TWO MONTHS LATER.
She pushed the breakfast away. With butterflies in her stomach and her head buzzing with possibilities, there was no way on earth she would swallow a bite without feeling like throwing her guts out, let alone a whole plateful. Mommy glared at her and hissed for the umpteenth time at that moment. “Maryam what on earth is wrong with you? You barely eat anything these days. You always leave to work without eating and I'm very sure you don't eat when you go to the clinic. You don't eat dinner when you come back. Look how sick you look.” Mommy complained nonstop. “If you're doing this because your wedding date has been with fixed, you better stop and calm yourself down. This isn't the way out, wallah. You better stop worrying yourself too much and pray for the best.” Mommy stood up from the chair and left the dinning room.
Maryam shook her head, biting her nails. If only her mother would understand the actual situation she's in, she wouldn't have said all those words to her. She abruptly stood up from the chair and grabbed her lab coat with her handbag and car keys. She left the house to the clinic. On her way she thought of all the possible ways to tackle the problem. Mahmud will be back today, as he told her the last time they last spoke. But, what’s the point of asking for his help when he no longer cared about any of her worries now?
She parked the car at her parking space and hopped out. She picked up her pace to her office, avoiding all sorts of scent she would perceive. She slumped down on the sofa instead and closed her eyes. She was already weak and tired before the day even started.
Amanda knocked before she entered. “Good morning doctor. Here are the patients we have, for now,” she informed placing the few files on the desk. “Okay, send in the first patient, I have to leave early today,” she said, getting up from the sofa. She opened her cabinet and brought out a new face mask to wear to avoid perceiving any kind of smell that would disturb her.
After attending the third patient, she felt tired and sleepy. It was incredibly unpleasant. Everything would have been worst if she had eaten something that morning. All she wanted to do was to go home and sleep all day like she did yesterday.
She finished attending to her patients after a while. With less strength, she headed out of her office and walked towards the pharmacy. On her way, she met her father coming out from the Accident and Emergency ward. “Good afternoon daddy,” she said nervously as if he could read what was written on her forehead. “Maryam, good afternoon. You’ve forgotten about our ward round today. You look sick, are you okay?” He asked, looking closely at her face like he could see what was bothering her.
She almost lost her balance when he kept staring at her. The last thing she wanted to hear was someone say she looked sick. She shook her head briskly and smiled. “I didn't get enough sleep last night, I'm on my way to the pharmacy to get some pain reliever. He nodded and excused himself. She heaved a sigh and continued walking.
The pharmacist there quickly stood up, looking at maryam in daze. She had never seen maryam come into the pharmacy herself. She always sent Amanda or any nurse to get whatever she needed. “Good afternoon Doc.” She greeted. Maryam looked her way and nodded. “Where do you keep the pregnancy test kits?” She asked looking at the pharmacist. She scratched the back of her head, nervously. “We only have one left. But it would be restocked before the end of the day.” She explained fetching out the one left. “Your better do that before doctor mahdi comes for inspection later. You do know which it is today right?” The pharmacist nodded and apologized.
Maryam shoved the kit in her lab coat pocket and walked out. She picked up her pace back to her office like someone was going to arrest her for a crime. She heaved sigh when she closed the door. She quickly threw it in her handbag and packed her things to leave. She entered her car and drove away.
She tapped on the steering wheel feeling anxious as she drove to a nearby pharmacy to buy more pregnancy test kit. She can't just use one and get the right result. She parked the car at the parking space and hopped out. She entered the pharmacy and walked straight to the pharmacist. “Good afternoon. Please do you have pregnancy test kit?” She asked, in a low tone like she was asking for something illegal. The pharmacist nodded, giving her an awkward look.
She left to get what maryam asked for while maryam waited impatiently. “Wow, maryam? Is that you?” She heard a very familiar voice. She quickly looked to the side she heard the voice and their eyes met. Her heart skipped a beat but she manned up and smiled. “Na.. Nadia. Good afternoon..” She stuttered. Nadia chuckled placing her hand on maryam’s shoulder. “How are you doing? Its been long since I saw you. I heard your wedding date has been fixed with mujahid.” Maryam stared at her face before looking away. “I’m fine,” she muttered. Nadia glared at her and smiled. “Don't be scared, I mean no harm, okay? And I've been looking for you to apologize for what I've done to you before. I'm so sorry and congratulations. May Allah give use the ability to live in peace and heed our husband.” She stated, smiling throughout the time she spoke. Maryam smiled a little and nodded, “ameen, thank you.” She murmured and looked away.
She bought two kits and left quickly before Nadia could see even try to ask what was it. She looked at maryam’s retreating back and looked at the pharmacist. She knew there was no way the pharmacist would tell her what maryam bought. “Can I have the same you gave her just now, make it quick and also aspirin.” She said and the pharmacist gave her a questioning look but did as she said. Nadia smiled gladly and paid for what she bought. She walked away happily and entered her car.
