, thank you"

"That's great, I'm glad"

Then a momentary silence followed,

"So uh.. What time are we meeting again?"

He questioned nervously

"I am sorry Lucas but I don't think it's possible"

I said softly

He exhaled sharply and mumbled "why?".

I knew he was disappointed, I don't blame him either.

I lost my sister"

I told him truthfully.

I felt guilty, she shouldn't have died but she did

"I am so sorry darling. I will come over to see you then"

He said concerned. I wanted to say yes then I remembered Zain would not like it so I declined his request to come.

  "There is no need. there is more to do and I wouldn't be around to attend to you."

I told him in a strained voice.

"Are you sure? What if I come by tomorrow morning"

He persisted

It was a tempting offer but Zain needs me and I cannot break his heart by allowing Lucas to come.

    I couldn't answer Lucas and I hung up shortly afterwards, my heart racing. I stared at my phone for quite a few moments before I forced myself to breathe calmly.

  Everything is ok and I won't be able to see him for now so there isn't much point getting worked up or thinking about things.

I repeated it to myself several times but it did nothing to quell my feelings of guilt but then why I am feeling guilty.

    I turned around and walked to my bed where I plopped down on top of it. I tried to make sense of my emotions but I couldn't. There has got to be some logical reason for my state of mind.  

     Maybe it is depression? But surely I would have noticed by now. And besides depression leads you to lose motivation and focus so there is not much of a logic to these thoughts. Maybe it is because of the fact that Susan is gone? No wait! that might be a part of it.

   I sighed heavily and forced myself to sleep. Maybe when I woke up, I would feel a lot better.