Maryam clenched and unclenched the steering wheel breathing heavily. If she takes those test and it comes out positive, her end has come. She was doomed indeed. All her thought keeps wandering to daddy. He was a no nonsense man, she would be lucky if he actually doesn't send her packing. She brushed the thought away and prayed it comes out negative like the first test she took last month. She was so anxious that she had took take herpes, chlamydia, HIV and pregnancy test last month and it all came out negative. But now her body was telling her otherwise about the pregnancy test she took last month.
She parked the car in the parking lot and alight from the car. She hurried to her room and locked the door. She was about to lie down on her bed when she heard a soft knock. She walked to the door and unlocked it with trembling hands. The fear traveled in her veins but it never made it to her facial muscles or skin. Her complexion remained pale and matt. “I just saw you coming in and I know you haven't eaten. I’ll send in your food and you better eat everything!” Mommy strictly warned. Maryam nodded without saying anything.
She waited till the maid brought her lunch before she took another bath and prayed dhuhr. After she had eaten a small amount of the food served to her, she stood up taking deep breaths to calm herself down. She had to face that fear and find out wether she was pregnant or not.
She took the pregnancy test and waited in her room. She huddled on the carpet and hugged her knees. Her hand working back and forth while tears started to fill her eyes. She was so scared of the out come. Her only way out was for that pregnancy test kits to come out negative. That was the only way out. Her whole body was trembling with fear.
How would she even face her parents with the news that she's pregnant? How would she even face the world? She started regretting not telling her parents she was raped right from the day it happened. She would've told them maybe she would've been at ease.
She remembered when she used to be so happy and carefree when mujahid was never in the picture. But ever since he came into her life, she had been facing nothing but tough, hard times in her life. She regretted ever accepting him to be her lover. He was so unfaithful to her. Piling reproach after reproach upon himself, he added betrayal to his brutality. And this was just the beginning of the end. She was more than maddened. She really hated him with all her being. He slashed at her with betrayal, she’ll parry with her vengeance.
It’s been over twenty minutes now and she knew her destiny awaits her on the toilet basin. It was time to find out how her life would turn to. She took baby steps to the bathroom, her heart pounding loudly against her ribcage. If those kits come out positive, her life has ended! She wished she could reserves her life to two years back and change things or slow the time. Each step she took dragged her forward. Helpless and nervous to the allotted time. She can't avoid it, can she? She can no more avoid it than the beating of her own heart as it pounded with futility against it’s cage of bone and cartilage. The dread sits heavily in her heart. she became pale, then tremor in her hands begin as she opened the door to her bathroom. Her head becomes a little giddy and her stomach nauseous. It clawed at her throat and she tried to force down a bile, but it was too late. She quick entered the bathroom to the sink and chunks of partially digested chicken spewed out of her coughing, choking her mouth. Her stomach kept on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out. Her face was white and dripping bile, sweat and tears.
She washed the mess and her mouth. She felt her stomach lurch again when her eyes landed on the test kits. She couldn't believe her eyes. She didn't even wanted to. She had never seen something as scary as that in her whole 25 years. The adrenaline flew over her veins like a crap through the river, she couldn’t move a single muscle, not even to scream. The absolute horror paralysed her and the more she thought of telling her parents she was pregnant, the more she felt horror stricken and utterly terrified. She can't remember being that scared, maybe when she was being raped. The thought of it worsen the situation for her.
What terrified her more was how all the kits came out positive. Her hand on her mouth to avoid her from screaming while she took one of the kits with the other hand. She was really pregnant? The one thing she had dreaded. It creeps over her like an icy chill, numbing her brain and her whole body. In that frozen state, her mind offers her only one thought. She was doomed. She can't avoid it or hide it. She can never try aborting the child, no.
She knelt down there in the middle of her room and sobbed uncontrollably. She didn't even know how she felt exactly, but she felt so much pain in her chest and throat. There was no way out but to tell her parents about it. Red hot tears ran down her face, each one carving fears. “Na shiga uku na!” She wailed rolling on the carpet.
Mommy entered the room same time she was throwing the kit at mommy’s direction, but luckily mommy dodged it. Maryam abruptly stood up while her heart did a back flip. “Maryam? Lafiyanki kuwa? What’s the meaning of that?” What’s that you threw at me?” Mommy asked looking at her to the kit. She walked over to it and picked it up.
She entered the room holding the test kit. She held a dazed look. “Isn't this a pregnancy test kit? What are you doing with it?” She asked before turning it over to see the double line on it. She knew that meant positive. Her eyes bulged out and she gasped. “Don't tell me you were the one that took this test. Are you pregnant?”